Why We Lie and Common Lies We Tell | Lysa TerKeurst
Why We Lie and Common Lies We Tell | Therapy & Theology
Research reveals that the average person lies at least 1-2 times per day. Why do we do this — even if it’s considered a “white lie”? And what are the most common lies we tell?
Learn from Lysa TerKeurst, Dr. Joel Muddamalle and Jim Cress in Episode 4 of this six-part series of Therapy & Theology titled “I Want To Be More Self-Aware.” Each week, we’ll hear conversations providing tools for how we can live as the most healthy versions of ourselves.
Welcome to episode 4. Today, we are gonna talk about why we lie.
I lie, you lie, We all lie, lie, lie, lie. My alarm.
Thanks. Thanks, Joel.
That’s the deep theological stuff there.
Oh, I found some crazy statistics online about line. Alright. Where are the most lies seen?
Resumes 40% of resumes have lies on them, and then you wanna know a really scary one?
90% of dating profiles.
Not surprised.
Have on dating sites have lies. That is so scary.
It says by age four, 90% of children have learned the concept of lying, and it is estimated that 60% of adults cannot have a 10 minute conversation without lying at least once within those 10 minutes.
An average of 3 lies were told. Okay. Everyday Living.
12% of adults admit to lying, a admit to telling a lie often or sometimes.
And here’s the funny thing.
The rest are liars.
Exactly. Like, we’re we’re asking people to tell the truth about lying.
And you know they’d be lying. So I’m sure the stats are higher than that.
80% of women admit to telling harmless half truths occasionally.
Uh, 31% of people admit to lying on their resumes, which we already talked about, 13% of patients lie to their doctor.
I think that one’s higher. Because, uh, okay, honest admission.
When you filled out your doctor paperwork, have either of you ever lied about your weight.
Many times. Wait.
No. Because I know they’re gonna weigh me. Oh. Well, I’ve screamed at
the I’ve screamed at the scales.
You liar when I’ve on to the doctor, and I I try to get everything taken off my body that I can before I get on the scale.
Oh, I do too.
Yeah.
That’s appropriate, obviously. Can I
come in and eliminate me?
And they’ll ask me, like, Uh, do you wanna take anything off? I was like, yes. I do.
I’m like, here’s
my phone.
Here’s my wallet.
And then they’re like,
I’ve been believe you can keep
your shoes on. I’m like, no.
No. No. No. No.
The shoes are coming off.
I haven’t taken my glasses off.
Well, of course, there’s a lot of
I have actually before taking my earrings out. I’m not even gonna lie.
Stop there, recruit. Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen,
Okay. Uh, it says 32% of patients stretch the truth to their doctor.
30% live off their diet and exercise regimen.
Especially around Taco Bell. Anyhow.
Okay. If you listen to a previous episode, if you know, you know.
Episode 1.
Okay. Um, 6 lies are told daily by men to their partner, boss, or colleagues.
3 lies are told daily by women to their partner boss or colleagues.
And it says lying is considered common among phone calls than face to face chats, one lie in every 7 is discovered as far as liars can tell.
I think that’s a funny one.
Wow. Yeah.
And it says 70 percent of liars claim they would tell their lies again.
Americans tell an average of 11 lies a week.
And if you keep multiplying that out, let’s say if we only told 4 lies a day.
Like, took the average between men lying eight times a day, women, or six times a day, and women doing 3 would take the average go to 4 I mean, if we multiply it out, that could be literally over 1400 lies.
And they’re in lies.
It’s the problem. And therein was the problem. Okay. Um, do you wanna really feel convicted? No.
Joel does. Come on. Connected.
Here’s the thing.
To the good part.
Yeah. Here’s here’s the thing. Okay.
And we are gonna get to the good part in a minute, but for the sake of those watching us online, on our YouTube channel.
Um, I just want y’all to be honest, and I want you to raise your hand if you have ever told these lies.
Okay? Are you
talking to Jim and I,
or she’s looking at you?
Because here are some the most common lies. Okay. You’re gonna play? We’re gonna play. Alright. Ready? I forgot.
Oh, lord.
I mean, it’s in, like, I knew, but I forgot.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Um, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I was stuck in traffic.
The the Starbucks line traffic was long.
Yeah. Right. Inside or outside? Oh.
My phone died?
Oh. Does that count mid conversation with somebody do it when we talk to? Sorry, lady.
No much from that.
Um, I have no way to contact you.
I’ve used I I have actually used that one.
Yeah. Um, I never got the message.
Never got the email.
Gotta be a therapist. Like, No.
Um, I couldn’t get any phone signal.
Well, that’s true because just outside of town where we ate last night, there’s a place literally down the road.
I know. I’m not saying when that was a true legitimate excuse. I’m saying you use that as an excuse
that my last night. It’s not really never lied. I have never lied. I didn’t understand the thing.
Pull those hands down.
I No.
That’s the only one you got in stock. He told me wrong. No.
I didn’t. All of our data. Okay. I’m lying right now. He’s lying about lying, but not lying. Okay. Alright.
So crazy We
in Houston. We have a problem.
I know. I don’t I don’t even know why.
I mean, honestly, why these statistics are what they are, except for the fact, that there are reasons that we lie.
And and sometimes the reasons that we lie, it’s for social graces. Right?
Oh, yeah.
And so I was having a conversation yesterday, and someone said, well, I I have to lie if the truth is gonna hurt somebody.
Mhmm.
Or I have to lie if I wanna keep that friend because if I tell the truth, then that’s gonna hurt her so bad that, I mean, it could really do damage to our friendship.
And so we got into this really interesting conversation.
And I said, when my kids were little, I taught them a triangle. And the triangle is this.
Arm the words I’m about to say. Are they true? Are they kind? Are they necessary?
So sometimes things can be true and kind, but they’re not necessary.
Sometimes they can be necessary and kind, but not true. Right?
And so I think it’s really interesting to think about those 3 words.
Um, so I’ve done the introduction online, and what do we do about it now?
Well, I wanna know. I think we all just got apps.
On our test.
I know Joel for sure did. I did too. Yeah.
On our test, we were we’re in either good or bad times. Maybe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
And, of course, there’s other reasons people lie too, like, to shift blame, avoid confrontation to get their own way.
I mean, those earlier ones are not I mean, they can be serious, but Yeah.
Sometimes lying is is really damaging in relation ships.
I mean, of course, we can get into gas line and, uh, gaslighting.
And then we can, you know, talk about betrayals and So, you know, I don’t wanna make light of this that’s very, very challenging and hard, but, you know, we talked in this last episode about self But now we’re talking about deceiving others.
Yeah.
So what do we do about this?
You alluded, if I may, real quick, to gaslighting and you both have heard this before.
I just made this up one day. The 3 types of lie, there may be more.
3 types of lies, l o g spells log, lou a lying, uh, common nomenclature is, I told a bold face lie.
It’s actually you can Google it. That’s one usage, but the original usage is a bold Face line.
Nothing on my face. I’m just looking right at you in line.
So either to to lie three ways, l o g, lying.
Just look right at you and lie when I know the truth. Oh, is a big one.
Feels like it gets left out a lot. It’s also in the Bible, sins of omission.
The o is omission. You’re not asking. I ain’t telling.
I’ve asked and often as people I’ve worked with in counseling, do you think your spouse would want to know?
Or this person you’re in relationship with, would they want to know that would it matter impacting the relationship?
Lying, o is omitting, and g is gaslighting when I know the truth. You know the truth.
You’re telling the truth. And I know and you buy you and I both know you know the truth.
And I’m gonna just say, nope.
We’ve talked about, I think, another podcast in the movie gaslight where the guy would kinda monkey around with the lights and turn them off.
You never turn those lights on.
She knew she did, but it has this kind of mind game that goes online. Omitting or gaslighting.
So those are very functional. I try to use it as a simple inventory for people in, in our relationship now.
Have we ball face light? We omitted or anything we ought to know in this relationship and then my gaslighting.
That’s really good, Jim. And I think I’ve said before in relationships, and I’ve even said this to my kids before, if you’ll just tell me the truth, we can handle the issue together.
Yeah.
But if you lie about it, you’re gonna damage the trust so much that you’re gonna have 2 big issues the original issue, and now you’re adding on top of it the issue of lying.
Yeah. And I think as we do this series on self awareness, it’s really good to address this because sometimes I don’t know if it’s because we self to see first and justify that, then creating this lie to other people.
Or if we lie to other people, and then try to self deceive and justify it just to kinda make a way to keep lying about it.
It’s almost like chicken, the egg. What comes first?
I think it’s I think it’s circular
for sure.
One of I think one of the things I find really interesting is, um, that the there has to be a benefit to the lie.
Like there’s a reason why these statistics are what they are. There’s a reason why people participated in them.
There’s a reason why it’s seems to be based off of some of these numbers.
There is almost a hardwired natural inclination to tell these little white lies, you know, just to get out of a situation.
So like the question is, what is the benefit that we believe that we’re getting out of the lie?
And the image that I kind of have imagine having this massive waterfall, you know, and it’s coming your way.
And you think that you can stop the waterfall by just, participating the line.
So the the one lie is like a brick and then you keep adding it all up and you think that you’re keeping the waterfall back, but the problem is there’s just more and more water that’s back there.
Eventually, those lies are going to collapse and fall apart.
And when it collapses and falls apart, instead of the regular stream of water that would come and you would have just addressed it and dealt with it.
Now you have a tsunami of water that’s coming.
And so there’s a greater consequence of all these stacked up lies then the benefit that is the deception that the lie is going to give you.
Now in John 844, I think one of, again, this is just important, I think, for us to to grasp is that lying and deception is the favorite strategy of the enemy.
So if we just think about it from this like spiritual standpoint, our participation in lying is a participation in the tactic of the enemy.
We just wanna, like, take a step back and say, is that what we actually want from ourselves?
Do we and I’m not saying that you do this or I do this, but if we’re aware of that’s what’s actually happening, it might be a guardrail that can help us in kind of fighting it.
But this is what, uh, Jesus says in John 844.
He’s talking to this group of people, and they’re asking all kinds of questions.
And at some point, Jesus is frustrated.
And he goes, and he says this, you are of your father, the devil, and you wanna carry out your father’s desires.
Notice this, the desire language. He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in the truth.
Because there is no truth in him.
When he tells a lie, he speaks from his own nature because he is a liar and the father of lies Now in the previous episode, we talked about the origins.
We talked about the Serpent and in the Garden of Eden. So you can go back and listen to that.
I won’t unpack it again, but I do wanna talk about the progression of the lying that the enemy does.
And and here’s kinda how it works itself out with the Serpent Adam and Eve First, um, the serpent questions the validity of the truth.
He questions ability of the truth. Did god really say? And then this is really important.
Then after you’re discombobulated in a sense, then the actual light takes place. Right?
Uh, no, you will certainly not die. And then the lie by itself is not, uh, substantial enough.
The enemy then reinforces the benefit of what that lie might be when you eat, you will be like god.
So there seems to be this kind of 3 part mechanism that’s happening with lying.
One is the validity, the the distortion around reality.
Well, if there’s validity and distortion around reality, that’s perfect place for an actual lie to be because you’re disconnected from what is actual true.
And then the presence of the lie, but in order for that lie to actually have any weight, you’ve got to convince other person that there’s a benefit to that lie.
And this is why it’s so dangerous for, um, any any of us
That’s really good Joel. And I would imagine too when we participate in the language of lying, which is the enemy.
We also are helping him do his work for him. Yeah.
Because when we lie and spread lies, that that is my helping the enemy.
This is my this is a side note that I always have to attack whenever we talk about the enemy.
We’ve at times had this have this belief that the enemy is equal to god. Right?
Like the enemy is omniscient, omnipresent. He’s in multiple places and multiple times. The enemy is a created being.
In that sense, he’s limited in time and space.
There is one enemy and there are malevolent spirits and and evil forces that are out there, but what you just at least is so important what if we’re actually just helping and aiding the to to multiply the impact of evil in the world And one of the ways that we can do that is by participating in lying, which the enemy is the father of lies.
Yeah. I’ve been in situations before where I’m having a conversation with someone, and I know they are lying, but they don’t know.
Or they they have so twisted something in our brain that the truth to them has become whatever protects them.
And so that’s also where it can get incredibly damaging in relationships. So, Jim, help me here.
If I come into your office and I say, I have a significant relationship where there is a pattern of lying, either the other person is lying or I’ve been lying about this thing, and I don’t know how to course correct.
What advice would you give me?
Well, first, I’m gonna say, do you trust what you see?
And, of person can take a moment, kinda, uh, quiet down.
They’ll say, you know, I really feel like I am seeing, and I have sometimes even evidence appearing that this person is, uh, out of congruence that they’re saying this, but I’ve even got evidence that this is not true.
Or if not evidence, I’ve got a pretty good gut feeling, and there’s been a pattern over and over and over.
So I said, do you believe what you see? Go to your moment just to your gut.
And if your gut is saying, yeah, this is this is not true what’s going on, whether it’s gaslighting lying or emitting, So do you trust yourself with that?
And then to look, and I always look at the history of things.
Like, maybe how long has this been going on?
Could just as likely get, you know, it’s been actually going on our whole relationship with this person’s been lying, omitting, or gaslighting, or no.
Something’s happened because I felt like we had real integrity in the relationship, and it’s just started to come on recently.
If you take the word we use so much, right, and affair, like an adulterous affair, if someone could be proven that they had never had an adulterous affair before.
So, obviously, if they make that shift in her end infidelity, they could do things like starting to blame the innocent spouse.
You sure you’re not having an affair? Or, again, back to Shakespeare. Me thinks they’ll dust protest too much.
So you say, Yes. Starting about a year ago or 6 months ago, I don’t know what’s going on, but something’s a skew here.
Mhmm. Some things out of alignment say, well, let’s just investigate that.
That’s really good because I think when we are interacting with someone, and I’ll just speak for myself, sometimes I so desperately want to give that person the benefit of the doubt because I’m naturally wired to believe the best about other people.
Mhmm.
So it’s incredibly disregulating to me when someone’s when someone that I wanna believe the best about when their words that come out of their mouth do not match the actions that I’m experiencing from them.
And that can be so incredibly disregulating. So besides investigation, what would you tell me to do?
I’d like to borrow the words you just said. If I’m going to and I get it.
If I’m going to give someone else the benefit of the doubt, will I back up and in tandem?
Right away, give myself the benefit of my doubt Wow.
Where I could sit and say, wait a minute.
What I see appears real Uh, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
And then I think without having to go deep into some investigative process, is pay attention to your internal world.
Your gut. Praying god. Show me wisdom. Uh, revealed to me.
The word of god implies actually in several places that someone covers god will uncover.
What’s done in the darkness will eventually be brought into the light. Lord, am I seeing this right?
Open my eyes. God helped me to see these things. Am I walking in truth by the way?
Is there anything in incongruency where I’m out of alignment myself? Like, I’m lying or being self deceived.
And then I think to take it out, I always use that to laxate one thing I borrow from a Jerusalem, Jardia Samira, the infamous parts of the world, put people on each one of those concentric circles.
A couple of good friends. Maybe my personal board of directors and say, hey.
I’m not gossiping about the spouse or this person, but I have some concerns here.
Let me tell you what I see.
If your higher security system company that come in, they’ll come and say, Hey. You got a problem here.
You got a problem there. Just kind of with with people and say, do I do do I sound crazy here?
And then sometimes the that personal board of directors could say when we see this, again, when I’ve said when common sense makes Good sense, seek to another sense.
You’d be surprised or not. Some of your closest friends may say, no.
If I were you, I’d be feeling the exact same thing.
And usually, people who lie, even if there is, quote, pathological lying or their consciousness, seared as with the hot iron, they if I’ve learned anything anecdotally, just duct tape experience here.
The lying person, I mean, I believe, about a 100% will eventually start leaving breadcrumbs It’ll lead you right to it it will become they just can’t hide it.
It may not happen tomorrow, but in time, those secrets are gonna come up to the
Okay. Let me ask you a heart question.
When there’s a pattern of lying, omitting, and gaslighting, is that emotional abuse?
There’s no question in my mind about it.
And I would say if I’m overtly lying, uh, yeah, disclaimer, right, we’re human. We’re real.
We are, you know, one of the things about this podcast is what they see on this set is the same thing.
And what they listen to is with we’re have we just had lunch. We’re friends. We talked about things.
So here’s the thing. If something like that is going on, more than the stats at the beginning, where we’re all admitting, like, we we’ve shaved the truth, whatever.
And now into the serious business, if I’m willfully lying looking right at you lying.
And that means I know the truth. I’m not a sociopath or I’m not deceived.
I know I’m lying to you, or I’m admitting, like, You didn’t ask me.
So I ain’t I ain’t telling, but I know you’d wanna know or I’m gaslighting, which is definitely abusive, I don’t wanna put the abuse, emotional, and verbal abuse, like our friend, Leslie Vurdick, and our call colleague Leslie talks about, just on gasoline.
I wanna say when I’m willfully lying under the truth and I’m omitting you’re not asking me, I think absolutely those are both emotionally and verbally, even if non verbally, verbally, and emotionally abusive.
All three.
So okay. Now I’m gonna turn to what if I have been lying to someone’s significance.
So let’s flip the tables really quick.
Um, and I walk in to get advice from you and advice from you.
What are you guys gonna tell me? How do I fix what I have so clearly lied about?
Yeah. I think one of the things I would start with is a question.
And so the question is, is this something that you’ve done? Is this something that you are doing?
Or is it something that you failed to do?
So theological, when we talk about sin, typically it’s 2 categories and gyms actually already mentioned it.
Um, sins of omission and sins of co mission.
So when it comes to lying, I want to use those same categories and just put it into that, um, that same language.
Uh, lying of omission is a type of passive lying and lying of commission is an active type of line.
We’ve done a lot with the active part, but I wanted to talk a little bit about the passive part, that word omission, it actually comes from the Latin word Omater.
Now, this is really interesting. It’s defined as the failure to do something, um, one can or ought to do.
And it’s that ought to do that I think is so vital.
And so in that discussion with this person, I want to first understand, are you even aware that you have a responsibility to do this, or back to our previous episode, are you self deceived in this?
And if they are self deceived, I wanna then unpack what is that source of deception.
I love what Charles spurgeon says. He said sins of a mission again are very plentiful.
Because men excused themselves so readily.
So the question we need to discuss, and I wanna unpack lovingly and kindly but also assertively, you know, with with attention to the detail is, um, in what ways are we allowing ourselves to be excused from responsibility and the consequence of these types of lying either, uh, through omission or through commission.
So good. Okay. It is with some of the therapeutic wisdom here.
Joel and I talked to off camera that he’ll bring therapy in, and you do so wisely.
My good friend and then I’ll bring Theology. I just don’t wanna separate these 2. Right? Mhmm.
Couple of things in Greek be continually in the tense Khan. Fessing your sins one to another.
It ought to be an active program. And coming in saying I need to continue to do that.
1st John 17, but if we walk in the light, and if you’re bored, take 1st John 17, and it’s positive, negative, positive, negative.
Every other verse, it is amazing.
Truth light, darkness, light, truth, lighting, all the way through, but 17 in first John.
But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, it is there. That’s where we meet.
That’s where we fellowship one with another comma, and the blood of Jesus Christ has sent cleanses us from all sin.
Borrow the sticky note in a relationship for every rip, there needs to be a repair.
So if you’ve lied, and I’m not worried about what the other person does, they’re all kind of rationalizations, do I say it?
Do I not? But to come in and say, look, especially watch the more intimate relationship the tighter the rules have to be.
Mhmm. The more intimate relation, the tighter the rules have to be like a marriage. Right?
And so to say, there are some things I’ve realized, especially walking in the spirit of the Holy spirits revealed this to me.
I hadn’t seen it before. Psalm 139. Search me of god. See, there’s something I’m missing.
Wherever ripped or needs to be repaired or you keep after a while, you just end up with, you know, relational confetti.
And I don’t want that. So I come and say, there’s some things I need to clean up like.
I worked with couples. So here’s a weekly check-in.
And one of the things is I made up this thing called fano Ross. My clients know what it is.
But it’s in the end. Feeling affirmations needs. What do you need around this? Ownership.
I need to own this. And then, oh, Ross fan, oh, Ross, for every rip, there needs to be a repair.
And then the second O is omission. What are you not telling me?
Wherein my self care spirituality and, um, and, uh, self care spirituality and sobriety.
Am I emotionally and spiritually sober? Now I know that’s all there.
Go back and watch the tape later on Thano Ross, but it helping couples to come in.
But friends can do it. Kids can do it and say, I wanna see, is there anything I’m not telling you to get this relationship back on the integrity basis it needs to be on.
And I encourage people to do it daily. Check that in. The old timers had the daily examine
Mhmm.
To sit and say, I need to go clean this up.
There’s a repair that needs to be made for the rip that I’ve done with lying.
And my my encouragement to that person, at least, because you asked, like, what if you’re the one doing it?
At some level, we think.
And if you’re doing and you’re in this situation right now, you think that there’s a convenience to your lives.
Yeah. You think it’s convenient. You think it’s gonna save you something, you think it’s going to, um, uh, lessen the pain of something, the anxiety of something.
I just want you to know that there is no convenience when it comes to these types of lies.
It’s so good.
It’s going to have severe consequences.
And so, like, what you said, Jim, the, the rip and the repair I mean, even just the image over here, it would have been so much easier to handle the rip of a half piece of a sticky versus all of the confetti that’s over here.
You know? Um, and so if you think that there’s a convenience to it, there just is not. Yeah.
One thing I’ll say, and I think this would be a good point to end on is lying affects trust.
Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships.
And once there’s been that rip that break and trust because of a lie, truth has got to come in, and there’s two ways that truth can come in, either by discovery or at mission.
And I can just speak from experience that if I have to work as the person being lied to, if I have to work to discover, and then they admit to that discovery, but they never admit past my discovery.
They they always wait to get caught in a lie before they admit the lie.
Whereas if they would have just come clean at the beginning and just done a disclosure of what the truth actually is, I can handle that, and that will help me later as we have to rebuild trust.
But if this person never admits more than I can discover, It’s super incredibly hard to repair that trust.
And trust, as you taught me, Jim, is built time, plus believable behavior, and I wanna add and track record.
So I love that. Yeah.
It’s it’s like if and I I think this is an old AA’s, um, statement, nine miles in, nine miles out.
Like, you know
And we stay as sick as our secret to bar from our friends at AA and Like, I don’t know when you’re gonna get caught with that.
You know what I’ve seen, though?
It’s like a cascading thing when the day I get busted And I know it even for a quote, a narcissist.
Um, that’s gonna catch up with the person.
I don’t know when, but what’s used by that time, the relationship is so foundationally just destroyed.
It’s like the foundation, the crawl space has been eaten alive with termites.
And one day, the whole thing collapses. I don’t know when that is.
So my side of the street, we talk about a lot. Clean up your side of the street.
Tim, boom, am I lying to myself? Am I trying to lie to god?
And am I lying to someone else? I reserve the right at any point.
And may I say, let’s take the word right out. It’s overused.
I reserve the reason to be able to go and say, I need to Joe, I need to clear some things up with you.
Big or small, whatever size. I want to be an integrity and I need to clean some up.
And when I do that, I have to let you go, so well, then you revise the history general whole friendship.
You’ve been lying. You go, Yeah.
I can’t do damage control there, but I’m gonna at least clean my side of the street up in grace, not just coming and blasting.
You hear some truth. I wanna be able to sign in to put some cards on the team.
And I think one of the best ways to start to rebuild trust, and that could be a whole another episode.
But just so we can end with like, okay.
Well, how do I if I’ve been lying, then how do I rebuild that trust?
I would say Be eager to let them if they’ve caught you in a lie, be eager to let them see whatever it is they need to see in order to believe the behavior now.
And so don’t wait for them to say, can I see your phone?
Have you been texting someone you shouldn’t be eager to say, hey, I want to show you the text that I’ve sent today because I wanna start building a track record of believable behavior and doing that consistently over a good long period of time, it is possible to start rebuilding trucks.
And to see how I teach that, and you’ve had to hear from me is I want this person male or female.
I want them to be structuring safety.
Just what Lisa said, try to structure safety for that person to walk into if you’ve betrayed them.
This person needs to be structuring safety the person over here will then be searching for safety asayla.
So brilliantly, the proactive nature you’ve stated here’s everything versus I sit back and wait to a person ask Get ahead of it by saying I wanna structure safety with you and all kinds of people, even after betrayal can heal.
One of the most repairing statements that I think a person can say, um, to me, if I’ve been lied to in a deep way, like, a betrayal inside of a relationship.
One of the best things that someone can say when I get triggered in, like, I fear.
Are you telling the truth, or are you lying again, or, you know, what’s really going on here?
One of the greatest things that that person can say instead of aren’t you over this yet?
If they say that, that is just gonna that that negates a lot of believable behavior and we back right back to ground 0.
But instead, if they say, of course, you’re feeling uncertain. Of course, you’re struggling with trust.
Of course, you’re getting triggered. Because the lie that I told you or the lies that I told you have created within you this certain trauma that needs to be repaired.
Of course, you’re feeling that way. Now what do you need? Do you need to have a conversation?
Do you need time with yourself? Do you need to see my phone? Do you need to see my computer?
What do you need?
Mhmm.
Because if that person is then telling the truth, they should be very eager. To show you the actual truth.
Wow. Long episode, good episode on lying.
And, um, thanks guys for helping all of us know what to do biblically and therapeutically.
In a situation of lying.
I lie, you lie, We all lie, lie, lie, lie. My alarm.
Thanks. Thanks, Joel.
That’s the deep theological stuff there.
Oh, I found some crazy statistics online about line. Alright. Where are the most lies seen?
Resumes 40% of resumes have lies on them, and then you wanna know a really scary one?
90% of dating profiles.
Not surprised.
Have on dating sites have lies. That is so scary.
It says by age four, 90% of children have learned the concept of lying, and it is estimated that 60% of adults cannot have a 10 minute conversation without lying at least once within those 10 minutes.
An average of 3 lies were told. Okay. Everyday Living.
12% of adults admit to lying, a admit to telling a lie often or sometimes.
And here’s the funny thing.
The rest are liars.
Exactly. Like, we’re we’re asking people to tell the truth about lying.
And you know they’d be lying. So I’m sure the stats are higher than that.
80% of women admit to telling harmless half truths occasionally.
Uh, 31% of people admit to lying on their resumes, which we already talked about, 13% of patients lie to their doctor.
I think that one’s higher. Because, uh, okay, honest admission.
When you filled out your doctor paperwork, have either of you ever lied about your weight.
Many times. Wait.
No. Because I know they’re gonna weigh me. Oh. Well, I’ve screamed at
the I’ve screamed at the scales.
You liar when I’ve on to the doctor, and I I try to get everything taken off my body that I can before I get on the scale.
Oh, I do too.
Yeah.
That’s appropriate, obviously. Can I
come in and eliminate me?
And they’ll ask me, like, Uh, do you wanna take anything off? I was like, yes. I do.
I’m like, here’s
my phone.
Here’s my wallet.
And then they’re like,
I’ve been believe you can keep
your shoes on. I’m like, no.
No. No. No. No.
The shoes are coming off.
I haven’t taken my glasses off.
Well, of course, there’s a lot of
I have actually before taking my earrings out. I’m not even gonna lie.
Stop there, recruit. Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen,
Okay. Uh, it says 32% of patients stretch the truth to their doctor.
30% live off their diet and exercise regimen.
Especially around Taco Bell. Anyhow.
Okay. If you listen to a previous episode, if you know, you know.
Episode 1.
Okay. Um, 6 lies are told daily by men to their partner, boss, or colleagues.
3 lies are told daily by women to their partner boss or colleagues.
And it says lying is considered common among phone calls than face to face chats, one lie in every 7 is discovered as far as liars can tell.
I think that’s a funny one.
Wow. Yeah.
And it says 70 percent of liars claim they would tell their lies again.
Americans tell an average of 11 lies a week.
And if you keep multiplying that out, let’s say if we only told 4 lies a day.
Like, took the average between men lying eight times a day, women, or six times a day, and women doing 3 would take the average go to 4 I mean, if we multiply it out, that could be literally over 1400 lies.
And they’re in lies.
It’s the problem. And therein was the problem. Okay. Um, do you wanna really feel convicted? No.
Joel does. Come on. Connected.
Here’s the thing.
To the good part.
Yeah. Here’s here’s the thing. Okay.
And we are gonna get to the good part in a minute, but for the sake of those watching us online, on our YouTube channel.
Um, I just want y’all to be honest, and I want you to raise your hand if you have ever told these lies.
Okay? Are you
talking to Jim and I,
or she’s looking at you?
Because here are some the most common lies. Okay. You’re gonna play? We’re gonna play. Alright. Ready? I forgot.
Oh, lord.
I mean, it’s in, like, I knew, but I forgot.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Um, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I was stuck in traffic.
The the Starbucks line traffic was long.
Yeah. Right. Inside or outside? Oh.
My phone died?
Oh. Does that count mid conversation with somebody do it when we talk to? Sorry, lady.
No much from that.
Um, I have no way to contact you.
I’ve used I I have actually used that one.
Yeah. Um, I never got the message.
Never got the email.
Gotta be a therapist. Like, No.
Um, I couldn’t get any phone signal.
Well, that’s true because just outside of town where we ate last night, there’s a place literally down the road.
I know. I’m not saying when that was a true legitimate excuse. I’m saying you use that as an excuse
that my last night. It’s not really never lied. I have never lied. I didn’t understand the thing.
Pull those hands down.
I No.
That’s the only one you got in stock. He told me wrong. No.
I didn’t. All of our data. Okay. I’m lying right now. He’s lying about lying, but not lying. Okay. Alright.
So crazy We
in Houston. We have a problem.
I know. I don’t I don’t even know why.
I mean, honestly, why these statistics are what they are, except for the fact, that there are reasons that we lie.
And and sometimes the reasons that we lie, it’s for social graces. Right?
Oh, yeah.
And so I was having a conversation yesterday, and someone said, well, I I have to lie if the truth is gonna hurt somebody.
Mhmm.
Or I have to lie if I wanna keep that friend because if I tell the truth, then that’s gonna hurt her so bad that, I mean, it could really do damage to our friendship.
And so we got into this really interesting conversation.
And I said, when my kids were little, I taught them a triangle. And the triangle is this.
Arm the words I’m about to say. Are they true? Are they kind? Are they necessary?
So sometimes things can be true and kind, but they’re not necessary.
Sometimes they can be necessary and kind, but not true. Right?
And so I think it’s really interesting to think about those 3 words.
Um, so I’ve done the introduction online, and what do we do about it now?
Well, I wanna know. I think we all just got apps.
On our test.
I know Joel for sure did. I did too. Yeah.
On our test, we were we’re in either good or bad times. Maybe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
And, of course, there’s other reasons people lie too, like, to shift blame, avoid confrontation to get their own way.
I mean, those earlier ones are not I mean, they can be serious, but Yeah.
Sometimes lying is is really damaging in relation ships.
I mean, of course, we can get into gas line and, uh, gaslighting.
And then we can, you know, talk about betrayals and So, you know, I don’t wanna make light of this that’s very, very challenging and hard, but, you know, we talked in this last episode about self But now we’re talking about deceiving others.
Yeah.
So what do we do about this?
You alluded, if I may, real quick, to gaslighting and you both have heard this before.
I just made this up one day. The 3 types of lie, there may be more.
3 types of lies, l o g spells log, lou a lying, uh, common nomenclature is, I told a bold face lie.
It’s actually you can Google it. That’s one usage, but the original usage is a bold Face line.
Nothing on my face. I’m just looking right at you in line.
So either to to lie three ways, l o g, lying.
Just look right at you and lie when I know the truth. Oh, is a big one.
Feels like it gets left out a lot. It’s also in the Bible, sins of omission.
The o is omission. You’re not asking. I ain’t telling.
I’ve asked and often as people I’ve worked with in counseling, do you think your spouse would want to know?
Or this person you’re in relationship with, would they want to know that would it matter impacting the relationship?
Lying, o is omitting, and g is gaslighting when I know the truth. You know the truth.
You’re telling the truth. And I know and you buy you and I both know you know the truth.
And I’m gonna just say, nope.
We’ve talked about, I think, another podcast in the movie gaslight where the guy would kinda monkey around with the lights and turn them off.
You never turn those lights on.
She knew she did, but it has this kind of mind game that goes online. Omitting or gaslighting.
So those are very functional. I try to use it as a simple inventory for people in, in our relationship now.
Have we ball face light? We omitted or anything we ought to know in this relationship and then my gaslighting.
That’s really good, Jim. And I think I’ve said before in relationships, and I’ve even said this to my kids before, if you’ll just tell me the truth, we can handle the issue together.
Yeah.
But if you lie about it, you’re gonna damage the trust so much that you’re gonna have 2 big issues the original issue, and now you’re adding on top of it the issue of lying.
Yeah. And I think as we do this series on self awareness, it’s really good to address this because sometimes I don’t know if it’s because we self to see first and justify that, then creating this lie to other people.
Or if we lie to other people, and then try to self deceive and justify it just to kinda make a way to keep lying about it.
It’s almost like chicken, the egg. What comes first?
I think it’s I think it’s circular
for sure.
One of I think one of the things I find really interesting is, um, that the there has to be a benefit to the lie.
Like there’s a reason why these statistics are what they are. There’s a reason why people participated in them.
There’s a reason why it’s seems to be based off of some of these numbers.
There is almost a hardwired natural inclination to tell these little white lies, you know, just to get out of a situation.
So like the question is, what is the benefit that we believe that we’re getting out of the lie?
And the image that I kind of have imagine having this massive waterfall, you know, and it’s coming your way.
And you think that you can stop the waterfall by just, participating the line.
So the the one lie is like a brick and then you keep adding it all up and you think that you’re keeping the waterfall back, but the problem is there’s just more and more water that’s back there.
Eventually, those lies are going to collapse and fall apart.
And when it collapses and falls apart, instead of the regular stream of water that would come and you would have just addressed it and dealt with it.
Now you have a tsunami of water that’s coming.
And so there’s a greater consequence of all these stacked up lies then the benefit that is the deception that the lie is going to give you.
Now in John 844, I think one of, again, this is just important, I think, for us to to grasp is that lying and deception is the favorite strategy of the enemy.
So if we just think about it from this like spiritual standpoint, our participation in lying is a participation in the tactic of the enemy.
We just wanna, like, take a step back and say, is that what we actually want from ourselves?
Do we and I’m not saying that you do this or I do this, but if we’re aware of that’s what’s actually happening, it might be a guardrail that can help us in kind of fighting it.
But this is what, uh, Jesus says in John 844.
He’s talking to this group of people, and they’re asking all kinds of questions.
And at some point, Jesus is frustrated.
And he goes, and he says this, you are of your father, the devil, and you wanna carry out your father’s desires.
Notice this, the desire language. He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in the truth.
Because there is no truth in him.
When he tells a lie, he speaks from his own nature because he is a liar and the father of lies Now in the previous episode, we talked about the origins.
We talked about the Serpent and in the Garden of Eden. So you can go back and listen to that.
I won’t unpack it again, but I do wanna talk about the progression of the lying that the enemy does.
And and here’s kinda how it works itself out with the Serpent Adam and Eve First, um, the serpent questions the validity of the truth.
He questions ability of the truth. Did god really say? And then this is really important.
Then after you’re discombobulated in a sense, then the actual light takes place. Right?
Uh, no, you will certainly not die. And then the lie by itself is not, uh, substantial enough.
The enemy then reinforces the benefit of what that lie might be when you eat, you will be like god.
So there seems to be this kind of 3 part mechanism that’s happening with lying.
One is the validity, the the distortion around reality.
Well, if there’s validity and distortion around reality, that’s perfect place for an actual lie to be because you’re disconnected from what is actual true.
And then the presence of the lie, but in order for that lie to actually have any weight, you’ve got to convince other person that there’s a benefit to that lie.
And this is why it’s so dangerous for, um, any any of us
That’s really good Joel. And I would imagine too when we participate in the language of lying, which is the enemy.
We also are helping him do his work for him. Yeah.
Because when we lie and spread lies, that that is my helping the enemy.
This is my this is a side note that I always have to attack whenever we talk about the enemy.
We’ve at times had this have this belief that the enemy is equal to god. Right?
Like the enemy is omniscient, omnipresent. He’s in multiple places and multiple times. The enemy is a created being.
In that sense, he’s limited in time and space.
There is one enemy and there are malevolent spirits and and evil forces that are out there, but what you just at least is so important what if we’re actually just helping and aiding the to to multiply the impact of evil in the world And one of the ways that we can do that is by participating in lying, which the enemy is the father of lies.
Yeah. I’ve been in situations before where I’m having a conversation with someone, and I know they are lying, but they don’t know.
Or they they have so twisted something in our brain that the truth to them has become whatever protects them.
And so that’s also where it can get incredibly damaging in relationships. So, Jim, help me here.
If I come into your office and I say, I have a significant relationship where there is a pattern of lying, either the other person is lying or I’ve been lying about this thing, and I don’t know how to course correct.
What advice would you give me?
Well, first, I’m gonna say, do you trust what you see?
And, of person can take a moment, kinda, uh, quiet down.
They’ll say, you know, I really feel like I am seeing, and I have sometimes even evidence appearing that this person is, uh, out of congruence that they’re saying this, but I’ve even got evidence that this is not true.
Or if not evidence, I’ve got a pretty good gut feeling, and there’s been a pattern over and over and over.
So I said, do you believe what you see? Go to your moment just to your gut.
And if your gut is saying, yeah, this is this is not true what’s going on, whether it’s gaslighting lying or emitting, So do you trust yourself with that?
And then to look, and I always look at the history of things.
Like, maybe how long has this been going on?
Could just as likely get, you know, it’s been actually going on our whole relationship with this person’s been lying, omitting, or gaslighting, or no.
Something’s happened because I felt like we had real integrity in the relationship, and it’s just started to come on recently.
If you take the word we use so much, right, and affair, like an adulterous affair, if someone could be proven that they had never had an adulterous affair before.
So, obviously, if they make that shift in her end infidelity, they could do things like starting to blame the innocent spouse.
You sure you’re not having an affair? Or, again, back to Shakespeare. Me thinks they’ll dust protest too much.
So you say, Yes. Starting about a year ago or 6 months ago, I don’t know what’s going on, but something’s a skew here.
Mhmm. Some things out of alignment say, well, let’s just investigate that.
That’s really good because I think when we are interacting with someone, and I’ll just speak for myself, sometimes I so desperately want to give that person the benefit of the doubt because I’m naturally wired to believe the best about other people.
Mhmm.
So it’s incredibly disregulating to me when someone’s when someone that I wanna believe the best about when their words that come out of their mouth do not match the actions that I’m experiencing from them.
And that can be so incredibly disregulating. So besides investigation, what would you tell me to do?
I’d like to borrow the words you just said. If I’m going to and I get it.
If I’m going to give someone else the benefit of the doubt, will I back up and in tandem?
Right away, give myself the benefit of my doubt Wow.
Where I could sit and say, wait a minute.
What I see appears real Uh, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
And then I think without having to go deep into some investigative process, is pay attention to your internal world.
Your gut. Praying god. Show me wisdom. Uh, revealed to me.
The word of god implies actually in several places that someone covers god will uncover.
What’s done in the darkness will eventually be brought into the light. Lord, am I seeing this right?
Open my eyes. God helped me to see these things. Am I walking in truth by the way?
Is there anything in incongruency where I’m out of alignment myself? Like, I’m lying or being self deceived.
And then I think to take it out, I always use that to laxate one thing I borrow from a Jerusalem, Jardia Samira, the infamous parts of the world, put people on each one of those concentric circles.
A couple of good friends. Maybe my personal board of directors and say, hey.
I’m not gossiping about the spouse or this person, but I have some concerns here.
Let me tell you what I see.
If your higher security system company that come in, they’ll come and say, Hey. You got a problem here.
You got a problem there. Just kind of with with people and say, do I do do I sound crazy here?
And then sometimes the that personal board of directors could say when we see this, again, when I’ve said when common sense makes Good sense, seek to another sense.
You’d be surprised or not. Some of your closest friends may say, no.
If I were you, I’d be feeling the exact same thing.
And usually, people who lie, even if there is, quote, pathological lying or their consciousness, seared as with the hot iron, they if I’ve learned anything anecdotally, just duct tape experience here.
The lying person, I mean, I believe, about a 100% will eventually start leaving breadcrumbs It’ll lead you right to it it will become they just can’t hide it.
It may not happen tomorrow, but in time, those secrets are gonna come up to the
Okay. Let me ask you a heart question.
When there’s a pattern of lying, omitting, and gaslighting, is that emotional abuse?
There’s no question in my mind about it.
And I would say if I’m overtly lying, uh, yeah, disclaimer, right, we’re human. We’re real.
We are, you know, one of the things about this podcast is what they see on this set is the same thing.
And what they listen to is with we’re have we just had lunch. We’re friends. We talked about things.
So here’s the thing. If something like that is going on, more than the stats at the beginning, where we’re all admitting, like, we we’ve shaved the truth, whatever.
And now into the serious business, if I’m willfully lying looking right at you lying.
And that means I know the truth. I’m not a sociopath or I’m not deceived.
I know I’m lying to you, or I’m admitting, like, You didn’t ask me.
So I ain’t I ain’t telling, but I know you’d wanna know or I’m gaslighting, which is definitely abusive, I don’t wanna put the abuse, emotional, and verbal abuse, like our friend, Leslie Vurdick, and our call colleague Leslie talks about, just on gasoline.
I wanna say when I’m willfully lying under the truth and I’m omitting you’re not asking me, I think absolutely those are both emotionally and verbally, even if non verbally, verbally, and emotionally abusive.
All three.
So okay. Now I’m gonna turn to what if I have been lying to someone’s significance.
So let’s flip the tables really quick.
Um, and I walk in to get advice from you and advice from you.
What are you guys gonna tell me? How do I fix what I have so clearly lied about?
Yeah. I think one of the things I would start with is a question.
And so the question is, is this something that you’ve done? Is this something that you are doing?
Or is it something that you failed to do?
So theological, when we talk about sin, typically it’s 2 categories and gyms actually already mentioned it.
Um, sins of omission and sins of co mission.
So when it comes to lying, I want to use those same categories and just put it into that, um, that same language.
Uh, lying of omission is a type of passive lying and lying of commission is an active type of line.
We’ve done a lot with the active part, but I wanted to talk a little bit about the passive part, that word omission, it actually comes from the Latin word Omater.
Now, this is really interesting. It’s defined as the failure to do something, um, one can or ought to do.
And it’s that ought to do that I think is so vital.
And so in that discussion with this person, I want to first understand, are you even aware that you have a responsibility to do this, or back to our previous episode, are you self deceived in this?
And if they are self deceived, I wanna then unpack what is that source of deception.
I love what Charles spurgeon says. He said sins of a mission again are very plentiful.
Because men excused themselves so readily.
So the question we need to discuss, and I wanna unpack lovingly and kindly but also assertively, you know, with with attention to the detail is, um, in what ways are we allowing ourselves to be excused from responsibility and the consequence of these types of lying either, uh, through omission or through commission.
So good. Okay. It is with some of the therapeutic wisdom here.
Joel and I talked to off camera that he’ll bring therapy in, and you do so wisely.
My good friend and then I’ll bring Theology. I just don’t wanna separate these 2. Right? Mhmm.
Couple of things in Greek be continually in the tense Khan. Fessing your sins one to another.
It ought to be an active program. And coming in saying I need to continue to do that.
1st John 17, but if we walk in the light, and if you’re bored, take 1st John 17, and it’s positive, negative, positive, negative.
Every other verse, it is amazing.
Truth light, darkness, light, truth, lighting, all the way through, but 17 in first John.
But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, it is there. That’s where we meet.
That’s where we fellowship one with another comma, and the blood of Jesus Christ has sent cleanses us from all sin.
Borrow the sticky note in a relationship for every rip, there needs to be a repair.
So if you’ve lied, and I’m not worried about what the other person does, they’re all kind of rationalizations, do I say it?
Do I not? But to come in and say, look, especially watch the more intimate relationship the tighter the rules have to be.
Mhmm. The more intimate relation, the tighter the rules have to be like a marriage. Right?
And so to say, there are some things I’ve realized, especially walking in the spirit of the Holy spirits revealed this to me.
I hadn’t seen it before. Psalm 139. Search me of god. See, there’s something I’m missing.
Wherever ripped or needs to be repaired or you keep after a while, you just end up with, you know, relational confetti.
And I don’t want that. So I come and say, there’s some things I need to clean up like.
I worked with couples. So here’s a weekly check-in.
And one of the things is I made up this thing called fano Ross. My clients know what it is.
But it’s in the end. Feeling affirmations needs. What do you need around this? Ownership.
I need to own this. And then, oh, Ross fan, oh, Ross, for every rip, there needs to be a repair.
And then the second O is omission. What are you not telling me?
Wherein my self care spirituality and, um, and, uh, self care spirituality and sobriety.
Am I emotionally and spiritually sober? Now I know that’s all there.
Go back and watch the tape later on Thano Ross, but it helping couples to come in.
But friends can do it. Kids can do it and say, I wanna see, is there anything I’m not telling you to get this relationship back on the integrity basis it needs to be on.
And I encourage people to do it daily. Check that in. The old timers had the daily examine
Mhmm.
To sit and say, I need to go clean this up.
There’s a repair that needs to be made for the rip that I’ve done with lying.
And my my encouragement to that person, at least, because you asked, like, what if you’re the one doing it?
At some level, we think.
And if you’re doing and you’re in this situation right now, you think that there’s a convenience to your lives.
Yeah. You think it’s convenient. You think it’s gonna save you something, you think it’s going to, um, uh, lessen the pain of something, the anxiety of something.
I just want you to know that there is no convenience when it comes to these types of lies.
It’s so good.
It’s going to have severe consequences.
And so, like, what you said, Jim, the, the rip and the repair I mean, even just the image over here, it would have been so much easier to handle the rip of a half piece of a sticky versus all of the confetti that’s over here.
You know? Um, and so if you think that there’s a convenience to it, there just is not. Yeah.
One thing I’ll say, and I think this would be a good point to end on is lying affects trust.
Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships.
And once there’s been that rip that break and trust because of a lie, truth has got to come in, and there’s two ways that truth can come in, either by discovery or at mission.
And I can just speak from experience that if I have to work as the person being lied to, if I have to work to discover, and then they admit to that discovery, but they never admit past my discovery.
They they always wait to get caught in a lie before they admit the lie.
Whereas if they would have just come clean at the beginning and just done a disclosure of what the truth actually is, I can handle that, and that will help me later as we have to rebuild trust.
But if this person never admits more than I can discover, It’s super incredibly hard to repair that trust.
And trust, as you taught me, Jim, is built time, plus believable behavior, and I wanna add and track record.
So I love that. Yeah.
It’s it’s like if and I I think this is an old AA’s, um, statement, nine miles in, nine miles out.
Like, you know
And we stay as sick as our secret to bar from our friends at AA and Like, I don’t know when you’re gonna get caught with that.
You know what I’ve seen, though?
It’s like a cascading thing when the day I get busted And I know it even for a quote, a narcissist.
Um, that’s gonna catch up with the person.
I don’t know when, but what’s used by that time, the relationship is so foundationally just destroyed.
It’s like the foundation, the crawl space has been eaten alive with termites.
And one day, the whole thing collapses. I don’t know when that is.
So my side of the street, we talk about a lot. Clean up your side of the street.
Tim, boom, am I lying to myself? Am I trying to lie to god?
And am I lying to someone else? I reserve the right at any point.
And may I say, let’s take the word right out. It’s overused.
I reserve the reason to be able to go and say, I need to Joe, I need to clear some things up with you.
Big or small, whatever size. I want to be an integrity and I need to clean some up.
And when I do that, I have to let you go, so well, then you revise the history general whole friendship.
You’ve been lying. You go, Yeah.
I can’t do damage control there, but I’m gonna at least clean my side of the street up in grace, not just coming and blasting.
You hear some truth. I wanna be able to sign in to put some cards on the team.
And I think one of the best ways to start to rebuild trust, and that could be a whole another episode.
But just so we can end with like, okay.
Well, how do I if I’ve been lying, then how do I rebuild that trust?
I would say Be eager to let them if they’ve caught you in a lie, be eager to let them see whatever it is they need to see in order to believe the behavior now.
And so don’t wait for them to say, can I see your phone?
Have you been texting someone you shouldn’t be eager to say, hey, I want to show you the text that I’ve sent today because I wanna start building a track record of believable behavior and doing that consistently over a good long period of time, it is possible to start rebuilding trucks.
And to see how I teach that, and you’ve had to hear from me is I want this person male or female.
I want them to be structuring safety.
Just what Lisa said, try to structure safety for that person to walk into if you’ve betrayed them.
This person needs to be structuring safety the person over here will then be searching for safety asayla.
So brilliantly, the proactive nature you’ve stated here’s everything versus I sit back and wait to a person ask Get ahead of it by saying I wanna structure safety with you and all kinds of people, even after betrayal can heal.
One of the most repairing statements that I think a person can say, um, to me, if I’ve been lied to in a deep way, like, a betrayal inside of a relationship.
One of the best things that someone can say when I get triggered in, like, I fear.
Are you telling the truth, or are you lying again, or, you know, what’s really going on here?
One of the greatest things that that person can say instead of aren’t you over this yet?
If they say that, that is just gonna that that negates a lot of believable behavior and we back right back to ground 0.
But instead, if they say, of course, you’re feeling uncertain. Of course, you’re struggling with trust.
Of course, you’re getting triggered. Because the lie that I told you or the lies that I told you have created within you this certain trauma that needs to be repaired.
Of course, you’re feeling that way. Now what do you need? Do you need to have a conversation?
Do you need time with yourself? Do you need to see my phone? Do you need to see my computer?
What do you need?
Mhmm.
Because if that person is then telling the truth, they should be very eager. To show you the actual truth.
Wow. Long episode, good episode on lying.
And, um, thanks guys for helping all of us know what to do biblically and therapeutically.
In a situation of lying.
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