Why Do I Do What I Don’t Want To Do?

Why we do the things we don’t want to do, and how do we overcome falling into the same habits and behaviors?

Learn from Lysa TerKeurst, Dr. Joel Muddamalle and Jim Cress in Episode 1 of this six-part series of Therapy & Theology titled “I Want To Be More Self-Aware.” Each week, we’ll hear conversations providing insight on how we can live as the most healthy versions of ourselves.

Welcome to this episode of Therapy And Theology.
My name is Lisa Turkers, and I’m here with my teammates, Doctor Joel Munamale, from Proverbs 31 Ministries and licensed professional counselor, Jim Press, where some thankful, compassion International has partnered with us to sponsor this season of therapy and theology.
Compassion brings real solutions to poverty that so many children in today’s world are facing, all in Jesus’s name, and through the generosity of sponsors like you and me.
Visit compassion.com/proverbs31, or click the link in our show notes to join me in sponsoring a child today.
In this season, we’re focusing on how to be more self aware.
We all wanna grow, but sometimes we have a difficult time determining what it is that keeping us from truly healing and becoming more of the person god made us to be.
As we dive into each episode, I encourage you to download a free resource I put together titled What’s it like to do life with me?
This resource will help you find out what it’s like for others to interact with you by working through insightful questions with a trusted friend.
Now let’s dive in. Okay. So today we’re talking about self awareness, but first, I felt like it would be good for us to have confession time.
Hold on.
Because he’s eager to share his No.
I’m not sure.
You’re always eager. That
Okay. Like,
I got
set up. So name something that you go, oh, why do I do this?
Why do I do what I don’t wanna do?
Okay. So I just wanna start by saying on Tuesday nights, I play basketball.
And y’all need to know this last Tuesday night, I had the best game of my life.
Like, I average who play, like, games up to 18 points, I averaged, like, 6 to 9 points, which I just Is this video?
Improve it. There’s video. Yes. Okay. And I crushed a 3 game winning shot Alright?
So I’m so but this is the thing. Like, why do I do the things that that I do?
You know what? Hold on. I am so impressed right now.
You just wrote a book on theology. I mean, you just wrote a book on humility.
And now you’re bragging. So this is epic. We just need to pause and receive this. Okay.
Go ahead.
That teaches us humility in so many ways. Um, so so here’s so okay. The here’s the thing.
I, Brett made the most incredible dinner, right, before. And she knows I play basketball in Tuesdays.
So it’s a great protein filled, like, dinner. You know? And I’m good. And we’re on a budget.
Like, we’re like, hey, we’re gonna be really careful with what we’re spending.
We’ve got some goals, and it’s really good. And I don’t know how this happened.
But I get done and I drive down the same road every time to come, you know, back home.
And without even knowing it, I don’t understand this. Jim, I’m a need your help.
I make a right turn and then another right turn and then do a little curve.
And all of a sudden, I’m ordering a number 4 crunchwrap supreme with a soft taco instead of a hard shell taco with a bunch of fire sauce and a baja blast.
It’s called
classical conditioning, steady pavlov’s dogs. Your mouth is watering. They ring the bell and you’re in Taco Bell.
You see the Bell? The Bell. Bell right there.
And then
I but then here’s the thing that I get out and I eat my Taco Bell in the parking lot by myself.
And I just wonder, why do I do and Sometimes I’ll even have this mental thought as I’m leaving the gym.
Like, no no talk about it, Joel. You’re gonna do it. This time, you’re gonna go straight home.
It’s gonna be great. And right turn, right turn, go to the curve in the line, order my number 4.
Britney is for sure gonna wanna favorite this episode.
She’s been waiting for this moment for you to say I should not be doing this.
I should not be doing this.
This is Okay. I guess it’s my turn now. Why do I do? What I don’t wanna do?
My mouth keeps saying yes when my brain is absolutely screaming. No. Don’t. You don’t have time.
You don’t have the capacity for this. Say no. Say no. Say no.
And then my mouth is like, of course, I would love to do that.
Why do I do what I don’t wanna do? Your turn, Jim?
Mine is we’ll get to this in one of the episodes, but I was either born with or quickly developed seriously an anxious attachment.
Style. And so inside, that has really grown and transformed with a lot of therapy.
Why do I do what I don’t want to do in this, or sometimes why do I do what I do?
Why did I just do that?
Is I will at times still react instead of respond to matter how much I’ve taught or written about it or spoken on it, especially if I’m tired or stressed.
And I go to a reaction mode when I feel like jimbo, you know better, but I still do it.
Okay. So we asked our listeners for some more examples, and so this is these are some of their answers.
So why do I say yes to that person every time. Why am I always running late?
Why can’t I ever get it together or get ahead? Why do I always feel like it’s my fault?
Why do I never feel like it’s my fault?
Why do I always try to manage other people’s emotions and feelings?
Why does this person always get the worst side of me?
Why do I always feel like I have to say something? Silence should be an option. Right?
Why do I keep doing this? Why am I still tempted by this?
Why do I keep saying things that don’t match my true heart’s intent. Okay.
So maybe there’s some other ways that you may be asking this question.
Why do I do what I don’t wanna do? Like, Why can’t I just make progress?
Why can’t I get rid of blank? Um, maybe it’s that feeling. Maybe it’s anxiety.
Um, why does relational drama keep coming up in my life? Why can’t I put boundaries into practice?
And Also, I feel like sometimes we’re so acutely aware of our faults that we can even just berate our self, just speaking to our self with an overactive conscience.
So, Joel, why do we do this from a theological standpoint? What do you have to say?
And, Jim, from a therapy standpoint. What do you have to say?
Yeah. I think from a theological standpoint, we we always have to be aware that there is a motivation that is driving us as human beings.
Like, so for instance, in, like, they’re these early church theologians, Martin Luther and John Calvin, and they have this Latin saying, uh, which basically is the heart bent in incur incovitous and say.
And what that means is that Okay.
Wait. What did the what is that phrase?
Encovitous and say. It’s a Latin phrase. The heart
caved in.
Caved in or Benton. Right? And so this is really important.
In the opening pages of Genesis, we have this idea that god creates humanity with an object of affection and that object of affection is god himself.
They’re always designed to have an ambition, a drive, a desire to pour out love onto god.
And then to rightly, the super important appropriately pour out love to each other.
This also includes creation because they’re supposed to be, guess what, good stewards of creation of the animals of the plants.
Like, there’s this balanced order here. What sin does, sin doesn’t turn off that love.
Sin doesn’t turn off the ambition or the desire.
Would SIN does, and this is another theologian modern day, James Smith, who says it this way, that what sin does is if your heart is a pump that is pouring out love and the object of affection was always supposed to be god.
What sin does is it knocks that heart pump off kilter.
And no longer is it is it pouring desiring love out, uh, to the appropriate and proper object of affection.
It’s being curved inward. And we’re actually pouring out love onto ourselves, which means we have desires and ambitions.
And we do the things that we do because there’s an undercurrent of desire that We believe we’re going to get something out of it.
And at the very bottom of that is this hidden, passive, subversive doubt that god can actually be the fulfillment of the thing that you’re actually longing for.
So that’s so interesting, Joel, because my confession that I made is Why does my mouth keep saying yes when my mind is saying no?
Mhmm.
And I think we will always be deaf Sprint to get from other people, what we fear, we will never get from god.
And so I think the reason that I’m saying yes is not just to people, please.
It’s not it’s not that I just wanna make everybody happy.
It’s because the person I’m doing with this with, they have something I don’t want them to take away from me.
So either they have acceptance of me or they they’re fun, and I don’t want them to think poorly me, or I really want them to, um, love me or admire me or, you know, respect me.
And so I’m afraid if I say no, then they will take that love, respect, and honor away from me.
So I’ll say it again. We will always we will always desperately try to get from other people what we fear, we will never get from god.
Right. So I know that’s like a big deep answer to why do I say yes when my mind says no?
But I think it it is more serious than that.
I do think it comes back to, I fear that maybe god won’t provide the same good today feelings of I’m loved.
I’m accepted. You know, I, um, people are are happy with me. You know?
And and they’re not gonna reject me.
And so I think sometimes I fear that I don’t know how to get the tangible feeling from god.
I know it with my mind. God loves me. God respects me. You know, god, um, adores me.
Like, I am his child. You know, he he sees me as an image bearer of Christ.
I know all of that with my mind. Sometimes my heart is searching out here, and I think you’re right.
It’s because the love pump is not is knocked off kilter. Mhmm.
And so I’m desperate to get those things from other people, which then throws me into trying to please them so they’ll give me what I really want them to give me.
You’ve just eloquently described when I talk about people pleasing in my own life or in the life of others when I’m people pleasing, the number one person I’m really trying to plea trying to please this myself.
People pleasers been won many times. We’re actually very powerful.
We’re not weak because I will feel like I can almost like your vending machine come in and put my quarters in and get out of you what I want.
Your approval. Or your blessing.
And you you’ve also just described Lisa there, what I would call and others would probably call a scarcity mentality in relationships.
I’m not enough. I’m not enough to stand on my own 2 feet in and of myself.
And so we wanna examine that or there won’t be enough for if I do X Y or Z or have boundaries, if I dare to say no, then I might lose access to you, relationship with you.
And maybe I’m not even thinking about what is the quality of that relationship I have with you already?
But, uh, I there was an old show called He hauled and had a song in it that said, if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.
So I’ve said that to people.
He doesn’t know this one because he’s too young.
Dungans. We’re old. Yeah. We’re old. And I’m really old, but it’s like, I’d rather take a bad relationship. Mhmm.
Or maybe an unhealthy or even toxic relationship, then no relationship at all.
So I’ve said a bunch and you both have heard it.
That what I don’t work out in my life, there’s a good chance I’m going to act out.
So we’ve said many times right here on this program, if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.
So in me, what might be going on me inside me, in my story, maybe some unfinished business from the past, that sets me up to hustle for my worthiness.
And the thing is there’s always a payoff. I what are you getting out?
I’m getting nothing out of hustling here.
Or this scarcity mentality or people pleasing, you know, there’s always a payoff or we wouldn’t do it.
Discovering what that payoff is, that’s another story.
Yeah. So, like, in Joel’s case, yummy tacos.
And the feeling, honestly, what I think the taco bell thing is sorry.
I’m not a therapist, so just correct me if I’m about to ruin his life.
But I really think it’s that you feel like you are in control and nobody can boss you’re around.
Yeah. And you go to the Taco Bell and you order what you want and eat what you want and nobody sees.
Yeah.
So it’s almost as if it didn’t happen.
Yeah. Yeah. I think I think, Jim,
you Well, you remember we talked about this before. You’re also a bit dissociated. That’s not a bad word.
We all dissociate a little bit.
Because are you sitting in the car just staring off into oblivion, or are you watching something more device for it?
No. Let’s be honest about it. And I’m a big fan. You’ve got the Olafactory senses. Everything’s involved.
I when you’re talking about this, I learned him sitting here craving taco Like, right now. Yeah. Lugs has come.
Yeah. I do. I’m much first take now.
You got a perfect Come on. But it’s honest. You’ve got a perfect environment to go.
Plus, You have been on the basketball court, whether you played well or not. Neurochemically, you’ve been in a rush.
All that stuff going on in your body, all those neurochemical processes going on.
They’ll begin to wane and come down.
So it’s a quite of a comforting thing to be there and to distract into dissociate yourself in a healthy way probably Mhmm.
For a little bit. Makes sense.
Yeah. And I think to some extent, we’re also factoring in some spoken rules that maybe we acquired through Christianity or maybe even through a family of origin.
And I,
you
know, I was having a conversation recently with Maddie Vincent. She works here at Proverbs 31 Ministries.
Interrupt this program for the following name change. Yes. I
thought you don’t worry.
I have this issue. I when when when all my friends and staff members get married.
I don’t change their name in my phone.
Yeah. And
so this just happens. I still know them. Okay. Whatever. Sorry, Maddie. Okay.
But I was having this conversation with her, and I, you know, they’re in Christianity and in my family of origin.
I have felt so long that it’s like you should do this and you should do this and you should do this.
And anytime I start to feel this should NES being put on me, then it makes me feel like I have to do this or I’m not a good Christian.
I have to do this or I’m not a good daughter.
I have to do this or I’m not a good friend.
I have to do this or I’m not a good employee The
pressure’s on. And that feeling is you have like, wow. The pressure’s on there, isn’t it?
And to some extent, we do have responsibilities Of course. With all of those things. Absolutely.
And there are rules that needed need to be followed.
There are commands of god that need to be honored and followed, but I think what happens to me is outside of the biblical truths that I do need to follow and outside of the expectations of my work or even my friends, I start taking those shoulds and putting them on myself.
And
then I turn them inside of me, and it feeds like condemnation.
So the conversation I was having with Maddie was she had this revelation.
What if we changed from I should do this, which can feed condemnation and all of that
Right.
To I could do this.
That’s good.
And I think that’s a much more empowering way to do it.
Like, when a friend asks you to go to dinner, instead of feeling like I should do this.
Like, I’ve got a lot going on tonight, but I really should go out to dinner with this friend on this particular night just because they made a request.
But what if we say to ourselves, I could I could go to dinner with this person.
I could choose to, or I could choose to go home and do what I need to responsibly do and offer another night for dinner to the sprint.
Mhmm. Just because someone makes a request their request should never be our absolute demand.
Yeah.
You know, we can respect their request and certainly different roles.
If it’s a boss, then you need to honor that request. Right?
But I think sometimes in life, like, a friend will make a request.
Suddenly, we feel like their request is automatically our responsibility or our demand.
And so we push ourselves past our capacity. And then we shame ourselves. I should do this.
I should do this. I should do this. And sometimes I even do it out of guilt
so
they don’t feel that condemnation rather than a true joy of getting together with a friend.
You just went where my mind went. Should and shame both. I’m a simple guy.
Uh, they should and shame both start with s h. And it’s also, like, to your true voice or yourself.
And, uh, I think the more shoulds that are there then it’s going to lead to shame, which we’ve said often, that is self hatred at my expense.
There was also a
Let’s not rush past that.
Let’s see
it one more time. Shane could be an acronym for self hatred at my expense.
I can hate myself and it will cost me a lot the problem is. This is not even a problem.
The reality is, shame is an attempted antidote to pain. People say, why would I shame myself or should myself?
It does release chemicals inside me that it’ll be an attempt to numb out some pain or some reality.
And so I use these permission slips like, you asked me. Thank you, Joel. Let’s go to Taco Bell.
I wanna give myself permission in authenticity in these series coming up, we’re gonna talk about lying and even self deception and say, I don’t think it’s back.
Shocking statistics.
We do. And I can say, You know, thank you, and that doesn’t work for me. Or thank you.
I use this a lot truly on my relationships. Thank you, and I don’t have that to give.
Now listen to the ticking of the clock. I don’t need to say more.
I want to say that’s about me, and I don’t have to be a jerk.
We’ve said children explain adults inform. Thank you, and that doesn’t work for me. Just pay attention for a second.
Why you need to say more? Now if you’re free to say, but, hey, next week, let’s do that.
By the way, if you say to a friend, let’s get lunch and phones don’t come out immediately for you to schedule it.
It’s usually a little bit bogus.
I wanna keep giving myself permission at 8:61 for me as I get older to say, I have this to give and I have that not to give.
And I don’t have to explain it.
And then I also can worry, well, what are you gonna think about me?
At one level, you know, what you think about me is really not my business.
I don’t have to be mean about it, but I could say, I’d love for you.
I would to love to have your approval, but if not, then I grant you the ability to be disappointed with and by me.
I really I really love that.
And what’s insightful about that is what you both are describing is ordered responsibility through evaluation.
So we’re talking about self awareness. You know?
So how in the world are you and I going to be able to be, uh, to make right decisions about requests that come our way or about situations that are happening in our life.
I think when we’re unable to do that, that’s actually evidence of disordered responsibilities in our mind and our heart and in our being.
You know? And so theologically, the the idea of the heart that he wrote as slave.
And and we think, uh, disconnected. We think The heart is a motion.
The mind is intellect, and then the body is doing between the tension of these two things.
Well, the ancient Israelites don’t think in that way.
They’re thinking that the the lame, the heart is the wellspring of emotion, the wellspring of intellect.
It is the place where all of these aspects of what our humanity is is ordered.
It is, um, evaluated so that our actions do the right things.
And so in terms of self awareness, we have got to be able to figure out the right order of responsibility so that we can make informed decisions when it comes to it.
That’s so good, Joel. And I think having a response already prepared for situations that are gonna come up and I think that’s really helpful.
And, also, I need to be self aware enough that I don’t want that that answer to betray who I really am and how deeply I really do care in this relationship.
So my prepared statement that I came up with is While my heart says yes, yes, yes.
The reality of my time makes this a no.
That’s so beautiful. I’ve stolen. I borrow that. I’m not gonna
You’re welcome too.
From you because it’s so and it’s so grace filled.
I wanna honor that if you have I’ve used that from you. I don’t know what that’s so good.
Okay. So we’ve talked about, like, why do I do what I don’t wanna do in terms of I keep doing this.
Keep going to Taco Bell. I keep people pleasing. And so why don’t we turn it a little bit?
So why am I so tempted by this.
And that gets a little bit into your Taco Bell situation, but I wonder if it if we could go just a little further, not just I keep doing this and I should or could not do it, but what if it’s a temptation that really it needs to stop?
I think, uh, if I may speak to that first here, I think often just of simple operating systems where all, uh, used to that.
My iOS on my iPhone, I woke up this morning, and it had operated, uh, it had updated to the new system.
It does that quite regularly. If I’ve been in a PC kind of operating system in my own life, family of origin, etcetera, And then I come to Mac people.
Sometimes people say, you’re one of those Mac people. You’re a PC.
You’re a dinosaur or whatever, and there’s contempt over it in a very serious way.
Even though we joke about it.
And my operating system may be wiring and years of wiring and we get to our programs coming up on attachment.
Is that this just feels comfortable for me. We started off. We’ve talked about Aristotle’s quote.
We are what we repeatedly do.
So that idea is there is a comfort level of, I don’t know, I just like doing this.
There is a payoff, and I think there is a payoff.
There is a transition to say I’m moving out of a PC operating system to a Mac.
You gotta learn everything or an Android. We’re in that all day along with these phones and devices.
And there’s a learning curve. So part of that learning is to say, is there a different way in which I can operate?
And I don’t think it changes overnight. And at times when we go, is this really comfortable for me?
Is this congruent with me? Mhmm.
And what I’m there’s a whole systemic change in a lot of the say, I realize and and we’ve talked often about a 2 degree shift, just a 2 degree shift.
Not this big shift. I don’t want to operate this anymore. I think it’s good in my office.
We’re gonna look at what are possible payoffs that you get from doing what you Roman 7 straight away. Mhmm.
You know, not doing what you should, doing what you shouldn’t, and I start let’s just look, what are you getting out of it?
I get nothing out of Now that’s not true. Mhmm.
There is a payoff and then to say, you know, I think that’s what and usually, it’s gonna be medicating.
It just feels good. In a way, you and I are gonna replace a ball and and then go to Taco Bell.
And it just and watch the show together. We laugh.
And see, I would do that in your car at a New York minute. That’s gonna feel good with Yep.
We’re just hanging. We do enough deep work, viagra therapy work. Can we just chill for a moment? Mhmm.
So the payoff is neurochemically even It feels like joy. It feels like happiness.
I don’t need any with common sense, makes good sense, seek no other sense.
Is it the time to not think so deeply about that and say, we like it. Feels good.
Am I doing any harm now if you called and said, dude, bread is ticked.
Yeah. You
know, and that can happen. You know?
And I’m just informing you if I had made a whole Oh, here we go.
And you knew I’d made a whole homemade meal. Mhmm. And then you went through the Taco Bell. Mhmm.
And came home full from the Taco Bell?
No. No.
I ate the meal before. I ate the full homemade meal before because I need the energy to play ball.
We thought they would eat a full meal afterwards.
Go play basketball. I’m gonna play basketball.
You didn’t get anything on I thought you stopped every now and then afterwards. You never
That’s that’s after
Well, you’re stopping at Sonic and get it.
Just study days where titles every now and then.
This is true. This is true.
Because we often do study days at my house and you pass the McDonald’s on your
way home.
I am not stopping it to McDonald today.
That’s that’s a different.
And then Brit and I have timed it before. Yeah.
Oh,
wow. You a 100% have been stopping me.
100%. Now I Yes. That’s true. Uh, I think I think I’m gonna, like, gonna make a turn too.
We’re just really picking up.
I’m just doing the same. That’ll be good.
Um, but I do think, like, that question, Lisa, that you’re asking is so profound. It’s incredibly important.
Why do we keep doing it?
Yeah.
What so I think what’s happening is there’s something that is untrained and un surrendered inside of our heart that is compromising our our actions.
Right? So let’s turn to Mark chapter 10.
I think this is actually one of the most profound, um, examples in Jesus’s experience in his ministry life.
It’s Mark 10. Uh, and the subheading in my Bible, it just says the rich young ruler. Oh, yeah.
You probably know the story. Well, I’ll summarize it.
This, uh, rich young ruler which everything that we know about him seems to be a young, uh, Jewish man who really understands the law.
He understands his responsibilities Um, he has done all the right things.
The text actually tells us, and he goes to Jesus and he and says good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?
And that’s what Jesus says. Uh, here in verse 19, he goes, you know the commandment.
So in one sense, he’s looking at the man. He goes, listen, you you actually got this.
What I think Jesus is actually doing. Is elevating the man. I think he’s he’s saying, listen.
I’m gonna put you up in the best possible position. And notice he says, do you know the commandments?
Do not murder? Don’t commit a country, don’t steal, don’t bear false witness, don’t defraud, um, honor your father and mother, and the notice with the man young man says, he said, teacher, I have kept all of these from my youth.
In other words, Jesus, I’m betting a 100. Like, I’m I’m crushing it at this.
And I want us to pay attention to the human this is something Lisa that you’ve taught me so well.
Look at the humanity of Jesus. Jesus is a 100% divine. A 100% human. Notice the text and the language.
Looking at him, loving him. He loved him. So the context of what he’s gonna say is love.
He said to him, you lack one thing.
Go and sell all you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure.
And he gives him the payoff It’s only Jesus like do this and don’t
have There’s the ROI, right? They’re poor worst guy.
This is the massive payoff. You will have treasure in heaven and then even better.
You don’t have to do this alone. Then it then come follow me.
This is actually the exact same verbiage phraseology that Jesus uses of the disciples. Come follow me.
You know, come be with me. Verse 22 This is tragic, but he was dismayed by this demand.
And and he went away grieving why because he had many possessions
And Jesus wasn’t do you think just for a moment, I don’t hear him putting a demand out?
That’s the rich and rulers. Words, you’re demanding I think it’s an invitation.
It’s a bid to come follow me, but he his brain’s already flipped it and said, you’re demanding this.
And I understand Yeah. No.
And I think you’re exactly right, Jim.
And then what I think is so so amazing by the way Jesus frames it is Jesus is like, listen.
The young man’s like, I’ve done all of this for so long.
And this is if I were to paraphrase Jesus in the tone of what I think Jesus would say, this is how I think maybe a conversation would have gone with a young man.
He goes, listen, man. You’re crushing it. You’re 80% of the way there.
Look at how difficult all these things are, and you have done that since your youth.
And yet, and I think he looks at him lovingly in his eyes, and he says, and yet, there’s 20%.
There’s this there’s this part of your heart that is unsubmitted, that is given over to to me.
I want you to surrender it, and I want you to experience incredible joy.
I want you to experience uh, treasure in a way that you could never experience elsewhere, but it’s going to cost you something.
You gotta give up that 20%.
And and that young man looks at the at the layout and goes 80 20.
I’m a keep the 20. Why? Because that 20% was a hook.
That was hung on the human heart that was going to lead him down into a total pit of despair.
And And so this is like, why do I keep doing the things that I do?
I think what Jesus’s invitation for the rich young man is the invitation for us.
There could be, and and you guys have been such great friends with me, even the joking of the Taco Bell and this other stuff, there could be a unhealthiness to that.
It could be this 20%. And you could be like, Joel, are you trying to disconnect from your family?
Are you trying to disconnect from your responsibilities? Are you trying you know?
And if that’s the case, it’s like 20%.
That is what will absolutely lead you down a road of despair.
And I
think it’s really important that we’re able to value it and say, wait a minute.
Um, there’s some things that I that I do that it’s okay.
Like, they’re they’re they’re good for us, but there are other things that the enemy uses that are actually deceitful that are actually leading down a path of despair that we have to be careful of.
So what is that 20%?
And I think it’s also, like, where am I attaching my hope to.
Where am I attaching my joy to?
And I think a mistake that I sometimes make is there’s this pleasure in the world, or there’s this good thing in the world.
And I keep thinking if I could just have that good thing, then it’ll write all of my wrongs.
It’ll fill up all of my insecurities, it’ll just make me feel so settled like I’ve arrived. Right?
And it might for a bit.
And it might.
For a bit.
But the problem with that is I’m trying to write the script of my own life saying all of my hope is attached to this that may or may not be good for me, that may or may may not ever come to pass, that may or may not ever happen.
And if I attach my hope, my joy, you know, the the kind of the premise of my life, if I attach it to something that may or may not happen, I am never going to get peaceful.
I’m I’m never gonna feel peaceful. If, however, I learn I can attach my hope to god.
I can still wish for these things. I can still work toward these things.
Right.
But the foundation of my hope and where I get my joy I have to attach it to god and how I need to do that is by no longer trying to control outcomes.
And what I mean by that is in my mind, I will say if god is good, he will give me this outcome.
And then when god doesn’t give me that outcome, I start to question god’s goodness.
And if we question god’s goodness, then we’re not going to ever follow 100% after god.
Yeah.
And I don’t know what was really going on with the rich young ruler, but I would have to think He was like, what will give me the security that I really want?
Is it Jesus? Because I’m not sure. Is it my possessions that feels more certain?
Yeah.
So I’m gonna go after my possessions all the while.
He just didn’t realize that the very thing he was chasing after was the very thing that was gonna be eventually unstable.
It never stays the same if it’s a thing of this world. Only god stays the same.
And so he attached his security, his hope, his joy, to to something of this world that will change. So
I
think that’s how I sometimes process this.
You know, we’ve done a really good job today, just processing feelings, And I think that’s a really important conversation that we need to either have with a friend or a trusted mentor or If they if we don’t have someone like that, then we need to process even with our self and start asking ourselves questions and being honest about, like, Why do I do what I don’t wanna do and write it out on paper?
Yeah.
Because it’s gonna be crucial that we learn to process these emotions because, like, what you said, Jim, if we don’t work out what if we don’t work through what we’re walking through, then it’ll it’ll turn sideways.
It just will.
Sitting with a, uh, New York Times bestseller and a big author himself now and a future offer author.
Did you hear that? I mean, I said that. It’s coming. Yeah.
Uh, but seriously, journaling, like, I do this, and this is where I am faith to to write and to sit down and just take my internal world and put it out on a page.
The research would show, by the way, don’t do that on a keyboard. That’s another topic.
But to take a pen and write and say, what’s going on in my internal world right now?
What am I afraid of? What is it I wanna do if we can develop true ongoing self awareness to go.
Socrates said, right? Know thyself to say, And I’m telling you what surprised me coming out on the page.
I’m like, that’s in me. I think in self correction, it’ll save a lot of money in therapy. To go.
Mhmm. I think this is what I need to do. Then phone up a trusted friend and say, hey.
This came out of my journaling this morning. Mhmm.
What do you think someone says that sounds wacky or That sounds really good, but so much of that awareness is inside us.
We just got on to onboard it. We’ve got to get in touch with it. It’s right there.
And instead of beating ourselves up for what we feel like we’re not doing right right now, I love the statement you’ve often told me, Jim, we need to get curious, not furious.
So the exercise I would encourage you to do in your journal is spend some time thinking about what do I ultimately want.
Not what do I want right now?
That’s so good.
What do I ultimately want? And for me, I ultimately want peace I ultimately want security.
Mhmm.
And I ultimately want joy. Mhmm.
And so if those are the things that I ultimately want what do I need to address today that would be taking me away from the peace, the security the joy.
And honestly, what that question really is, what are the things about my life that are taking me away from the lord?
Yeah.
And that are that I’m I’m grabbing onto because I feel like it’s easier to drive through McDonald’s and get, you know, a pack of fries to comfort me.
Than it is to go home, open up my Bible, put on some praise songs, and get comfort from god.
But if my ultimate desire is peace, security, and joy, McDonald’s franchise are not gonna give me that.
Only the lord is gonna give me that.
High cholesterol.
It it will give you high cholesterol.
Another thing.
And talk about too.
Hey, by the way. Can I say something real quick on that? It’s right out of Hebrews 12.
This is no surprise to anyone at this table and probably not to our viewers and listeners.
Is there’s a race to run with endurance. So fix your eyes on Jesus. Let’s get after it.
But then you need to stop. It’s ready set stop, not ready set go in a race.
And that is to look down and identify 2 words as Joel knows so well in grief, uh, of of a sin that’s entangling me or a weight that I need to let go of.
So whatever this is, I hold these papers in my hands, Lisa or Joel.
I mean, I say, this is what I think I wanna do.
Maybe it’s come out of some journaling or conversation.
Look down issue some 3 by 5 cards or something or a salt and pepper shaker, literally at the table, and say, what is probably blocking me from self awareness.
Or if I have some awareness that I want to go do that, what’s blocking me? What are the hurdles?
It’s right in the rich young ruler passage. What might I have to give up or say, no.
Do you know the average person if they do that simply with some paper would be able to discover and say, yeah.
That’s probably gonna block me. Fear, fear of can I really do this?
And what will be the consequences that scarcity mentality? 34 sheets of paper and write out and say, okay.
Then that’s where you can go sit with a good friend I gotta work through these blocks or barriers.
I know I’m gonna have
to face these before I
do what I think I wanna do.
And I wanna just say the obvious. Some people might be wondering biblical?
Like, should we be caring about our emotions?
Like, I just wanna, like, maybe go back to Jesus in John chapter 11 with Lazarus, one of his dear friends that dies.
Like the shorts first in the Bible, but the most one of the most profound. Jesus Swepped. Jesus Swepped.
He had emotions. Jesus loves. And then it’s like, well, Should I be processing and how should I process all of this?
Well, another profound idea. Jesus in the garden of Gisemini is processing the deepest, most serious emotions that are leading him to the cross.
And I think it’s super important that we see the narrative structure of the story.
He takes the 3 closest disciples with him. And he says pray for me. He says pray for me. Right?
There’s a processing. There’s a relationship.
And then he goes into the deepest part of the garden, and he says, well, I’m gonna spend now time between me and god, the father.
To be in communication and to to really process through these things and the texts that Jesus was agree.
I mean, his emotion, this has scientifically proven, physiologically that the weight of stress that he endured actually burst the blood capillaries in the head, which literally literally made him sweat.
Blood. Like, that’s actually what’s happening. This is an expression of emotion.
And it’s really important that we know that the Bible does not reject emotions.
It does not ask us to be stoic robotic individuals.
But it also does not tell us or lead us to be, uh, driven by our emotions.
They do not like what you often say, Lisa, the emotions are our feelings are, um, are indicators.
Indicators, not dictators.
Yeah. And I think we see that model so profoundly in the life of Jesus.
And I think, you know, no matter what you identify in this processing time, if you’re able to identify it yourself, I think Jim, you’ve often said there’s more help available than you have problems, more help and hope.
And so there are therapies, support groups.
There are addiction support groups, you know, and there are, um, you’ve got probably people in your life, who have connections with other opportunities for help.
But if you’re having a hard time identifying some of these things, that’s why we have put together this series.
And in this series, we are going to, of course, today, we covered self awareness.
Why do I do what I don’t wanna do?
But in episode 2, we’re gonna cover what is really driving this behavior addressing our emotions.
In the 3rd episode, self deception. Why am I lying to myself? Episode episode 4 deceiving others.
Why am I lying to other people? Episode 5 attachment theory, which you brought up.
You know, what is my attachment style and how does that affect my life and my relationships And then in episode 6, we’re covering god attachment.
And of course, the resource that we have available for you in the show notes today What is it like to do life with me?
It’s an assessment that you can sit down with a trusted friend and really I think that friend could help point out some things in a loving way to make us more aware of them.
And it’s a gift It’s a gift they’re giving us because when they help us become more aware, we can then become more self aware.
So all of that in one episode. Thank you, Joel, for your Taco Bell mission.
Yeah.
And You don’t have Taco Bell shame at the end of too, because I am concerned.
No. We’re just getting curious, not furious. Right?
We’re practicing what we
teach you. It’s a good exploration of the the desire Like, why do I do this thing? We know.
Um, so, yeah, now it’s been so helpful.
And we wanna acknowledge those struggles but we don’t wanna be wooed.
That’s a lot. Mhmm.
So thank you for your brilliant theology.
As always, Jim, thank you for your therapy, and thank you for listening today.
Enjoy to have you with us.