Lysa TerKeurst: Trusting God in Seasons of Deep Betrayal and Pain

Lysa TerKeurst brings her vulnerability to Praise on TBN as she shares her journey of hope in Christ as she experienced infidelity in her marriage with her first husband. Join us as we explore the transformative power of faith and God’s love in overcoming life’s challenges. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe for more inspiring content! *Originally aired on 12/3/2018

And when I felt like god could fix this, and yet he was choosing not to. That’s hard.
You see, we serve a really good god.
Yeah.
But we also serve a really good god who does allow hurt.
And that’s at that point where our feelings and our faith come in conflict sometimes.
Right. One of the things I love about you is that you’ve thrown really your life into your passion, which is writing books, helping people, serving people, and I love that about you.
I’m so thankful for your life and your ministry.
Thank you. Well, this book, it’s not supposed to be this way, is not a book I ever wanted to write because it’s not a message I ever wanted to live.
And so this really isn’t for me just another book and a long string of books.
It it it’s not just that the message that came out because I liked to write. You know? Right.
Um, it was birthed from the deepest place of my heart.
I I feel like this book really is my heart spilled out onto the pages of, um, what I hope will be a, uh, turning point of hope in someone’s life.
Because the reality is we all go through disappointments, And and they’re varying degrees.
And this book really runs the gamut of disappointment all the way to complete disillusionment And what do we do?
What do we do when we love the lord?
And we know we’re supposed to be happy, be joyful, um, you know, pick up pick ourselves up and trust in god and sing the songs and wrap our arms around each other as we sing Kumbaya.
We know all of that. Right.
And I do believe, as Christians, we’re supposed to sing the praise songs, be joyful, sing Kumbaya, all of the stuff.
Right? But I also think there’s a healthy place to process the disappointments that we all are walking through.
So I prayed this message is a safe place for us to process those.
And obviously, we’re talking about the book.
It’s not supposed to be this this way.
And, uh, which, by the way, I just told you a minute ago, but I love the cover. Thanks.
You always have the best titles and the best covers.
But I wanna and and by the way, if you wanna pick up this book, just right there, underneath where I’m pointing, uh, dial in that number, and we’d love to make sure you get a copy of this amazing book.
But I wanna talk tell me about the story of this book. It’s not supposed to be this way.
How did you come to write this one?
Well, all of my books start with an experience that I have.
Um, and usually, it’s something that I’ve already experience I’ve walked through.
And then the lord has taught me a bunch of lessons.
So usually my books are me reflecting back about the experiences I’ve had, the lessons I’ve learned, what god’s taught me, because I feel like that’ll help other people.
Um, this book was different. This book was written in the messy middle place.
As a matter of fact, when I first started writing this book, I didn’t know how my story was gonna turn out.
Um, some pretty big things happened in the writing of this book. And so it is in real time.
So as people are reading this at the beginning of the book, you don’t know of a certain medical diagnosis that I’m gonna get.
Well, I didn’t either. Wow. And so as the pages unfold, it really is my real time journey with god.
And when I talk about laying in bed in the middle of the night at 2 AM, weeping, feeling like I can’t quite grasp how to survive this.
And my prayers were reduced to Jesus. I love you and you love me.
And I would say it over and over and over. Wow.
Like, when you’re in that place and you’re writing from that place, um, the reader will be invited in to the reality of how hard life can be sometimes.
Right.
And I don’t think anybody will be able to say with this book.
Well, Lisa could never possibly understand the depth of pain that I’m walking through, because I think with this book, I invite the reader into my messy middle.
And, um, but always, always pointing to the hope that we have, even in that middle place, the hope that we have in Jesus.
So this was the hardest book to write because It was the hardest message to live.
Wow. And so you’re writing this.
And was there as as you’re developing, you know, chapter by chapter, Are you surprised with what came out of you?
You you are you discovering new layered? Like you said, you’ve never experienced this before. The the depth of pain.
But but but then again, when you go through things like this, the the depth of hope and Jesus being revealed in your life, talk to me about what it was like to go to that dark place and find light in that dark, so to speak.
Well, part of the book, talks about a situation that I was walking through with my husband, art.
And, um, in February of 2016, I found out that, um, he was having an affair, and it rocked me to my corps.
I I I really honestly can’t even still now to this day.
I can’t even put into words what what level of shock I was walking through.
So, um, I remember part of the journey that I had to go through uh, without knowing whether we were gonna reconcile or not, I I needed to pursue redemption, and I think that’s an important point for people to understand is that redemption and reconciliation don’t have to hold hands.
So reconciliation depends on another person being repentant and making choice that lead to a reconciliation.
And that’s what can be so frustrating when you’re in the messy middle place of saying it’s not supposed to be this way, but how do I get out of it?
You know, it can feel like the only way to rec the only way to redemption with god is reconciliation.
That’s not true. You can have absolute redemption with god.
You can pursue redemption with god even if the reconciliation never happens. That’s one choice away.
That’s just saying god, you are a redeemer, and I need you to to redeem me in the middle of this.
And so, um, I remember I was suing that redemption with god.
And part of that was to write an impact letter to forgive my husband for what had happened.
And, um, with forgiveness, it’s hard because there’s layers to forgiveness. As Christians, we know we’re supposed to forgive.
But, uh, for me, I could forgive the facts of what happened. That was the easier part of forgiveness.
What was harder is for giving the impact that all of that had on
me. Sure.
I never struggled with anxiety. And now all of a sudden, I’m in a situation that I am more anxious than ever before.
So I was writing this impact letter, and I remember I wrote down, um, I haven’t just been broken into pieces.
I have been shattered. And, you know, when when broken this happens, there’s a wonderful Christian picture that we have in our brain of, like, picking up the broken pieces, gluing them back together, and god’s light can shine through that brokenness and Yay, you know, sing a praise song
and cue
cue the the, like, tick or take parade. Right? Sure.
Sure. Sure.
But that wasn’t my story. I looked around it. I didn’t see broken pieces to glue back together.
I saw nothing but dust. I was that shattered.
So I’m writing this letter, and all of a sudden, I remembered Genesis in Genesis too that god, of all the ingredients in the world, he had access to everything, he chose dust to use to make his favorite creation mankind.
And so he picks up the dust and he breathes into it.
And so the letter, the impact letter took a dramatic turn, and instead of me ending with how shattered I was, I ended with saying dust doesn’t signify an end.
With god, dust is often what must be present for a new to begin. Wow.
And I remember those are the kind of moments that I had, and that’s what’s recorded in this book.
It’s it’s it’s the depth of pain, but also the magnitude of the presence of god to literally take my pen and write a redemptive message and to show me how to pursue redemption and and a redeeming quality in the midst of a story that was so brutally difficult.
Wow. I always feel like, you know, when you face something like and by the way, thank you for sharing your story.
I feel like it’s it’s gonna help so many people who have faced such similar circumstance.
We all face pain, but in particular, this this subject, when you face something like this, how how had you led your life up to preparing your faith, your emotional stability?
You’re facing the brokenness, but the fact that you can even go to Genesis too, how had you prepared your life?
Not that you’re preparing your life. You know, this could happen.
But what what were things you had done that you look at the book now and you look at your life now and where you’re at and you go, thank god, that I made a few decisions years before that allowed me to go through this and see redemption and see god in this.
Mhmm.
Well, I don’t wanna make it seem like you know, I had some kind of perfect preparation for what I was walking through, but I will say this Um, the lord has been very tender to prompt me to do things or to read something or to pray through something, um, today because I get this sense that he’s preparing me for something for tomorrow.
You know? So I always read god’s word anticipating he’s preparing me right now for something he sees coming.
Um, but in January 20 teen, I really felt stirred to do 21 days of prayer and fasting.
My daughter was about to marry a pastor, And, um, and this was that daughter, you know, that could have gone either way, like, Polk or prison.
Yeah.
It was a toss-up. Right? And so, um, I was so excited she was marrying a preacher.
I really was so excited. You have no idea.
We believe in miracles.
That’s right. And so, um, his church was going through 21 days of prayer and fasting. Wow.
His dad is Pastor Chris Hodges Right. Church of the Highlands.
And so I decided to stream online, uh, every morning their service, their prayer service, and join them with prayer and fasting.
I was really into the prayer part. The fasting part difficult. Right.
Because I was like, how do I pursue god more when I’m hangry for 21 days?
You know, this is gonna be
Things don’t work together. Yeah.
But in in I just really felt this heaviness. Like, you are supposed to do this, Lisa.
So I did 21 days, and I never got the big breakthrough with god that I kind of anticipating.
Um, but then the lord, uh, really clearly that morning just spoke to my heart and said 7 more days.
And I was like, no, god. You don’t understand. Even the pastor stops at 21 days.
Right? Right. Right.
It’s like, I can’t possibly do 28 days of breaking the rules.
But he said, I want you to do 7 more days and pray about nothing but your marriage.
And so I prayed for 7 more days and faster 7 more days of, um, just really just seeking the lord for my marriage.
And, um, on day 28, I pulled out my journal.
And as I was writing, the lord just really was speaking to my heart in a deep place and said, Lisa, I’m about to tell you what’s, uh, what’s been going on.
You’re gonna find out soon, but I need you to make me 2 promises I need you to, number 1, trust my timing.
And number 2, I need you to promise me you’re gonna love your husband.
Wow.
And I was like, absolutely. Whatever it is, lord, like, I will absolutely trust your timing, and I will uh, love my husband and see how tender it was that he was preparing me then to make a decision because it completely changed the way I reacted about 3 weeks later when I found out about the affair.
Wow. I always had this crazy notion of how chaotic if something horrible like that ever happened, how chaotic I would be.
Um, but the lord had already prepared my heart for a completely different reaction.
I was able to look at my husband, and I was able to say, this isn’t who you are.
I mean, in that moment of complete and utter devastation
Wow.
The lord had done something in my heart to allow me to say words to him that were life giving and more important, um, than I ever knew.
I never knew how important that was.
Wow. It’s beautiful. Lisa Turkers. Lisa, thank you so much for joining us again.
And you we we just, uh, were talking about how, uh, 28 days of parent fasting. My god.
Now it wasn’t a complete fast. I do think I have to be completely
Okay. Right? You’re helping me now. Okay.
Yes. Yes. It was not a complete fast. But it was enough where I thought about food a lot.
And so then I would turn those thoughts into prayers.
Immediately, when you say 28 days, I think of flee.
I don’t know why, but I just go there in my mind. But 28 days and and god prepared you.
Yes. And I remember when, you know, when all of this happened, I remember calling you and you told me about the lord had prepared you and and and told you those 2 things.
So talk to me, you know, you’ve you find out you discover.
And you’ve been with your husband for how long?
A long time. I mean, I’ve been with him longer than I was without him.
So, like, my whole adult life.
Right. And so this this is revealed. And and you’re feeling things you’ve never felt before. Yep.
Even though you’re prepared, it doesn’t take away the emotion.
That’s right. And the preparation help me have that initial response of this isn’t who you are.
Um, but then, uh, I I I crawled in my bed and and wept like I’ve never wept before.
Wow.
And I I felt as if the world was caving in on me.
I mean, not just not just my circumstances, but I really felt like my future You know, sometimes we feel like the world’s caving in on us because the present circumstance is pressing really hard, but we know in a week, a month, a year, It’s gonna be better.
Right? This this was not bad. This was my entire future.
I I felt like in that moment, I was gonna lose my my marriage.
I was gonna lose the legacy that art
and
I had built with my kids.
I I had so much emotional turmoil that I remember I went to my counselor, and my counselor just read this book And, um, he said to me, Lisa, your body is gonna keep the score.
You’ve got to learn how to process this emotion.
And if you don’t, it it’s gonna harm you physically as well as emotionally.
Um, and I wanted to. I just didn’t know how. I was hurting so deeply.
I kept telling my friends, I feel like my body inside my insides are just twisted up in a knot.
And, And little did I know that that’s exactly what was physically happening on an emotional sense, but also on a physical sense too?
Because a couple of months into this journey, um, I woke up one morning. I stepped out of bed.
I was in so much physical pain. I couldn’t process what was happening to me. I collapsed beside my bed.
My family rushed me to the hospital, and I was in excruciating pain So they admitted me to the hospital because of the pain, and they started running tests, and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
And I laid in that hospital bed, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday morning, in more pain than than what I could even express.
And I remember the doctors kept saying we can’t figure it out, and I kept saying, I know something’s terribly wrong with me.
And then Friday morning, a surgeon came in to the room.
And he said, Lisa, I ran one last test and we finally figured out what’s happened.
The right side of your colon has ripped away from the abdominal wall It is wrapped around the left side, and it’s cut the blood flow off inside of you.
And we’ve gotta rush you into emergency surgery.
Yes.
And he said, and by the way, I know you’ve been praying for god to take away that pain, but I thank god that he didn’t answer that prayer because had he taken away the pain?
We would have sent you home and your colon would have ruptured, and you would have you would have died.
And I remember as they were wheeling me back into surgery, I was having all kinds of chaotic thoughts about my situation, but the one thing that brought me so much peace is God was not a far removed god in my physical pain.
I believe it probably took every bit of holy restraint for god not to answer my prayer.
Wow.
Because he loved me that much, because god loves us too much to answer our prayers at any other times in the right time.
And in any other way than the right way.
And that’s true in a physical sense, but it’s also true in emotional sense, too.
Yeah.
So god taught me a lot about pain in the season.
Sweet. So here here you go.
You face this emotional pain and this physical pain Do do you ever go to a dark place mentally?
Oh, the all the all the scriptures, you know, I I I ask you that with with a lot of respect.
You’ve written how many books you’re a New York Times bestseller, uh, millions of people being ministered to through Proverbs 31.
I mean, from a distance from the outside you are, you’ve got it all together. I’ve been to your home.
Your home is immaculate. It it it it, you know, it’s
Not today.
I’m but but there’s no food there because of the whole fasting thing, but but I but I enjoy going there.
But, But but did did you ever go to a dark place?
Of course, I did. Of course, I
Talk to me about that because I I need to know.
It will it will help me personally just knowing that you also because I think some people look at something like you with so much success, so much going for you, and Talk to me.
What does that look like for you?
To me, it was god’s promises seemed doubtful. His lack of intervention hurtful.
Mhmm.
And his timing questionable.
Wow.
And that those were the moments where I was like, you know, god, I feel like somehow I have fallen through the cracks of your good plan.
And I think a lot of people feel that way. Absolutely. I I think I think it’s hard.
I think those 3 things, you know, when his promises seem to apply that everyone else around you.
Know, when they’re walking in the blessing of a promise, and you’re just in the process of a promise.
Right. It feels unfair.
Right.
And when his timing is so difficult, you know, 2016 was a year of extreme highs and extreme lows.
I mean, here I was walking through the most devastating situation with my husband, and 3 of my 5 kids got married in 2016.
Jeez.
You know, so that that when god said you need to trust my timing, like, that was a really hard it was easy in the moment praying and fasting, like,
you’re
not gonna trust your timing until I knew what that really meant.
Right.
Right? And sitting in all those wedding ceremonies, and not telling my kids what we were going through because I didn’t wanna ruin their special day, so carrying it inside.
Yes. You know, it was, yeah, of course, I had the darkest moments of my life.
Wow.
And and when I felt like god could fix this, and yet he was choosing not to. That’s hard.
You see, we serve a really good god.
Yeah.
But we also serve a really good god who does allow hurt.
And that’s at that point where our feelings and our faith come in conflict sometimes.
Right.
And that’s those dark moments of the soul where I don’t I don’t have a quick easy answer for you, Chad.
What what I can say, it’s in those moments where I felt my fate slipping that I had to call my friends and say, help me stand on your faith
Yes.
Today. And you you were one of those friends.
We had we had a conversation in the midst of some of my darkest times and you know, I am thankful.
I’m thankful that, um, that I picked up the phone. Yeah.
And I’m thankful that I had other people who could speak life back into me in those moments, but you know, some some moments, you’re gonna feel like the victory is possible.
In some moments, you’re gonna feel like a victim of your dances, and you’re not sure which way this whole thing’s gonna turn out.
I I I love what you’re saying because I always feel like that proverb is so true.
A man that isolates himself, seeks his own desire and rages against all wisdom.
So but most of us, when we get into a dark place, We wanna hide. We wanna stay in bed.
We don’t wanna talk to anybody, but I love that you were smart enough to go.
I’m I’m gonna get around people. I’m gonna pick up the phone.
But let me say I did not want to do this. Sure. Let me tell you.
Like, I can isolate with the best of them. You know? Let me tell you my moment’s isolation.
I am not fasting. I’m eating whatever I wanna eat in those moments. Okay?
Right.
So but I did I did this thing, and it was so outside of my comfort zone.
And so not what I wanted to do, but I made myself go on a pilgrimage of visiting people who I knew I could I could stand on their fate, even if it was just for a couple of days.
I remember I called my friend Shelley Giglio. I went and stayed at her house for a couple of days.
I called my friend Colette, went and stayed at her house Wow. For a week, and then another week.
And then it may have been a 3rd week. I I went and visited friends in Nash Bill.
And when I couldn’t go visit people, I picked up the phone, and I called him.
None of those things felt comfortable, but I was blessed every single time.
Wow.
It was like the lord had little gifts for me tucked inside those people waiting.
I just had to take that step and make the connection.
I love that. And, you know, talk to me about, um, and I’m sure that you touch on it in the book, which I can’t wait to read everyone gonna read?
Can I get it Amen? Everyone’s gonna read? Yeah. Okay.
I just wanna I just want I’m just checking to make sure they’re they’re reading the book.
But At what point and and maybe we, you know, we’re gonna go we’re gonna go to a video here in a second, but talk to me about at what point do you start to feel like I’m gonna get through this.
Someone said to me recently, people aren’t afraid of failure. They’re afraid of the identity of failure.
Most of us when you get to a dark place, we think my legacy is ruined, my my fam, everything I’ve built, When did you start to go?
I can sense I might just get through this thing.
Okay. Well, there’s a moment I talk about in the book.
Yeah.
And, uh, I I the lord was saying, Lisa, I I’ve I’ve really want you to conquer fear, but fear and anxiety, those things had gripped me in this season, like, worse than what I can ever tell you.
I mean, when you’re waking up for 20 years in your life and your husband’s right beside you.
And all of a sudden, he’s not beside you.
And you wake up at 2 AM and you reach across the and he’s not there.
And you’re reminded all over again about just the gravity of heartache in your life, you know, it’s it’s painful.
Sure. And fear and anxiety started to grip me.
And so one day I woke up and I just felt like you’ve got to do one thing to conquer this.
And you you can’t really, like, say, I’m gonna conquer fear today. Right?
So I decided to drive to Target and buy a two piece bathing suit, which I have to say does not line up with my biology or my theology.
You very much. But I knew I was afraid of that, and I knew I could do it today.
So I drove. I got this two piece bathing suit from Target.
I’m as I was driving home, I ripped the tags off so I couldn’t return it.
I went in my bedroom. I put this bathing suit on And then I had a crisis because it wasn’t putting the bathing suit on that I was so afraid of.
It was turning toward the mirror and facing myself. Mhmm.
And my scar from my surgery and just the reality that in Genesis 225, one of my favorite verses, it says that Adam and Eve stood there naked and unashamed.
And the reason Adam and Eve could stand there naked and unashamed is because they had no other opinion to contend with but the absolute love of god himself.
And that was my day to say, Lisa, Are you gonna be able to silence all the other voices?
It it wasn’t god’s voice that didn’t want me to turn toward the mirror. It wasn’t even my own voice.
It was all the voices of rejection, all the voices of heartache, all the voices feeding that anxiety in me.
That I cannot stand here naked and unashamed.
Wow.
And I remember fighting those voices 1 by 1.
I would ask the lord bring to mind those voices of rejection.
You see rejection steals the best of who we are by reinforcing the worst that’s been said to us.
And so I let the lord address every single voice of rejection.
And finally, after all of them had been addressed, I turned and I faced the mirror. Wow.
And I stood there. Not completely naked. Okay. But in my two bathing suits.
And then
I felt so empowered. I thought, well, I’m just gonna go sit by the pool. Jesus take the wheel.
He did. And I did not walk outside.
It was just a moment between me and the lord.
I packed up that two piece bathing suit and called it my fear lesson, and I haven’t put it on since.
But it was quite a moment.
Well, you’re you’re a hero that for you to be able to do that, and to silence those voices and let the lord.
It’s one thing for us to think, I’m gonna silence these critics, but for you to let the lord and the Holy Spirit do you are a hero.
You said a a a a really strong word that jumped out.
And that’s the word rejection. Okay.
And here you are, you’re facing rejection from the one that you should have the most acceptance with your spouse.
And you’re going through this, I mean, we all face rejection, but not not at this rate at this level.
How did you sort that? How did you get your identity and your security, your confidence back?
I think I’m still working on that.
Uh, you know, what’s really complicated is I wrote a book, um, uninvited in 2015, that, um, was coming out in 2016.
And so right after I found out uh, what was going on in my marriage, uh, that was in February of 2016.
In March of 2016, my, um, rough draft pages from the book, uh, uninvited, came to me.
And I remember just weeping and asking god, why would you have me write a book on rejection And now I’m gonna have to talk about this book that I’ve written on rejection.
Jeez.
And now I’m gonna be walking through the worst rejection of my life.
Like, why would you allow me to do that?
And I I felt like the lord was just stirring in my heart. He wasn’t doing this to me.
He was doing this for me.
Wow.
You know, he had me write the book last year that I would need this year so desperately.
I mean, he had me studying rejection and the biblical response to rejection, and god’s tenderness to us in our rejection, and his compassion for the rejected He had me studying that for 2 years.
And so he he wasn’t doing this to me. He was entrusting me with this.
Wow.
And, um, and I I just remember spreading those pages out weeping weeping over the words that god had given me.
And now that person I pictured that I was writing the book for, it was me. It was me.
And so even in that, the lord was so tender and so good But I think rejection is so hard because in human relationships, we don’t know what to do when someone’s been rejected.
If someone dies, we know how to rally around the left behind Right. When someone dies. Right?
We know how to have a marked moment We know how to celebrate what was and then help that person in grief walk toward what will be.
But with rejection, There is no marked moment. There is no celebration of what was.
There’s just a shattering of what you thought would be.
And it’s it’s just so impossibly hard because that other person is still living and breathing.
And And what is the hardest, I think, is when someone dies, at least you know that they didn’t wanna go away, and you didn’t want them to go away.
But in rejection, that other person may actually be happy to have walked away.
Right.
And that’s what’s so hard.
Sure.
And and then How do you pick up the pieces and move on when the future you had planned no longer applies?
Cause that person’s not there. It’s a it’s a deep grief.
It’s a complicated grief, and it’s something that, um, I think I’m still processing.
Absolutely. So you face rejection and, uh, you go through physical pain and, you know, I love the pilgrimage That’s so great that you’ll see these friends.
But then you go back home and there’s still nobody laying next to your bed.
That’s right. And to compound that, you know, I went from having a very busy home life.
And when we raised 5 kids, well, the last kid left home.
And so now I’m facing literally an empty nest. And so it was just It was so hard.
I don’t like being alone. I mean, I really don’t like being alone. I like having my alone time.
Right.
But I like for some other human to be in the vicinity that if I scream, they will come and help
me. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.
So this was a whole another level
Wow.
Of of lonely and of, um, being with the lord in utter quiet time.
You know, um, I don’t think you could have chosen a better title because as you’re telling the story, I am thinking for your life, this is not supposed to go this way.
This shouldn’t happen to you. Maybe one, um, you know, physical pain, and you have a surgery, but talk to me about when it feel, you know, the old saying when it rains, it pours.
How did you continue to Read the Bible. Did you do that?
Um, go to church, um, be around commune.
How did you continue to go do the things that you knew you sup even though I don’t want to do this stuff, I’m gonna do some of these things because I know it’s gonna eventually bring some health and bring some life.
What were some of those things besides the pilgrimage you did?
And how did that start to massage some life back into you? You’re in the empty nest, nobody’s there.
Quiet times, the ice creams in the freezer.
How do you how do you sort out of that I’m I’m just amazed that you’re here right now with a book out of your pain.
Talk to me. What did you do besides the Hookerman?
Uh, well, I filled my home with praise music. That was really important.
I had someone come over and help me figure out the technology side of playing music these days is ridiculous.
Like, when I was growing up, we put a cassette tape in. Right? It was not complicated. Right.
How is, like, from your phone to the wireless speaker to the this, the that?
You know, it was all kinda complicated.
But, um, I had someone come over and, um, I knew I had to feel the quietness with something.
Right.
Because every void demands to be filled. It’s our choice what we fill it with. Mhmm.
And so I listen to so many sermons I mean, I even had a TV installed where my bathtub was.
And someone said, that’s weird. You’re like watching preachers as you’re in the bath. I’m like, they can’t see me?
Alright. It’s not a problem. I’m telling you, I filled my face up with truth.
And then there were days that the space was filled with tears.
Sure.
And I I didn’t I didn’t wanna go to church sometimes, and I I didn’t want to call a friend.
You know, it’s a messy process. I mean, we’re we’re human.
Sure.
You know? But one thing as I as I was reading the Bible, I asked the lord to give me some spiritual orientation with the Bible.
And do you know the first two chapters of the Bible deal with the perfection of the way god designed things to be.
That that it it perfection when he created this world in Genesis 1 and 2, we get to see the beauty of how it was supposed to be.
And then the last two chapters of the Bible, Revelation 2122, perfection returns.
Wow.
Garden of Eden returns. There will be no more death, no more crying, no more tears. Right?
But all those chapters between the first two And the last 2, there is no perfection. Right.
And I had to make peace with that reality.
Because I think I expected a perfection on this side of eternity that is not possible besides my relationship with god.
But you know what? Walking through this journey, I am so thankful that lesser loves can never satisfy me.
I’m so thankful that lesser loves will always disappoint us because my heart now knows where to turn to to get that deep satisfaction.
And the gift that that’s given me is tremendous because I can now look at you as a human and not expect a perfection from you that would crush us in the weight of a relationship.
I can look at my husband now. And I cannot expect perfection from him.
No husband was ever supposed to be or carry the weight of trying to be my god.
Right.
Right? Only god is supposed to do that. And so, you know, I learned a lot.
I filled that void with an atmosphere of learning, and I needed to learn some things.
Absolutely. Well, I think, you know, the void, most of us fall into the temptation of filling it with things that are immediate substance, uh, relationship, And if you can and and it’s a big if, if you can bring yourself to filling it with healthy things, you know, as you were talking and I was thinking of that scripture, faith comes from hearing and hearing from the word of god, whether it’s a bathtub or in the living room when you figure out the speaker or in your car, I know for me, when I faced the hardest times in my life, I felt the most tempted Yep.
To fill it with the wrong things. Did you sense some of that polling?
Absolutely. Because we don’t we don’t like to feel pain. We are conditioned to numb the pain.
Like, if we have a headache, we take Advil. Right?
I mean, if we’re hurting, we go to the doctor and say take away the pain. Yeah. Right?
If, um, emotionally, we’re hurting. You know, we want a quick fix for that.
So for me, there were lots of of opportunities for me to numb the pain, for sure, but I also knew that to stay in a place of just numbing the pain would never would know I would never deal with the pain.
And if I never dealt with the pain, then I could never heal from the pain.
The only way to get to healing is get to the dealing. Right? So you gotta Say
it again for the people in the back. Hold on. You can’t just drop she drops these bars.
Like, it’s nothing. And just and I don’t wanna take my phone to write it down, but I don’t they won’t let me on my phone up here.
Say to get my god. I would say that one more time.
Well, the only way to get to the healing is to get to the dealing.
Like, you gotta deal with the pain.
If you’re ever gonna heal the pain, And dealing with it is no fun. Trust me.
And numbing it seems like the better choice at the time. Right.
And there’s no shortage of things to numb our pain with. Right?
There, you know, we we have a 1,000,000 distractions
that are
eager to help us. But those distractions will never never help us in the long term.
It’s so true. You can
only give us some relief in the short term.
So true. I wanna, uh, couple things I wanna talk about.
We’re getting to the end, which I wish we could do this for another hour, to be honest.
Talk to me about, uh, breast cancer.
Talk to me about, you know, maybe some people are watching and going, okay.
I maybe those 2, you know, she sorted that, but it just kinda kept going for a while.
Yeah.
Talk to me about that.
So in June of 2017, um, I thought Art and I were about to reconcile and that things were really turning around.
And then the bottom fell out of our world again. Um, and some things cycled back into his life.
That, um, I remember I wrote a blog finally telling the world what we are walking through because at that point, it was either gonna be shared with the rumor mill or I was gonna get in front of it and share it with truth.
And so, um, I was devastated to write that I’d said to my husband, I can love you, and I can forgive you, but I will not share you.
And, um, so that was in June. And, um, at that point, I decided take a sabbatical.
So, um, I spent a good long season of quiet and, um, and trying to get my bearings once again from just my world being turned upside down again.
And so I made a bunch of appointments, um, because I don’t sit still really well.
And so, um, I just wanted to go through all the appointments you’re supposed to do that I never have time to do when I’m in busy, ministry life, and everything.
So one of those was to go get a mammogram and it wasn’t time for me to get a mammogram, but, um, and I’ve had so many clear tests that I didn’t really feel like it was necessary, but I thought it’s on the list.
I should check it off, and that way I won’t have to go next year.
Right.
And, um, little did I know that I would get a callback?
And, um, for another appointment, and then I would get another callback. And then they requested a biopsy.
And then there was a day that I sat in a very pink office and a pink chair and watch the doctors attach the word cancer to my life.
And I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
And, um, in kind of a crazy way, um, art was determined.
He was gonna walk through this with me. And, um, so he was sitting right there.
And I remember I pulled up a a chair that was empty, so it was art, myself, and the doctor, and I pulled up one more chair, um, because I thought I’m not doing this without you, Jesus.
And So I just had to see that he was there too.
Wow.
And then we got in the car, and I thought, what do you do?
After you get the news of breast cancer, like, how do you Good. How do you do this?
And I remember telling the lord, like, this is too much.
There’s a lot of people praying for me, and they’re gonna be really mad that this is part of this story now too.
Like, I’m gonna go home and write in my book about me and now having breast cancer. You know?
Hey, God. They’re gonna be mad at you.
They’re gonna be so mad at you.
But, you know, again, I mean, it’s god didn’t do this to me. He didn’t.
This isn’t the way that he designed the world to be.
People are not supposed to get cancer or their husband have an affair.
I mean, this isn’t what he designed this world to be send it that to this world. Mhmm.
Sin broke god’s original design.
Wow.
And so in between the first two chapters of Genesis and the last two chapters of Revelation, That’s god’s love letter to us to say, I understand.
God sees you, my friend. He sees you. He knows exactly what you’re facing.
That’s right.
He knows the depth of hurt and pain that you’re walking through As a matter of fact, some of my favorite verses are in mark chapter 14.
There are no words of Jesus I relate to more than when he’s in the garden of Yosemite, and he cries out to his father.
My soul is overwhelmed with SARS to the point of death. God, everything is possible for you.
Take this from That’s what Jesus says to his father. And so he knows.
He knows what it feels like to be walking through something that that you feel like this is gonna kill me.
God changed the plan. I don’t want this to be my story, and maybe you’re there right now, my friend.
I understand, but even more importantly, Jesus understands.
And then Jesus turns it around by uttering these 9 earth shaking hell shattering, demon quaking words.
Of trusting god, and he says, yet, not what I will, but what you will.
And that’s the place I had to get to in this whole journey.
I had to say, god, I guess, if I knew what you know, Maybe I could be brave enough to choose what you’ve chosen.
Wow. But since I don’t know what you know, Mhmm. I better stay real close to you.
Yes.
So that you can reveal good to me, that you’ve promised, you’ve promised good will come.
Beautiful.
And I don’t see it, and I don’t like the way it looks right now.
Right.
But somehow in the heavenly realms, you are shifting and arranging a good that I would choose if only I could have been brave enough to do it.
Look in the camera, and there’s people out there that maybe haven’t faced the exact same thing, But they’re feeling some of the things that you felt.
They’re facing some of those giants that seem like they can’t defeat them the themselves.
Can you encourage him, talk to him, maybe pray with him?
Absolutely. Friend, I just wanna speak deep into your heart right now, that it will take just as much energy for you to be bitter about your circumstances as it will to ask the lord to help you walk out this next season, trusting him And so I wanna pray right now.
I wanna pray that the lord touches the deepest places of your heart.
Those places that are desperate for answers answers that may not come today, they may not come tomorrow, they may not ever come.
But you can trust the one who holds every answer, and his answer is good.
Oh god, I pray right now that you would touch my brother.
My sister, whether their circumstances are the same as mine or whether they’re different, but the emotional deep hurt and pain that lingers on and on is there.
Help us believe that hope is right there for us. God give us relief from our unbelief.
Help us to trust you. And god be with us. Help us.
Let us catch one glimpse. Just one glimpse of evidence that you are here with us.
I don’t know what it will be, lord, but if we can just catch a glimpse just like when the woman with the issue of blood just reached out and barely touched the hem of your rope.
It just is a slight touch, a slight glimpse. That’s what we need god.
We let us see you, evidence of you being there with us and for us, and it will be enough.
We love you, lord. We trust you.
And just like I prayed so many nights when I was so alone, Jesus, I love you.
And you love me, and that’s enough. I know.