Therapy & Theology: The Part Emotional Abuse Plays in Silencing Women

Welcome to Therapy and Theology. I’m Lisa Turkhurst, and with me are Dr. Joel Mudumale and licensed professional counselor Jim Cress. We’re currently working on a series called Let’s Stop Avoiding This Conversation: Six Topics Women Have Big Questions About. In the first episode, we discussed why everyone loses when a woman is devalued. In this crucial episode, we focus on the role emotional abuse plays in silencing women. Specifically, we’ll focus on the silencing of women, but first, it’s important to note that there are two types of silencing women, which we’ll cover in separate episodes. This episode will focus on personal silencing, while the next episode will address public silencing.

Let’s begin by defining emotional abuse. If you have notes, I encourage you to highlight the word “pattern.” Emotional abuse isn’t a one-time incident or an isolated event caused by temporary emotional distress. It’s a repeated pattern of behavior. According to Psychology Today, emotional abuse involves a consistent pattern of behavior where the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and instills fear in the victim to control them. Over time, the victim’s reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse, believing it reflects their own failings.

A key concept here is internalization, which means the victim takes the abuser’s harmful words and starts to believe them. Joel, Jim, feel free to jump in anytime with your thoughts. Joel, I know you’ve discussed before how we become what we repeatedly do and think. This internalization becomes automatic and can lead us to believe lies we’ve internalized over time.

Another important point is that many people hesitate to call emotional abuse what it truly is. It’s much easier to label physical abuse because it’s visible and tangible. But emotional abuse is harder to recognize and often goes unacknowledged, even though it can be just as damaging. I’ve often heard the phrase “there are two sides to every story,” but this mindset can minimize the impact of emotional abuse. It’s not just a matter of different perspectives; it’s about addressing the harm caused and helping those who are suffering.

We grew up hearing, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” but this is far from true. I recently injured my finger, and you can still see the bruise. It’s easy to recognize physical pain, but emotional pain is harder to see. Sometimes, the emotional and spiritual abuse we experience leaves no visible marks, but it can be even more damaging. The impact of emotional abuse often lingers inside, making it harder to recognize, and we may question whether it truly happened, especially if the abuser gaslights the victim.

I think it’s critical to understand that emotional and spiritual abuse can sometimes be more harmful than physical abuse, because it doesn’t leave marks we can immediately see. That’s why we need to address it with the same seriousness.