The Enemy of Self-Awareness Is Self-Deception | Lysa TerKeurst
The Enemy of Self-Awareness Is Self-Deception
When we’re blinded by self-deception, we can’t repent, heal, grow and get better. So how can we know how we’re actually doing?
Learn from Lysa TerKeurst, Dr. Joel Muddamalle and Jim Cress in Episode 3 of this six-part series of Therapy & Theology titled “I Want To Be More Self-Aware.” Each week, we’ll hear conversations providing tools for how we can live as the most healthy versions of ourselves.
Related Resources:
– Have you ever wondered, What’s it really like to do life with me? Lysa TerKeurst put together a free resource, “What’s It Like To Do Life With Me?” to help you find out! Through Bible teaching and honest
The reality is we are what we repeatedly do. This is the slippery slope of self deception.
And if we don’t know what we repeatedly do, then we can’t repent, heal, grow, and ultimately get better.
When we know better, We do better, and that’s why self awareness is so crucial.
The enemy of self awareness is self deception. I’m excited about today’s episode.
Episode 3 of this season on self awareness. Joel, I know you have a lot to say about this.
Yeah. I sure do. Um, I think that idea of self deception, um, is so challenging because self deception shows up in different ways.
For each of us. There is an overt aspect of self deception that we can easily point out in other people.
You know, we’d be like, oh, you have been deceiving yourself in all these different ways.
But there’s a covert nature of self deception, and so I’m really excited to share and talk about both of those.
But before we get there, I’m gonna turn Lisa to your favorite place. In all of scripture.
And where might that be?
Genesis.
That’s right. We’re gonna go to Genesis, but our path to Genesis is actually gonna be a passage that you shared in the previous episode James chapter 1.
Um, and let’s start here, James chapter 1 in verse 14.
Each person is tempted, notice language, Each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desire.
Then after desire has conceived to give birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death.
What I actually think James is doing is he’s actually giving us a commentary on the opening pages of Genesis.
Because what does the enemy, Lucifer, Satan do in the Garden of Eden?
Well, first, he, um, he himself has a desire to be like god. So he himself is actually self deceived.
He’s dealing with deception in all kinds of ways.
And the natural tendency of a person who is self deceived and is diss is deceptive in their own nature is to be deceptive with others.
So then catch this. The enemy himself is self deceived Then he goes into Eden, and he actually tempts through deception, Adam and Eve in order to, Hey, you probably want to eat this fruit because you want to be like god.
And then Adam and Eve are self deceived.
And in their own deception, they actually deceive themselves and eat of the fruit because they actually have competing ambitions.
Competing desires. And when they take of that fruit, what happens sin? And sin gives birth to death.
And Lisa, you’ve talked this often that in that moment, you’re like, wait a minute, they didn’t instantly die, right?
Like the aid of the freedom, they didn’t instantly die. But what did take place?
Spiritual death took place in that exact moment. And they began the process of death and dying.
And so self deception from a theological kind of standpoint has its historic roots in the very garden.
And you know what I hear there? I hear justification.
And justification is really a big component, I think, to self deception.
Mhmm.
Because I know in that situation, I could imagine now I wasn’t there, obviously, and I’m not Eve, obviously.
But I’m putting myself in that situation.
And I’m thinking, oh, if I eat this fruit that god told me not to eat of, But if I eat this fruit, I’ll become more like god.
Mhmm. Well, I wanna become more like god. Who doesn’t wanna become more like god?
And so she easily justified what god had already said don’t do. Right.
And I think that we can get into some of those situations as well.
When we too easily justify what we’re doing and I think that justification can lead to that self deception.
For example, I know this is wrong for everyone else, but it’s okay for me because look at all I’ve been through.
Right? Or, um, this might be, you know, really, something that would hurt somebody else, but I’m okay doing this because X Y Z.
And I think or, like, It’s wrong for other people to take this, but I’m justified in taking this because I have x, y, and z.
Or I need X Y Z, you know?
Yeah. So good.
And so I think we have to watch in the last episode.
We talked about motivate And so I I just think we need to end this episode pay a little bit attention to justification because if we can easily justify something That is such a big part of deceiving ourselves and then becoming less and less and less aware that we are justifying things we shouldn’t just.
And a third word real quickly, I’ll tell you, this is, uh, really the main word I use.
It’s used in addictions work and just in getting out of self deception to self awareness.
And that is rationalization, thinking of that rational brain when the brain, it is justified.
All those things are true, but when I rationalize it and I say, this makes sense or this would be something I could do.
It it kicks it up a little more even than justifying, but my brain rationally will say, okay.
Let’s walk down path. I’ve rationalized it, made it rational to me.
Then it’s really hard to come out of self deception and get back into self aware
So good. Great. And I think that with self deception, we, I mean, I think about deception often as, uh, other people deceiving me.
Right? So like it’s coming from the outside towards me, but the self deception part is about the internal reality of how we’re participating in this type of belief system that is incongruent.
It’s not accurate. It is false.
Um, Paul is not, uh, unfamiliar with this and actually uh, Jim, you referenced this in the last episode.
It is, uh, Roman 715. So look at this, what Paul says. For I do not understand what I’m doing.
Because I do not practice. If you’re circling or highlighting or kind of paying attention to this, you wanna circle and highlight that word practice because I do not practice what I want to do.
But I do what I hate that Greek word for practice is Praso.
It means to get beyond or to press on through or to execute.
And literally what Paul is saying is he’s adding to like, okay, self deception. How does this happen?
Well, we participate in self inception when we put our practice on the wrong thing.
That’s good.
We actually practice deceiving ourselves instead of practicing the things that we ought to do.
The things that are going to bring clarity to our lives, the things that are going to the things that are going to lead us into a path of truth, not a uh, path of deception.
And and I think the the background for even this is Galatians chapter 5.
So it’s like, what are just from a very practical stand point.
What are the things that are self, self deceptive that lead us into a path of deception?
Well, we’re gonna notice each of these episodes are kind of building on each other.
And so when it comes to self deception, uh, Paul in Galatians chapter 5, he he makes this comparison between the fruit of the spirit and the vices of the flesh.
So the vices of the flesh are act are the things that we do that are self deceptive, that part partner with our self deception.
So look at verse 19. Now, the works, the flesh are obvious, again, insane lists, sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, um, carouising, anything similar.
I’m warning you about these things as I warned you before, the those who pr look at their work practice.
There’s always reason for a repetition. For those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of god.
And again, Lisa, I think about how you’re so, um, helpful in talking about the difference between patterns of behavior that that we find ourselves in versus mistakes.
That as fallen human beings that we, you know, we succumb to. Well, what is the difference?
Patterns are things that we actually are practicing. Yep. It’s that we’re participating that we’re being intentional around.
Because we become what we repeatedly do.
Absolutely. Absolutely. And then there’s this comparison and there’s this juxtaposition to, um, the the things of the flesh, the vices of the flesh versus the fruit of the spirit.
Notice how it flips, right? What is the fruit of the spirit? It’s love. It’s joy. It’s peace.
It’s patience, it’s kindness, it’s goodness, it’s faithfulness, it’s gentleness, it’s self control. So it’s not crazy anger.
It’s it’s actually being controlled. And notice this, It’s not that you don’t have anger.
It’s not that you don’t experience these things. No.
It’s actually that through the power of the Holy Spirit, you’re able to bridle those emotions and those anchor, uh, and that anger and submit it to god.
The law is not against such things.
Now, those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
And then here’s 25. Again, we’re building.
If we live by the spirit, Let us also keep in step with the spirit.
Let us not become conceded provoking one another and being one another.
And so we have the sense that when we practice, when we partner with, when we pursue the the vices of the flesh, we’re actually taking ourselves deeper into places of self deception to the point where we look around, and we’re gonna talk about this later, but I know, Jim, you’ve got interesting things to say about this.
Um, to the point we actually don’t even realize what’s happening around us.
It’s like the frog that’s in the pot, you know, and you put it in the pot.
If it’s in the hot like jumps out, but if you turn that heat up slowly over time, that that frog is just like, oh, this is great.
This environment’s awesome. And until it’s burnt alive, and that’s what self deception will do to you over a prolonged period of time.
I like what you said that we keep in step with the spirit because that is a healthy, godly practice.
It’s like, I’m gonna step, and then I’m gonna step again.
I’m gonna step again, and it’s all gonna be in alignment with what honors god loves people and helps me come who ultimately I want to become, and I should become, and and god is enabling me to become if I will keep in step.
In alignment with the way that I should go. Yeah. So interesting.
Jim, what do you have to say about this?
Well, I think the idea of taking the covert and making it over.
Uh, god’s word will help us with that.
I a big thing I would think around on the very practical level around self deception is have a group of people, even if it’s 2 or 3, I’ve taught often about having a personal board of directors.
That means you name six seats Three seats. However, me, you can have people who will tell you the truth.
And that’s called doing a 360, where someone can look around you and do it periodically.
Say, what am I missing? Here’s what I say my goals are, and I’m not reaching out to them, or where do you see me?
Sometimes a good spouse, if your married, can help you with that.
Where do you see me not being my best self or where have I done anything in this relationship that is what we call malfeasance?
We want a therapist non malfeasance do no harm.
Where have I done anything that, uh, has been harmful to you, said something, did something.
I didn’t follow through on what I said I would do.
And again, be curious, not furious there, but to have some people who can speak into your life, not yes, men, or yes women, would say, well, thank you.
And, yeah, here’s, jimbo, what we see. Joel, here’s something I see going on in your life.
And these are people who have their own words season with assault with grace, and they have a vision for me to be the best me I could be.
I just don’t wanna do this alone.
I love that. And that’s one of the reasons why I put together this free resource that will put a link in the show notes.
What’s it like to do life with me?
I love how you called them the the people of personal board of directors. Yeah. Because I think you’re right.
I think I love the questions you said.
Um, what am I missing and where do you see me not being my best self?
And this assessment will really help with that.
Um, I thought I would read just a couple of questions from the assessment.
Because I think those questions are gonna be opportunities for healthy discussion.
Um, so one of the questions is So in the assessment, my friends and family know they can count on me to encourage and support them.
So I’m gonna answer that for myself.
Then we’re gonna compare it to others assessment of me and others assessment someone else is saying, I know I can count on Lisa, to encourage and support me, is that true or false?
And so wherever I’m marking true, but my close trusted friends or marking faults, then that’s where there may be some self deception.
Let me do one more. So I’m gonna assess myself and say, I’m the first to apologize, or I’m quick to extend grace and understanding but then my friend is gonna assess me and say, is it true that my friend, Lisa, is the first to apologize.
Is it true that Lisa is quick to extend grace and understanding.
And if they say it’s false and I’m saying it’s true, that’s a way to identify some self deception.
Yeah. That’s so good. When it comes to self deception, I think the we talked about devices of the flesh and for the spirit, uh, but one of the big indicators that’s always present in in deception is pride.
Pride is all is always present.
Now, pride interestingly, and this, uh, came out of some research I was doing as us preparing for the my book that comes out next year, the Hidden Peace, uh, a section on private.
Actually, Jim, you’re super helpful because you gave me a lot of great kind of therapeutic insight into pride.
Um, pride in one sense is is very, um, open.
Like you can kind of see evidences of pride in other people’s lives.
And you’re like, oh yeah, that was just absolutely prideful.
That was absolutely, um, incongruent, inconsistent, and, and, and not very helpful.
But one of the, I think, more significant issues is the concept of hidden pride.
And when it comes to self deception, um, one of the ways that we’re self deceived is when we actually have hidden pride that is present inside of our lives.
Now, why is hidden pride so difficult to maybe put our finger on I’ve come to the conclusion that hidden pride is so difficult to, um, to pinpoint because oftentimes hidden pride presents itself as the fruit of the spirit.
Wow.
It is so slow.
Yeah. Hold on. Let me let that sink in for a minute. Yeah. Hidden pride.
Often presents itself as fruit of the spirit. Yeah.
So let’s look at it. Yeah. Uh, the fruit of the spirit is love. Hidden pride.
Well, I love that person. Like, I’m doing all these things for them. Right?
And so it might present itself as love, but then you get behind the scenes and you go, oh, my love is actually contingent on what that person can do for me.
Oh. Yeah. And so unless that person keeps up and we’ve talked about narcissistic behavior in fuel and and what that does.
Unless that love that we’re presenting is met by the contingency statement behind it, um, that that person can easily no longer person that we love.
It’s hidden pride.
Wow.
Hidden pride is so dangerous because it’s hidden inside of the chamber of the human heart where there is no accountability.
There’s no mirror to be able to help identify.
I would love that person as long as they keep my secrets.
That’s right.
You know, I would love that person as long as
they a relationship.
Mhmm. Like, as long as as long as they go along with what I want,
Yeah. Exactly. And so hit hit and pride is so so scary in that sense.
And so then the the really big question is, well, how do I know that I am suffering from hidden pride.
And so, uh, in this chapter, we had, uh, 4 different questions, and it’s questions.
And this is the chapter to the new book. To
the new book, the hidden piece, Um, and it’s about, uh, finding true strength and security and confidence through the lost discipline of humility.
And it’s your first book that you’ve written.
And it’s my first book that I’ve written.
And, Lisa, you wrote the forward for it, which I’m so grateful for. And, Jim, you’re quoted extensively.
Throughout this book and this section that you really helped me with, but I I remember I was working through these four questions, um, in the chapter, and I got a little worried I was like, man, I really wanna make sure from a psychological standpoint and a therapeutic standpoint that these are actually gonna be helpful for people who might be suffering from hidden pride might want to evaluate that they don’t want to be self deceived, right?
They don’t want self deception to be present in the place of pride.
And so we just had these kind of 4 questions.
Uh, question number 1, when you’re celebrated, how do you feel? When you’re sell so it’s really important.
First, you have to answer the questions. Honestly, what is the honest.
I like that.
Like in the chamber of your hidden heart, what do you feel?
It’s like when I hit the 3 point er, uh, on the basketball court, I’m just letting y’all know, I’m thinking I could have played in the NBA.
Like, like, I’m crushing it. Like, you know what I mean?
So this is the level of honesty that we need.
Of your self deception at that moment?
Oh, absolutely. I’m 57. I’m shrinking every every year. Like, no, there’s no way.
So when you’re celebrated, how do you feel? And we need that honest kind of response.
When you experience failure, how do you respond?
Um, when you win or you’re right about something, what words do you say Perhaps only in your mind about yourself so when Lisa beats us for the 25th time in a row for ticket to ride or sequence or uh, monopoly go, whatever it is.
Monopoly deal. Monopoly deal.
Yeah. Monthly go. I got the car being played with her. Here not long. Yeah. Exactly.
Like, you know, what is what are the things that you’re saying?
What words or thoughts do you have about the person who was wrong? You know, what are these things?
And then you wanna kinda write these things down, and then you wanna go to some people that are close to you.
That that know you really, really well, and you wanted to use your word, Jim, um, we want to look for concruency, consistency, and the tension between the space of how you answered it with how other people might respond is probably where that hidden pride and self deception is actually working itself out.
That is so good, Joel. And I think it’s something that is not isolated to just those people or that person because, honestly, you know, Satan, the enemy is the father of law.
And he he loves to try to not only make us believe lies that other people have spoken over us.
And and I wrote one time in one of my books when, um, when someone who puts a line on us, And sometimes if it’s a lie, they put this line on us.
That line then becomes something that we keep repeating to our self and it becomes a lie, we believe, which if we believe that lie, then the line that turned into a lie becomes a liability.
In all our future relationships.
I’m really excited about your book, the hidden piece because I feel like it’s gonna help raise our awareness so much.
And of course, the, uh, guide that we have linked in the show notes is gonna be extremely helpful too.
And it’s you know, what is it like to do life with me? So I love your 4 questions, Joel.
And then the questions that we ask here are gonna be really telling as well.
And, of course, you can fill it out for yourself, have your friend fill it out, and then like you said, come together and have a great discussion.
Jim, anything you wanna wrap us up with today?
Yeah. A couple of things to look out for. Um, I wanna speak to this will be fast.
The emperor’s new clothes, this old old tail.
Where these 2 suitors come into town and convince this guy that they have a new suit of clothes.
And then everybody buys in. Be careful of that. Everybody buys in and says, yeah. Yeah. Now he’s naked. Right?
And they refine all the clothing. They get him to go through town. No. True story.
I can totally have you not seen people like this? Like, You don’t see all the school on here.
Everybody sees it. He goes through town naked and is not until the child yells out.
He’s naked, and then other people are gonna go, yay. Yeah. He’s kind of right.
So he goes through it, and people are self deceived to the point if they don’t have that internal awareness, I say, you know, I know I’m really naked here, or I know this is what’s really going on.
Couple of key points you wanna look for. Okay? One is confirmation bias.
Confirmation bias is simply when you’re gonna seek out or try to cling to information that will be an attempt to internalize or agree with in a congruency some internal belief that you have already.
It’s called a confirmation bias. Look out for defense mechanisms, like Shakespeare said, me thinks thou does protest too much.
Why are you so defensive or somebody shares something? You go to quid pro quo.
Well, really you’re gonna bring that up. Let me bring. It’s just getting right off the topic. Denial.
Remember this with denial? Denial is really not denying the event. You see it. You what’s going on.
You may see your own issue going on. It’s denying key point here.
It’s denying the emotion or emotions, plural, that you are feeling around the event and then simply pretending being in pretense.
And this is someone that We’ll get into more about lying. We we’ve talked about it before, but you’re pretending.
You know you don’t wanna be in that job anymore, but you pretend you do.
I mean, you’re playing the role. Maybe even tell them, no. No. Your voice pitches up.
I hear that with people. I really like it. You know, you don’t wanna be in that relationship anymore.
See the lot with dating couples. And you said, no. No. No. And you’re afraid to end him.
Or you’re pretending even in your relationship with god. We’ll talk later in this series on the god attachment.
And god already knows your heart and you’re pretending that, you know, that things are really cool and all like that.
And, like, things aren’t really cool. So pretending It’s like a kid, really.
I think many of the things we struggle with, the lack of self awareness and self deception is very young in us.
My officer’s a sign that I have that says, how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are in many of you right now, maybe afraid like kids, to check and look at the monster that may be underneath the bed shivering thinking, I don’t wanna look at it.
Mental Health, we’ve said what, is mental and spiritual health, a commitment to reality at all costs.
What will it cost for you to face it down
Thank you so much. Jim Joel. Great episode today. I hope you enjoyed it.
Remember, the resource we mentioned, what is it like to do life with me is in the show next.
And if we don’t know what we repeatedly do, then we can’t repent, heal, grow, and ultimately get better.
When we know better, We do better, and that’s why self awareness is so crucial.
The enemy of self awareness is self deception. I’m excited about today’s episode.
Episode 3 of this season on self awareness. Joel, I know you have a lot to say about this.
Yeah. I sure do. Um, I think that idea of self deception, um, is so challenging because self deception shows up in different ways.
For each of us. There is an overt aspect of self deception that we can easily point out in other people.
You know, we’d be like, oh, you have been deceiving yourself in all these different ways.
But there’s a covert nature of self deception, and so I’m really excited to share and talk about both of those.
But before we get there, I’m gonna turn Lisa to your favorite place. In all of scripture.
And where might that be?
Genesis.
That’s right. We’re gonna go to Genesis, but our path to Genesis is actually gonna be a passage that you shared in the previous episode James chapter 1.
Um, and let’s start here, James chapter 1 in verse 14.
Each person is tempted, notice language, Each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desire.
Then after desire has conceived to give birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death.
What I actually think James is doing is he’s actually giving us a commentary on the opening pages of Genesis.
Because what does the enemy, Lucifer, Satan do in the Garden of Eden?
Well, first, he, um, he himself has a desire to be like god. So he himself is actually self deceived.
He’s dealing with deception in all kinds of ways.
And the natural tendency of a person who is self deceived and is diss is deceptive in their own nature is to be deceptive with others.
So then catch this. The enemy himself is self deceived Then he goes into Eden, and he actually tempts through deception, Adam and Eve in order to, Hey, you probably want to eat this fruit because you want to be like god.
And then Adam and Eve are self deceived.
And in their own deception, they actually deceive themselves and eat of the fruit because they actually have competing ambitions.
Competing desires. And when they take of that fruit, what happens sin? And sin gives birth to death.
And Lisa, you’ve talked this often that in that moment, you’re like, wait a minute, they didn’t instantly die, right?
Like the aid of the freedom, they didn’t instantly die. But what did take place?
Spiritual death took place in that exact moment. And they began the process of death and dying.
And so self deception from a theological kind of standpoint has its historic roots in the very garden.
And you know what I hear there? I hear justification.
And justification is really a big component, I think, to self deception.
Mhmm.
Because I know in that situation, I could imagine now I wasn’t there, obviously, and I’m not Eve, obviously.
But I’m putting myself in that situation.
And I’m thinking, oh, if I eat this fruit that god told me not to eat of, But if I eat this fruit, I’ll become more like god.
Mhmm. Well, I wanna become more like god. Who doesn’t wanna become more like god?
And so she easily justified what god had already said don’t do. Right.
And I think that we can get into some of those situations as well.
When we too easily justify what we’re doing and I think that justification can lead to that self deception.
For example, I know this is wrong for everyone else, but it’s okay for me because look at all I’ve been through.
Right? Or, um, this might be, you know, really, something that would hurt somebody else, but I’m okay doing this because X Y Z.
And I think or, like, It’s wrong for other people to take this, but I’m justified in taking this because I have x, y, and z.
Or I need X Y Z, you know?
Yeah. So good.
And so I think we have to watch in the last episode.
We talked about motivate And so I I just think we need to end this episode pay a little bit attention to justification because if we can easily justify something That is such a big part of deceiving ourselves and then becoming less and less and less aware that we are justifying things we shouldn’t just.
And a third word real quickly, I’ll tell you, this is, uh, really the main word I use.
It’s used in addictions work and just in getting out of self deception to self awareness.
And that is rationalization, thinking of that rational brain when the brain, it is justified.
All those things are true, but when I rationalize it and I say, this makes sense or this would be something I could do.
It it kicks it up a little more even than justifying, but my brain rationally will say, okay.
Let’s walk down path. I’ve rationalized it, made it rational to me.
Then it’s really hard to come out of self deception and get back into self aware
So good. Great. And I think that with self deception, we, I mean, I think about deception often as, uh, other people deceiving me.
Right? So like it’s coming from the outside towards me, but the self deception part is about the internal reality of how we’re participating in this type of belief system that is incongruent.
It’s not accurate. It is false.
Um, Paul is not, uh, unfamiliar with this and actually uh, Jim, you referenced this in the last episode.
It is, uh, Roman 715. So look at this, what Paul says. For I do not understand what I’m doing.
Because I do not practice. If you’re circling or highlighting or kind of paying attention to this, you wanna circle and highlight that word practice because I do not practice what I want to do.
But I do what I hate that Greek word for practice is Praso.
It means to get beyond or to press on through or to execute.
And literally what Paul is saying is he’s adding to like, okay, self deception. How does this happen?
Well, we participate in self inception when we put our practice on the wrong thing.
That’s good.
We actually practice deceiving ourselves instead of practicing the things that we ought to do.
The things that are going to bring clarity to our lives, the things that are going to the things that are going to lead us into a path of truth, not a uh, path of deception.
And and I think the the background for even this is Galatians chapter 5.
So it’s like, what are just from a very practical stand point.
What are the things that are self, self deceptive that lead us into a path of deception?
Well, we’re gonna notice each of these episodes are kind of building on each other.
And so when it comes to self deception, uh, Paul in Galatians chapter 5, he he makes this comparison between the fruit of the spirit and the vices of the flesh.
So the vices of the flesh are act are the things that we do that are self deceptive, that part partner with our self deception.
So look at verse 19. Now, the works, the flesh are obvious, again, insane lists, sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, um, carouising, anything similar.
I’m warning you about these things as I warned you before, the those who pr look at their work practice.
There’s always reason for a repetition. For those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of god.
And again, Lisa, I think about how you’re so, um, helpful in talking about the difference between patterns of behavior that that we find ourselves in versus mistakes.
That as fallen human beings that we, you know, we succumb to. Well, what is the difference?
Patterns are things that we actually are practicing. Yep. It’s that we’re participating that we’re being intentional around.
Because we become what we repeatedly do.
Absolutely. Absolutely. And then there’s this comparison and there’s this juxtaposition to, um, the the things of the flesh, the vices of the flesh versus the fruit of the spirit.
Notice how it flips, right? What is the fruit of the spirit? It’s love. It’s joy. It’s peace.
It’s patience, it’s kindness, it’s goodness, it’s faithfulness, it’s gentleness, it’s self control. So it’s not crazy anger.
It’s it’s actually being controlled. And notice this, It’s not that you don’t have anger.
It’s not that you don’t experience these things. No.
It’s actually that through the power of the Holy Spirit, you’re able to bridle those emotions and those anchor, uh, and that anger and submit it to god.
The law is not against such things.
Now, those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
And then here’s 25. Again, we’re building.
If we live by the spirit, Let us also keep in step with the spirit.
Let us not become conceded provoking one another and being one another.
And so we have the sense that when we practice, when we partner with, when we pursue the the vices of the flesh, we’re actually taking ourselves deeper into places of self deception to the point where we look around, and we’re gonna talk about this later, but I know, Jim, you’ve got interesting things to say about this.
Um, to the point we actually don’t even realize what’s happening around us.
It’s like the frog that’s in the pot, you know, and you put it in the pot.
If it’s in the hot like jumps out, but if you turn that heat up slowly over time, that that frog is just like, oh, this is great.
This environment’s awesome. And until it’s burnt alive, and that’s what self deception will do to you over a prolonged period of time.
I like what you said that we keep in step with the spirit because that is a healthy, godly practice.
It’s like, I’m gonna step, and then I’m gonna step again.
I’m gonna step again, and it’s all gonna be in alignment with what honors god loves people and helps me come who ultimately I want to become, and I should become, and and god is enabling me to become if I will keep in step.
In alignment with the way that I should go. Yeah. So interesting.
Jim, what do you have to say about this?
Well, I think the idea of taking the covert and making it over.
Uh, god’s word will help us with that.
I a big thing I would think around on the very practical level around self deception is have a group of people, even if it’s 2 or 3, I’ve taught often about having a personal board of directors.
That means you name six seats Three seats. However, me, you can have people who will tell you the truth.
And that’s called doing a 360, where someone can look around you and do it periodically.
Say, what am I missing? Here’s what I say my goals are, and I’m not reaching out to them, or where do you see me?
Sometimes a good spouse, if your married, can help you with that.
Where do you see me not being my best self or where have I done anything in this relationship that is what we call malfeasance?
We want a therapist non malfeasance do no harm.
Where have I done anything that, uh, has been harmful to you, said something, did something.
I didn’t follow through on what I said I would do.
And again, be curious, not furious there, but to have some people who can speak into your life, not yes, men, or yes women, would say, well, thank you.
And, yeah, here’s, jimbo, what we see. Joel, here’s something I see going on in your life.
And these are people who have their own words season with assault with grace, and they have a vision for me to be the best me I could be.
I just don’t wanna do this alone.
I love that. And that’s one of the reasons why I put together this free resource that will put a link in the show notes.
What’s it like to do life with me?
I love how you called them the the people of personal board of directors. Yeah. Because I think you’re right.
I think I love the questions you said.
Um, what am I missing and where do you see me not being my best self?
And this assessment will really help with that.
Um, I thought I would read just a couple of questions from the assessment.
Because I think those questions are gonna be opportunities for healthy discussion.
Um, so one of the questions is So in the assessment, my friends and family know they can count on me to encourage and support them.
So I’m gonna answer that for myself.
Then we’re gonna compare it to others assessment of me and others assessment someone else is saying, I know I can count on Lisa, to encourage and support me, is that true or false?
And so wherever I’m marking true, but my close trusted friends or marking faults, then that’s where there may be some self deception.
Let me do one more. So I’m gonna assess myself and say, I’m the first to apologize, or I’m quick to extend grace and understanding but then my friend is gonna assess me and say, is it true that my friend, Lisa, is the first to apologize.
Is it true that Lisa is quick to extend grace and understanding.
And if they say it’s false and I’m saying it’s true, that’s a way to identify some self deception.
Yeah. That’s so good. When it comes to self deception, I think the we talked about devices of the flesh and for the spirit, uh, but one of the big indicators that’s always present in in deception is pride.
Pride is all is always present.
Now, pride interestingly, and this, uh, came out of some research I was doing as us preparing for the my book that comes out next year, the Hidden Peace, uh, a section on private.
Actually, Jim, you’re super helpful because you gave me a lot of great kind of therapeutic insight into pride.
Um, pride in one sense is is very, um, open.
Like you can kind of see evidences of pride in other people’s lives.
And you’re like, oh yeah, that was just absolutely prideful.
That was absolutely, um, incongruent, inconsistent, and, and, and not very helpful.
But one of the, I think, more significant issues is the concept of hidden pride.
And when it comes to self deception, um, one of the ways that we’re self deceived is when we actually have hidden pride that is present inside of our lives.
Now, why is hidden pride so difficult to maybe put our finger on I’ve come to the conclusion that hidden pride is so difficult to, um, to pinpoint because oftentimes hidden pride presents itself as the fruit of the spirit.
Wow.
It is so slow.
Yeah. Hold on. Let me let that sink in for a minute. Yeah. Hidden pride.
Often presents itself as fruit of the spirit. Yeah.
So let’s look at it. Yeah. Uh, the fruit of the spirit is love. Hidden pride.
Well, I love that person. Like, I’m doing all these things for them. Right?
And so it might present itself as love, but then you get behind the scenes and you go, oh, my love is actually contingent on what that person can do for me.
Oh. Yeah. And so unless that person keeps up and we’ve talked about narcissistic behavior in fuel and and what that does.
Unless that love that we’re presenting is met by the contingency statement behind it, um, that that person can easily no longer person that we love.
It’s hidden pride.
Wow.
Hidden pride is so dangerous because it’s hidden inside of the chamber of the human heart where there is no accountability.
There’s no mirror to be able to help identify.
I would love that person as long as they keep my secrets.
That’s right.
You know, I would love that person as long as
they a relationship.
Mhmm. Like, as long as as long as they go along with what I want,
Yeah. Exactly. And so hit hit and pride is so so scary in that sense.
And so then the the really big question is, well, how do I know that I am suffering from hidden pride.
And so, uh, in this chapter, we had, uh, 4 different questions, and it’s questions.
And this is the chapter to the new book. To
the new book, the hidden piece, Um, and it’s about, uh, finding true strength and security and confidence through the lost discipline of humility.
And it’s your first book that you’ve written.
And it’s my first book that I’ve written.
And, Lisa, you wrote the forward for it, which I’m so grateful for. And, Jim, you’re quoted extensively.
Throughout this book and this section that you really helped me with, but I I remember I was working through these four questions, um, in the chapter, and I got a little worried I was like, man, I really wanna make sure from a psychological standpoint and a therapeutic standpoint that these are actually gonna be helpful for people who might be suffering from hidden pride might want to evaluate that they don’t want to be self deceived, right?
They don’t want self deception to be present in the place of pride.
And so we just had these kind of 4 questions.
Uh, question number 1, when you’re celebrated, how do you feel? When you’re sell so it’s really important.
First, you have to answer the questions. Honestly, what is the honest.
I like that.
Like in the chamber of your hidden heart, what do you feel?
It’s like when I hit the 3 point er, uh, on the basketball court, I’m just letting y’all know, I’m thinking I could have played in the NBA.
Like, like, I’m crushing it. Like, you know what I mean?
So this is the level of honesty that we need.
Of your self deception at that moment?
Oh, absolutely. I’m 57. I’m shrinking every every year. Like, no, there’s no way.
So when you’re celebrated, how do you feel? And we need that honest kind of response.
When you experience failure, how do you respond?
Um, when you win or you’re right about something, what words do you say Perhaps only in your mind about yourself so when Lisa beats us for the 25th time in a row for ticket to ride or sequence or uh, monopoly go, whatever it is.
Monopoly deal. Monopoly deal.
Yeah. Monthly go. I got the car being played with her. Here not long. Yeah. Exactly.
Like, you know, what is what are the things that you’re saying?
What words or thoughts do you have about the person who was wrong? You know, what are these things?
And then you wanna kinda write these things down, and then you wanna go to some people that are close to you.
That that know you really, really well, and you wanted to use your word, Jim, um, we want to look for concruency, consistency, and the tension between the space of how you answered it with how other people might respond is probably where that hidden pride and self deception is actually working itself out.
That is so good, Joel. And I think it’s something that is not isolated to just those people or that person because, honestly, you know, Satan, the enemy is the father of law.
And he he loves to try to not only make us believe lies that other people have spoken over us.
And and I wrote one time in one of my books when, um, when someone who puts a line on us, And sometimes if it’s a lie, they put this line on us.
That line then becomes something that we keep repeating to our self and it becomes a lie, we believe, which if we believe that lie, then the line that turned into a lie becomes a liability.
In all our future relationships.
I’m really excited about your book, the hidden piece because I feel like it’s gonna help raise our awareness so much.
And of course, the, uh, guide that we have linked in the show notes is gonna be extremely helpful too.
And it’s you know, what is it like to do life with me? So I love your 4 questions, Joel.
And then the questions that we ask here are gonna be really telling as well.
And, of course, you can fill it out for yourself, have your friend fill it out, and then like you said, come together and have a great discussion.
Jim, anything you wanna wrap us up with today?
Yeah. A couple of things to look out for. Um, I wanna speak to this will be fast.
The emperor’s new clothes, this old old tail.
Where these 2 suitors come into town and convince this guy that they have a new suit of clothes.
And then everybody buys in. Be careful of that. Everybody buys in and says, yeah. Yeah. Now he’s naked. Right?
And they refine all the clothing. They get him to go through town. No. True story.
I can totally have you not seen people like this? Like, You don’t see all the school on here.
Everybody sees it. He goes through town naked and is not until the child yells out.
He’s naked, and then other people are gonna go, yay. Yeah. He’s kind of right.
So he goes through it, and people are self deceived to the point if they don’t have that internal awareness, I say, you know, I know I’m really naked here, or I know this is what’s really going on.
Couple of key points you wanna look for. Okay? One is confirmation bias.
Confirmation bias is simply when you’re gonna seek out or try to cling to information that will be an attempt to internalize or agree with in a congruency some internal belief that you have already.
It’s called a confirmation bias. Look out for defense mechanisms, like Shakespeare said, me thinks thou does protest too much.
Why are you so defensive or somebody shares something? You go to quid pro quo.
Well, really you’re gonna bring that up. Let me bring. It’s just getting right off the topic. Denial.
Remember this with denial? Denial is really not denying the event. You see it. You what’s going on.
You may see your own issue going on. It’s denying key point here.
It’s denying the emotion or emotions, plural, that you are feeling around the event and then simply pretending being in pretense.
And this is someone that We’ll get into more about lying. We we’ve talked about it before, but you’re pretending.
You know you don’t wanna be in that job anymore, but you pretend you do.
I mean, you’re playing the role. Maybe even tell them, no. No. Your voice pitches up.
I hear that with people. I really like it. You know, you don’t wanna be in that relationship anymore.
See the lot with dating couples. And you said, no. No. No. And you’re afraid to end him.
Or you’re pretending even in your relationship with god. We’ll talk later in this series on the god attachment.
And god already knows your heart and you’re pretending that, you know, that things are really cool and all like that.
And, like, things aren’t really cool. So pretending It’s like a kid, really.
I think many of the things we struggle with, the lack of self awareness and self deception is very young in us.
My officer’s a sign that I have that says, how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are in many of you right now, maybe afraid like kids, to check and look at the monster that may be underneath the bed shivering thinking, I don’t wanna look at it.
Mental Health, we’ve said what, is mental and spiritual health, a commitment to reality at all costs.
What will it cost for you to face it down
Thank you so much. Jim Joel. Great episode today. I hope you enjoyed it.
Remember, the resource we mentioned, what is it like to do life with me is in the show next.
