Is Infidelity the Only Reason for Divorce? | Therapy & Theology

New title — Beyond Infidelity: A Compassionate, Biblical Look at Divorce

I remember the first time I filled out an intake form after my divorce. When I reached the line for an emergency contact, I sat in that doctor’s office and wept. For everyone else it was a blank on a form. For me it was the first time I understood: I had truly lost my person. That quiet, ordinary moment holds the weight of so many small losses that follow a marriage’s end.

This conversation is for anyone walking through divorce, anyone who loves someone who is, and anyone trying to understand what Scripture actually says. We come to it with humility. We care deeply about the sacredness of marriage, and we also care about the people—often women—who suffer when a marriage becomes destructive. We do not glorify divorce; we refuse to heap shame on the vulnerable.

Open your Bible and an honest heart. For a moment, put aside assumptions and let the text speak. Then take your convictions back to prayer, wise counsel, and community—pastors and friends who love Jesus more than they love your preferences.

Jesus and the trap of the Pharisees
In Matthew 19 the Pharisees ask Jesus if it is lawful for a man to divorce his wife “on any grounds.” They meant to test him—forcing him between two rabbinic camps. One school (Hillel) read Moses permissively, allowing divorce for many causes; the other (Shammai) restricted it largely to sexual immorality. Jesus answers sharply, “Haven’t you read?” and points back to the beginning: God made male and female; a man leaves his parents and becomes one flesh with his wife. What God has joined, let no one separate.

Jesus is not merely quoting a verse; he’s restoring the intent and dignity of marriage. But he also corrects legalism: Moses didn’t command divorce as ideal—Moses permitted it because of human hard-heartedness. Divorce in Scripture appears as a protective concession, not a first resort.

Context matters: protection embedded in the law
To understand Jesus, we must hear the Old Testament context he assumes. Deuteronomy 24’s certificate of divorce (and Exodus 21’s insistence on a husband’s food, clothing, and conjugal rights) were not crude legalities: they were protections for women in a world that offered them little security. The marriage contract, dowry arrangements, and the divorce certificate functioned as safety nets—financial and legal—so a divorced woman could survive and remarry lawfully without being ruined by predatory reprisals.

Archaeology and ancient contracts confirm how real these safeguards were. The certificate of divorce is a strange, compassionate legal innovation in Israelite law: it dignifies the woman and constrains the husband.

Does Jesus mean “only adultery”?
When Jesus says, “Whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery,” listeners in his day would not have closed the door on other abuses. The cultural horizon of his hearers—familiar with Exodus and Deuteronomy—would naturally bring to mind neglect, abandonment, failure of provision, and other grievous injuries that effectively violate the covenant. Some rabbinic voices did reduce grounds to narrow definitions; Jesus’ rhetoric, however, pushes us back to the larger covenantal picture: marriage is meant to be mutual, sustaining, sacrificial, and reflective of God’s love.

So: while adultery is explicitly named, the broader textual and social context points toward other valid grounds—especially where the husband’s behavior destroys the safety and dignity of the spouse.

Pastoral care for the wounded
Shame is one of divorce’s cruel companions. Church voices and well-meaning friends sometimes demand visible proof—“Did he bruise you?” or “Was there an affair?”—and that compounds suffering. The first, most powerful response is listening: not a fix, not a lecture, but presence. Say simple, truthful things: “I hear you. I believe you.” Lean in. Ask, “Is there more?” and let the person tell the story.

Therapy and pastoral care should help people move from self-hatred, social condemnation, and the accuser’s voice toward resilience—what we might call intentional shame-resiliency. That means identifying the patterns that hurt, naming them, and helping survivors rebuild identity and trust in God.

A theological frame of compassion
Scripture itself shows God’s fierce love for the vulnerable. When the prophets describe Israel’s unfaithfulness, the language is often marital—and God’s corrective actions are framed as a painful divorce that nevertheless aims at justice and eventual restoration. This theological pattern helps us hold two truths at once: God cherishes marriage as a reflection of Christ and the church, and God is not indifferent to abuse, abandonment, and injustice.

A final word of humility and hope
We do not pretend to settle every technical argument about ancient law or to issue tidy rules for every situation. The evidence from Scripture and history invites careful, compassionate interpretation—one that elevates the dignity of both spouses and protects the vulnerable. If you are walking through or recovering from divorce, know there is hope in the gospel. Seek wise counsel, study Scripture with open hands, and surround yourself with people who will love you toward health.

If you want, return to Matthew 19 with your Bible open. Take notes. Pray. Talk with a pastor and friends who love Jesus more than they love your immediate comfort. Above all, be gentle with the person in front of you—because losses like the one in a doctor’s waiting room are quiet, deep, and very real.