Build An Intimate Marriage: Effective Communication Empowers Oneness

The biggest problem in many marriages is failure to adequately communicate; if we don’t learn to communicate, our homes could disintegrate. In this message Adrian Rogers shares the power and the practice of healthy communication.

• The Awesome Power of Communication
• Problems in Communication
• How to Practice Proper Communication

The number one problem in many marriages is the failure of husbands and wives to adequately communicate.
And some marriages that are OK, still need a lot of help in uh communication.
I want to tell you there can be no intimacy without communication.
There can be no communication without trust and there can be no real trust without the Lord Jesus Christ.
Profound truth. Simply stated. This is love worth finding with pastor teacher and author Adrian Rogers.
Would you be Finding First Peter chapter two?
I heard of a woman who went to the lawyer and said, my husband wants to divorce me and the lawyer said to the lady, well, what’s the problem?
Does he have any grounds? Well, she said he has about 20 acres.
He said, no, I don’t mean that. Does he have a grudge?
She said no, I think it’s a carport and he wrinkled his brow just a little bit and said no, no, no, no.
Does he beat you up? She said no, I get up before him every morning.
He said, lady, what is the problem?
She said, he says we can’t communicate well, I can understand a little bit that some homes are on the rocks because of a lack of communication.
That’s what we’re talking about today. Communication and marriage. One Lord, one love communicate or disintegrate.
The number one problem in many marriages is the failure of husbands and wives to adequately communicate.
And some marriages that are ok, still need a lot of help in communication.
I was reading where one psychologist said that 80% of those who come in for counseling really come in because of communication problems.
Well, whether it’s 80% 100% or whatever it is a big percentage.
And I’m telling you that those of us who are married, those who may be single, those who are planning to get married, whatever all of us as Christians, brothers and sisters in Christ need to learn to communicate for the Bible says, life and death are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Now let me read you some scriptures here.
First of all, talking about the Lord Jesus who is the example for us in all things, especially in husband and wife relationships.
Now look if you will in chapter two, verse 21 Peter says for even here and two where you called because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example.
Now underscore that phrase, leaving us an example that ye should follow his steps.
Who did no sin, neither was found in his mouth. Who when he was reviled, reviled.
Not again when he suffered, he threatened not but committed himself to him that judge righteously.
Now I’m going to skip to verse chapter three verse one.
Likewise, ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands. Now I’m gonna skip down to chapter three verse seven.
Likewise, ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge. Now, what does the likewise refer to it refers to Jesus.
Jesus is the pattern and the power for communication in marriage.
First of all, he talks about Jesus and then he says, all right wives, you do the same way you follow in his steps.
He talks about Jesus. And then he says, all right husbands. Here’s the example.
Follow in his steps, we need to learn to communicate and the pattern and the power is the Lord Jesus Christ.
Now we strive for intimacy in marriage. We’re talking about achieving intimacy.
I want to tell you there can be no intimacy without communication, there can be no communication without trust and there can be no real trust without the Lord Jesus Christ.
The supreme goal of marriage is to know one another intimately and still love and respect one another.
The problem with the intimacy is in our society.
When we talk about intimacy, everybody’s thinking sexually but real sexual intimacy cannot have its fullest meaning or fullest uh fullest expression without psychological and spiritual intimacy.
When husband and wife would come together in bible times in the act of marriage.
The Bible uses, uh, this term, they knew one another that speaks of true, true intimacy, physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Now, if you as husband and wife don’t learn to communicate, I can tell you your marriage is going to drift apart after the honeymoon is over.
After the Children are up and out.
When, uh, the bitter uh toil of life sets in, you’re going to find yourself slowly, sometimes almost imperceptibly drifting apart.
The goal of marriage is no longer I and I, but we they too will become one flesh.
Now, I wanna say three basic things, but a lot of sub basic things today as we’re talking about uh communication.
And remember now that Jesus is both the power and the example he left us an example that we should follow in his steps.
Now, first of all, I want you to think about the awesome power of communication, the awesome power of communication.
Notice again, Jesus is the example in verse 21 that ye should follow in his steps who did no sin?
Neither was gile found in his mouth who when he was reviled, reviled, not again, when he suffered, he threatened not but committed himself to him to judge righteously, Jesus spoke truth.
He was called the word. He, he, his life was full of grace and truth.
And Jesus who knew this taught us that real communication comes out of the heart.
Jesus said out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaker.
If you want to know what’s in the heart, listen therefore to words they say in the country what’s down in the well, comes up in the bucket.
Harsh words, a harsh heart, an angry heart, negative words, a negative heart over active words, talking all the time, an unsettled heart, boastful words and insecure heart, filthy words, a dirty heart, critical words, a bitter heart, encouraging words, a happy heart, gentle words, a loving heart, truthful words, and honest heart.
If you want to know what’s in the heart, listen to the word.
No wonder, no wonder we need the Lord Jesus Christ to be the example here.
And so I want us to talk first of all about some problems in communication, some problems in uh communication.
We’ve talked about the power of the tongue. Let’s talk about some problems in communication.
Go back to our text, go back if you will please uh to first Peter chapters two and three.
Now one of the first problems is this, are you ready?
And I want you to jot these down if you will.
One of the first problems is this, we lack the skills, we lack communication skills because we have never learned and we’ve not learned because we’ve not studied the word of God.
Now Peter talks about the Lord Jesus and he says here is the example Jesus is the example.
And then he says in chapter three verse one wives do like this.
Then he says, in chapter three verse seven, he says, husbands, you do like the Lord Jesus Christ.
And he tells wives not to talk so much and he tells husbands to wise up.
Now we both need to learn and somewhere we need to meet in the middle.
I asked my wife, I was preparing this sermon. I said, Joyce, what is the basic problem in communication?
She didn’t even think she said men one word answer.
And you know, I got to thinking about it and I think she’s right.
I think the problem serves men guys is primarily with us.
And that’s the reason that he says to uh men to dwell with your wives according to knowledge, that means to wise up.
So the very first reason we have trouble uh uh communicating is hey, we’re different.
And that’s the reason God gives instruction to the woman.
And, and in chapter three, verse one says, really, basically, if you look at, I don’t talk so much.
And that’s the reason he says to the man and, and, and chapter three, verse seven, wise up live with her according to knowledge.
I’ll tell you another reason for our failure to communicate. And that’s self centeredness.
Look, if you will, in chapter two, verse 24 the Bible speaks of Christ, who his own self bear our sins in his own body.
That’s the ultimate, ultimate mark of selflessness. What is the biggest problem in marriage, selfishness.
We, we get selfish. We want to be the king or queen on the throne of our own lives.
We say we have our rights but Jesus, the Lord of glory thought it not robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation.
He laid down his life for the church, which is his bride.
Self centeredness is a hint hindrance to good communication.
Let me tell you most of the problems that you as your hus you as husband and wife are going to have.
You don’t want me to tell you what they are. They’re not really over problems, they’re ego.
There are no problems too big to solve, just people, too small to solve them.
And the problem is we’re so full of rotten pride that rather than attacking the problem, we attack one another because we are selfish by nature and we’re so full of pride, we want to be right.
But if both husband and wife would center on the problem rather than trying to prove who’s right or wrong, uh then we would have communication.
So uh lack of knowledge is one of the problems we’re different.
Uh Another reason is, is selfishness and, and, and that’s the reason Peter gives this example of the selfless life of the Lord Jesus.
And then he says, likewise, you wives, likewise ye husbands.
I’ll tell you another reason for poor communication and it is bitterness, unresolved problems and unforgiving spirit.
Now, look at the, uh what uh Peter says here in verse 23 he says, we’d be like Jesus Notice in verse 22 who did no sin?
Neither was found in his mouth. Who when he was reviled, reviled, not again.
And when he suffered, he threatened not but committed himself to him that judge righteously.
Now he’s saying you’ve got to get rid of that bitterness, bitterness, the root of bitterness will defile your marriage.
Hebrews chapter 12 and verse 15, the Bible says, we’re to be looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God, let any root of bitterness springing up trouble you and thereby many be defiled.
There’s some who are listening to me.
Now you’ve been married for 15 or 20 years and you’re still nursing the same grudges.
You have a root of bitterness. You say, well, I’m not aware of it.
No, because it’s a root, it’s underground, but you can see the fruit of it and the constant bickering those old things that just keep coming up.
They’ve never been resolved. They’ve never been buried in the grave of God’s forgetfulness.
They’ve never been committed to the Lord. They’ve never truly been forgiven.
One man said, when my wife and I argue she gets historical. He said, you mean hysterical?
He said no, I mean historical.
She brings up everything I ever did in the past and she keeps bringing it up and bringing it up.
What does God do with our sins when He forgives them, he buries them in the grave of his forgive fullness.
Never to bring them up again.
And, and the problem with many of us folks I’m telling you is, is that it’s the problem of bitterness.
It is a real problem. Now, let me tell you another problem in communication and by the way, the way to get rid of bitterness and to keep from letting it build up is to keep a short account.
You know, the Bible says in Ephesians four, don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath.
Don’t go to bed back to back, don’t go to bed angry, get it settled before you go to sleep.
Because the Bible says, if you don’t, you’re giving a place to the devil, neither give place to the devil.
The devil just comes in. You’re just saying devil, come on in and wreck our home.
One couple read this verse and said, we stayed up for three straight weeks.
All right, there’s something else uh that, that uh that hinders communication and that’s the distractions of life.
I mean, we’re so busy. Now notice in chapter two, when we’re talking about the Lord Jesus uh here and what the Lord Jesus does in, in chapter two, look if you will in verse 25 it says, but ye were as sheep going astray but are now returned unto the shepherd and bishop of your souls.
What does that mean. Well, you and I straight away from our Lord, all we like sheep, go straight.
But the Lord Jesus who is the shepherd and the bishop, he’s going out seeking us.
Uh Nothing is distracting him from seeking his sheep.
Then he says, now, wives, you do the same thing, husbands, you do the same thing.
Uh make this, the, the, the prime thing in your marriage is to seek peace.
And, and uh, again, the Bible says, go over here if you will.
Uh, in chapter three, verse 11, let him you evil and do good. Let him seek peace.
That means make it your prime goal to communicate, seek peace and ensue it.
You know, one of the biggest problems that keeps us from communicating as husbands and wives is television.
Might as well admit it. I mean, one of the great enemies of communication is television.
Somebody sent an Ann Landers. This letter had a little poem. I wanna read it with you.
I read it to you in the house of Mr and Mrs Spouse. He and she would watch TV.
And never a word between them was spoken until the day the set was broken.
Then how do you do then? How do you do?
Said he to, she, I don’t believe we’ve met. Spouse is the name. What’s yours?
He asked why mine is the same said she to he do you suppose that we could be?
But then the set came suddenly right about and they never did find out. Oh, it is.
It, is this, this, this, the distractions of life and we have to make up our mind that we are going to seek peace and Children, hobbies, business, whatever it is, all of these things come and get ahead of us that keep us from communicating.
And then I’m gonna tell you something else, uh, that keeps us from communicating.
Not only the differences between the sexes, uh, the male and female differences the way we’re wired, but the differences of the temperaments among either sex, uh Joyce and I are psychologically different temperamentally.
Now, some people are the same but Joyce and I are different.
Brother Bob Cll gave us a test one time and he gave all the staff a psychological profile and Joyce and I took that and we, when we compared it, we found factually what we’d always suspected folks.
Not only are we opposite sexually, we are just plain opposite.
The very things that I’m high on, I’m radically high.
The things that she is that I’m high on, she is radically low, not just low, radically low, the things that she’s radically high on.
I am radically low, not just low. I’m off the charts.
It’s only the grace of God’s kept us married. I’m telling you the truth.
We have a wonderful marriage. We have a wonderful marriage, but I think it must be God’s joke.
Uh You know, God puts people who are different together and then they have to work at that marriage.
And I just thank God for the grace of God that keeps us together.
But differences can sometimes drive us apart.
Look, if you will in chapter three verses seven and eight, likewise, y husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife.
Is unto the weaker vessel and is being heirs together of the grace of life.
that your prayers be not hindered. Finally be e all of one mind. What does he mean by that?
Well, he talks to husbands and wives and then to everybody, he says, you’ve got to come together.
You’ve got to agree even though uh you may be psychologically different.
Let me tell you another reason for the failure to communicate is insecurity and fear.
We are afraid to reach that freedom level of communication.
You know why we’re afraid if somebody knew us, really knew us, they wouldn’t love us anymore.
Look, if you will again in chapter three verse eight, finally be all of one mind, having compassion, one of another love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous.
Have you ever felt like I couldn’t really tell her how, how I really feel or I could not tell him how I really feel.
We have to wear this camouflage. We have to stand behind this mask.
We have to pretend even with those that we love the most because we feel if they knew how we really feel.
They wouldn’t love us anymore if they really knew us. And after all this is all I’ve got.
So I’ve got to hide it because if, if I just show them what I really am then, then they might, might not love me anymore.
And so fear keeps us, uh, from communicating.
Well, I, I wish I had more time to deal with, uh, all of these things but, but let’s move on.
Uh in uh four minutes, let me give you the whole third point.
All right, I’m not a good communicator this morning.
But let me just let me just go down some things. I wish I had more time.
But we, we’re just laying out the problem this morning.
Uh Let me give you some things now to practice proper communication. Husbands learn to be more sensitive.
Chapter three and verse seven. Listen to your wife. One man said, I’m concerned about my wife.
She goes around the house talking to herself all the time.
His friend said, does she know she’s doing it?
He said, no, she thinks I’m listening to her learn to be more sensitive.
Number two, both partners deal with self centeredness. I’m telling you the problem in your home.
If you’re having a problem is ego and pride die to yourself.
Most marriages need two funerals and one wedding where you die to yourself and take self off the throne and enthrone the Lord Jesus chapter three verse eight, be willing to overlook your partner’s problems.
You are not a perfect person and this person is not a perfect person.
And if they are negative, overlook it for a while in order to get things right.
Stop being so worried about yourself.
Number four, if she has a closed spirit or he has a closed spirit, try to find out why.
Chapter three and verse 11, I hope you will uh look at these.
If you notice that your wife is sullen, or your husband is quiet or cold or distant, began to work on that.
Create some areas of, of, of commonality. Put some fun back in your marriage.
Lighten up, laugh at yourself, laugh together. Don’t let your marriage be dull, lighten up.
Not only do you need to work at your marriage, you need to play at it. Keep on dating.
But last of all, make time for communication plan for it.
Our verse tells us to seek peace to seek it. You need to get out of the house.
You as husband and wife need at least a half an hour, four times a week as a minimum.
When you get away, take her to a restaurant, doesn’t have to be expensive.
Go for a drive, get away from the kids, get away from the television.
Don’t bring up all those negative things. Just begin to talk, communicate, drown insults in a river of love.
I tell you there’s a price to pay and if you’ll think about it, folks, if you’ll think about it.
This whole second chapter, this whole second chapter tells about Jesus dying on the cross.
The, just for the unjust that he might bring us to God, he took the initiative.
We love him because he first loved us. What you need to do in your home.
Listen very carefully is quit trying to change your partner and change yourself.
Do you know the only way you’re gonna change your partner? Listen very carefully.
The only way you’re really going to change them is to give them something different to react to you, change yourself.
And then they cannot be the same because you’re not the same.
They have to react to you in a different way because you are different.
That’s the whole thing, Christ.
The just for the unjust, quit trying to prove who’s right or wrong, whether you be the husband or the wife, there is a price to pay.
Jesus paid a price with his own blood. The result is that we love him with all of our heart.
You lay down your life for your wife, for your husband.
Practice chapter three, verse one, wives and verse two and verse three, husbands practice chapter three and verse seven.
And you find out that you have something very, very wonderful a home where you both communicate and it’ll be a little bit of heaven.
Let’s bow our heads in prayer heads are bowed and eyes are closed.
Father, I pray today that many will come to Jesus and to give their hearts to him and be saved.
Lord God, I pray that homes that have been unraveling and disintegrating will begin to come back together.
I pray Lord that all of us who have been so full of pride and selfishness and trying to be right, would lay our rights down and accept our responsibilities.
But we pray in the name of Jesus.
Amen.