The Steps to Repairing Trust | Therapy & Theology with Lysa TerKeurst
The Steps to Repairing Trust | Therapy & Theology with Lysa TerKeurst
When dealing with betrayal or broken trust, one of the key lessons I’ve learned is that details aren’t always helpful. While it’s important to gather enough information to understand the situation, endlessly seeking out every detail can compound your hurt rather than help you heal. Instead, aim for full disclosure rather than exhaustive discovery. Honest communication about what needs to be shared prevents ongoing surprises and allows for clearer boundaries.
Step 1: Observing Reactions
In the initial stages of addressing betrayal, pay close attention to the reactions of the person who has betrayed you. Reactions often reveal the direction the repair process might take. Some individuals may respond humbly, even if they’re initially shocked. Shock is natural—it’s uncomfortable to be confronted with wrongdoing. However, watch for their ability to self-regulate.
Signs of a constructive reaction include:
- Remaining calm without resorting to accusations or blame.
- Acknowledging undeniable evidence rather than denying it.
If their reaction is defensive, harsh, or dismissive, this may indicate challenges ahead. On the other hand, humility and gentleness signal a willingness to work toward repair.
Step 2: Taking Responsibility
Accountability is vital for rebuilding trust. The person who has betrayed must take full responsibility for their actions. This does not mean dredging up past mistakes from both sides to deflect blame. Avoid falling into the trap of “quid pro quo” arguments, which often lead to defensiveness—one of the “Four Horsemen” relationship destroyers identified by Dr. John Gottman.
Instead, focus on the specific offense at hand. If other issues need addressing, set them aside for a later discussion. Clarity and focus help ensure the conversation remains productive.
Step 3: Seeking to Understand the Impact
True healing begins when the betrayer seeks to understand not just what they did but how their actions have affected you. Acknowledging the emotional and psychological toll is crucial. A response like, “I see how much this has hurt you, and I understand why you would hesitate to trust me again,” can validate your feelings and lay the groundwork for rebuilding trust.
This process involves recognizing the cost of betrayal—not just in the immediate moment but in the broader context of your life story. For some, betrayal may trigger past traumas, such as childhood abuse or earlier instances of broken trust. Addressing these layers of impact requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to explore how the betrayal fits into a larger narrative of pain.
The Physical and Emotional Fallout
Betrayal affects more than emotions; it can have physical and neurological consequences. When I experienced a deep betrayal, I chose to have my brain scanned to understand the toll it had taken. Dr. Daniel Amen revealed that four anxiety centers in my brain were consistently overactive, forming what he called a “trauma diamond.” This visible impact demonstrated the profound effect betrayal can have on mental and physical health.
Moving Forward
Healing from betrayal is a layered process that requires courage, honesty, and empathy from both parties. By focusing on full disclosure, accountability, and understanding the true impact of actions, it’s possible to take meaningful steps toward repair. However, recognizing the depth of the pain caused and the changes required to rebuild trust is essential for lasting transformation.
Whether you’re navigating broken trust in a marriage, friendship, or other intimate relationship, these principles can guide you toward healing and understanding.