It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way

Lysa TerKeurst sits down with Chad Veach for Praise on TBN. Lysa shares her testimony of redemption in her marriage, and healing from disappointment. She reflects about being on the verge of divorce after her husband’s infidelity, and how God met her in her darkest moments.

situation that I was walking through with my husband, art.
And, um, in February of 2016, I found out that um, he was having an affair, and it rocked me to my core.
I I I really honestly can’t even still now to this day, I can’t even put into words what, um, what level of shock I was walking through.
So, um, I remember part of the journey that I had to go through without knowing whether we were gonna reconcile or not.
I I needed to pursue redemption.
And I think that’s an important point for people to understand is that redemption and reconciliation don’t have to hold hands.
So reconciliation depends on another person being repentant and making choices that lead to a reconciliation.
And that’s what can be so frustrating when you’re in the messy middle place of saying it’s not supposed to be this way, but how do I get out of it?
you know, it can feel like the only way to reconcile, the only way to redemption with god is reconciliation.
That’s not true. You can have absolute redemption with god.
You can pursue redemption with god even if the reconciliation never happens. That’s one choice away.
That’s just saying god you are a redeemer, and I need you to, to redeem me in the middle of this.
And so, um, I remember I was pursuing that redemption with god And part of that was to write an impact letter to forgive my husband for what had happened.
And, um, with forgiveness hard because there’s layers to forgiveness. As Christians, we know we’re supposed to forgive.
Yep. But, uh, for me, I could forgive the facts of what happened That was the easier part of forgiveness.
What was harder is for giving the impact that all of that had on me. Sure.
I never struggled with anxiety. And now all of a sudden, I’m in a situate that I am more anxious than ever before.
So I was writing this impact letter, and I remember I wrote down, I haven’t just been broken into pieces.
I have been shattered. And you know, when when broken this happens, there’s a wonderful Christian picture that we have in our brain of, like, picking up the broken pieces, gluing them back together, and god’s light can shine through that brokenness and Yay, you know, sing a praise song
and — Right. Right. Right.
— view the the, like, tick or take parade.
Sure. Sure. Sure.
But that wasn’t my story. I looked around it. I didn’t see broken pieces to glue back together.
I saw nothing but dust. I was that shattered.
So I’m writing this letter And all of a sudden, I remembered Genesis in Genesis too that god of all the ingredients in the world, he had access to everything.
He chose dust to use to make his favorite creation, mankind.
And so he picks up the dust and he breathes into it.
And so the letter, the impact letter took a dramatic turn.
and instead of me ending with how shattered I was, I ended with saying dust doesn’t signify an end.
with god, dust is often what must be present for a brand new to begin. Wow.
And I remember those are the kind of moments that I had And that’s what’s recorded in this book.
It’s it’s it’s the depth of pain, but also the magnitude of the presence of god to literally take my pen and write a redemptive message and to show me how to pursue redemption and and a redeeming quality in the midst of a story that was so brutally difficult.
Wow. So talk to me, you know, you’ve you find out you discover, and you’ve been with your husband for how long?
A long time. I mean, I’ve been with him longer than I was without him.
So, like, my whole adult life.
Right. And so this this is revealed. And and you’re feeling things you’ve never felt before.
Yep.
Even though you’re prepared, it doesn’t take away the emotion.
That’s right. And the preparation help me have that initial response of this isn’t who you are.
Um, but then, uh, I I I crawled in my bed and and wept like I’ve never wept before.
And I I felt as if the world was caving in on me.
I mean, not just not just my circumstances, but I really felt like my future You know, sometimes we feel like the world’s caving in on us because the present circumstance is pressing really hard, but we know in a week, a month, a year, it’s gonna be better.
Right? This this was not bad. This was my entire future.
I I felt like in that moment, I was gonna lose my my marriage.
I was gonna lose the legacy that art and I had built with my kids.
I I had so much emotional turmoil that I remember I went to my counselor, and my counselor just read this book and, He said to me, Lisa, your body is gonna keep the score.
You’ve got to learn how to process this emotion.
And if you don’t, it, it’s gonna harm you physically as well as emotionally.
Um, and I wanted to. I just didn’t know how. I was hurting so deeply.
And I kept telling my friends, I feel like my body inside, my insides are just twisted up in a knot.
And, um, and little did I know that that’s exactly what was physically happening on an emotional sense, but also on a physical sense too.
because a couple of months into this journey, um, I woke up one morning. I stepped out of bed.
I was in so much physical pain. I couldn’t process what was happening to me. I collapsed beside my bed.
My family rushed me to the hospital, and I was in excruciating pain So they admitted me to the hospital because of the pain, and they started running tests, and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
And I laid in that hospital bed, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday morning, in more pain than than what I could even express.
And I remember the doctors kept saying we can’t figure it out, and I kept saying, I know something’s terribly wrong with me.
And then Friday morning, a surgeon came in to the room.
And he said, Lisa, I ran one last test and we finally figured out what’s happened.
The right side of your colon has ripped away from the abdominal wall It is wrapped around the left side, and it’s cut the blood flow off inside of you.
And we’ve gotta rush you into emergency surgery. Yes.
And
he said, and by the way, I know you’ve been praying for god to take away that pain, but I thank god that he didn’t answer that prayer, because had he taken away the pain?
We would have sent you home and your colon would have ruptured, and you would have you would have died.
And I remember as they were wheeling me back into surgery, I was having all kinds of chaotic thoughts about my situation, but the one thing that brought me so much peace is God was not a far removed god in my physical pain.
I believe it probably took every bit of holy restraint for god not to answer my prayer.
Wow.
Because he loved me that much because god loves us too much to answer our prayers at any other time in the right time.
and in any other way than the right way.
And that’s true in a physical sense, but it’s also true in emotional sense, too.
Yeah.
So god taught me a lot about pain in the season.
Sweet. So here here you go.
You face this emotional pain and this physical pain do do you ever go to a dark place mentally?
Oh, the all the all the scriptures, you know, I I I ask you that with with a lot of respect.
You’ve written how many books you’re a New York Times bestseller, uh, millions of people being ministered to through Proverbs 31.
I mean, from a distance from the outside you are, you’ve got it all together. I’ve been to your home.
Your home is immaculate. it it it it, you know,
it’s — Not today.
But but there’s no food there because of the whole fasting thing, but but I but I enjoy going there.
But, But but did did you ever go to a dark place?
Of course. I did. Of course.
Talk to me about that because I I need to know.
It will it will help me personally just knowing that you also because I think some people look at someone like you with so much success, so much going for you, and Talk to me.
What does that look like for you?
To me, it was god’s promises seemed doubtful.
his lack of intervention hurtful, and his timing questionable.
Wow.
And that those were the moments where I was like, you know, god, I feel like somehow I have fallen through the cracks of your good plan.
And I think a lot of people feel that way.
Absolutely.
I I think I think it’s hard.
I think those 3 things, you know, when his promises seem to apply that everyone else around you.
you know, when they’re walking in the blessing of a promise — Mhmm.
— and you’re just in the process of a promise. Right. It feels unfair.
Right.
And when his timing is so difficult, you know, 2016 was a year of extreme highs and extreme lows.
I mean, here I was walking through the most devastating situation with my husband, and 3 of my 5 kids got married in 2016.
Jeez.
You know, so that the when god said you need to trust my timing, like, that was a really hard it was easy in the moment, praying and fasting, like, you forgot to trust your timing.
until I knew what that really meant. Right.
And sitting in all those wedding ceremonies and not telling my kids what we were going through because I didn’t wanna ruin their special day, so carrying it inside.
Yes. You know, it was yeah. Of course, I had the darkest moments of my life.
Wow.
And and when I felt like god could fix this, and yet he was choosing not to.
That’s hard. You see, we serve a really good god.
Yeah.
But we also serve a really good god who does allow hurt.
And that’s at that point where our feelings and our faith come in conflict sometimes.
Right.
And that’s those dark moments of the soul where I don’t I don’t have a quick, easy answer for you, Chad.
What what I can say, it’s in those moments where I felt my fate slipping.
that I had to call my friends and say, help me stand on your faith —
Yes.
— today. And you you were one of those friends.
We had we had a conversation in the midst of some of my darkest times and you know, I am thankful.
I’m thankful that, um, that I picked up the phone. Yeah.
And I’m thankful that I had other people who could speak life back into me in those moments, but you know, some some moments, you’re gonna feel like the victory is possible.
In some moments, you’re gonna feel like a victim of your circumstances, and you’re not sure which way this whole thing’s gonna turn out.
I I I love what you’re saying because I always feel like that proverb is so true.
A man that isolates himself seeks his own desire enrages against all wisdom.
So but most of us, when we get into a dark place, we wanna hide. We wanna stay in bed.
We don’t wanna talk to anybody. but I love that you were smart enough to go.
I’m I’m gonna get around people. I’m gonna pick up the phone.
But let me say I did not want to do this. Sure. Let me tell you.
Like, I can isolate with the best of them. You know? Let me tell you my moments of isolation.
I am not fasting. I’m eating whatever I wanna eat in those moments. Okay?
Right.
So but I did I did this thing, and it was so outside of my comfort zone.
And so not what I wanted to do, but I made myself go on a pilgrimage of visiting people who I knew I could I could stand on their fate, even if it was just for a couple of days.
I remember I called my friend Shelley Gigleo. I went and stayed at her house for a couple of days.
I called my friend Colette, went and stayed at her house — Wow.
— for a week, and then another week. And then it may have been a 3rd week.
I I went and visited friends in Nash bill.
And when I couldn’t go visit people, I picked up the phone, and I called them.
None of those things felt comfortable, but I was blessed every single time.
Wow.
It was like the lord had little gifts for me tucked inside those people waiting.
I just had to take that step and make the connection.
I love that. Talk to me about, uh, breast cancer.
Talk to me about, you know, maybe some people are watching and going, okay.
I maybe those 2, you know, she sorted that, but it just Kelly kept going for a while.
Yeah. Talk to me about that.
So in June of 2017, I thought Art and I were about to reconcile and that things were really turning around.
And then the bottom fell out of our world again.
and some things cycled back into his life that, um, I remember I wrote a blog finally telling the world what we are walking through.
because at that point, it was either gonna be shared with the rumor mill, or I was gonna get in front of it and share it with truth.
And so, I was devastated to write that I’d said to my husband, I can love you, and I can forgive you, but I will not share you.
And, um, so that was in June. And, um, at that point, I decided to take a sabbatical.
So, um, I spent a good long season of quiet and, um, and trying to get my bearings once again from just my world being turned upside down again.
And so I made a bunch of appointments. because I don’t sit still really well.
And so, um, I just wanted to go through all the appointments you’re supposed to do that I never had time to do when I’m in busy, ministry life, and everything.
So one of those was to go get a mammogram, and it wasn’t time for me to get a mammogram, but, um, and I’ve had so many clear test that I didn’t really feel like it was necessary, but I thought it’s on the list.
I should just check it off, and that way I won’t have to go next year.
And, um, little did I know that I would get a callback and, um, for another appointment?
And then I would get another callback. and then they requested a biopsy.
And then there was a day that I sat in a very pink office in a pink chair and watch the doctors attach the word cancer to my life.
and I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
And, um, in kind of a crazy way, art was determined he was gonna walk through this with me.
And, um, so he was sitting right there. And I remember I pulled up a a chair that was empty.
So it was art, myself, and the doctor, and I pulled up one more chair.
because I thought I’m not doing this without you, Jesus.
And so I just had to see that he was there too. Wow.
And then we got in the car and I thought, what do you do after you get the nausea of breast cancer?
Like, How do you how do you do this? And I remember telling the lord, like, this is too much.
There’s a lot of people praying for me, and they’re gonna be really mad.
that this is part of this story now too.
Like, I’m gonna go home and write in my book about me and now having Prescott Sorry. You know?
God, they’re gonna be mad at you.
They’re gonna be so mad at you. Um, but, you know, again, I mean, Wow.
God didn’t do this to me. He didn’t. This isn’t the way that he designed the world to be.
People are not supposed to get cancer or their husband have an affair.
I mean, this isn’t what he designed this world to be. Send it that to this world. Mhmm.
Send broke god’s original design.
Wow.
And so in between the first two chapters of Genesis and the last two chapters of Revelation, That’s god’s love letter to us to say, I understand.
God sees you, my friend. He sees you. He knows exactly what you’re facing.
That’s right.
He knows the depth of hurt and pain that you’re walking through As a matter of fact, some of my favorite verses are in mark chapter 14.
There are no words of Jesus I relate to more than when he’s in the garden of Yosemite, and he cries out to his father.
My soul is overwhelmed with SARS to the point of death.
God everything is possible for you take this from me. That’s what Jesus says, his father.
And so he knows He knows what it feels like to be walking through something that that you feel like this is gonna kill me.
God changed the plan. I don’t want this to be my story, and maybe you’re there right now, my friend.
I understand, but even more importantly, Jesus understands.
And then Jesus turns it around by uttering these 9 earth shaking hell shattering, demon quaking words of trusting god, and he says, yet, not what I will, but what you will Mhmm.
And that’s the place I had to get to in this whole journey.
I had to say, god, I guess If I knew what you know, maybe I could be brave enough to choose what you’ve chosen.
Wow. But since I don’t know what you know, I better stay real close to you.
Yes.
So that you can reveal good to me, that you’ve promised you’ve promised good will come.
Beautiful.
And I don’t see it, and I don’t like the way it looks right now.
Right.
But somehow in the heavenly realms, You are shifting and arranging a good that I would choose.
if only I could have been brave enough to do it.
Wow. Beautiful.