How To Release What We Think Is Best

When I struggle with trust, I often try to control the situation. While I don’t physically attempt to control others, here’s what tends to happen to me: I feel the need to think of everything I can say to steer the narrative back to what I believe is best. I want to make sure people understand that if they make certain decisions, I can foresee disaster ahead. I can picture the train wreck coming, and I don’t think they see it. If that train hits them, it will impact me too.

It’s not that I want to control your actions; I just feel the need to manage what seems out of control so I can bring peace and security back into my life. I realize this might look like control, but ultimately, it’s about trying to control myself. I want to acknowledge that, no matter your motives, you’re really trying to keep yourself safe, aren’t you? Even if your actions seem unhealthy, the underlying intention is about safety.

The problem I face is that I often try to control things that I simply can’t. I start spiraling in my thoughts, focusing on your decisions. I can’t control what you do, but when it impacts me, my brain tricks me into thinking I can influence things. I tell myself that if I just say the right thing, if I show you the right solution, maybe you’ll realize you’re making the wrong choice. It feels rewarding in the moment, as my brain releases dopamine, which boosts my energy and focus.

This mental cycle often hits late at night. I try to process my thoughts with my husband, Chaz, but he’s usually tired by 9 p.m. He’s the type of person who can go from being fully energized to completely exhausted in seconds. When this happens, I spiral, thinking, “If I don’t control this, it’ll be out of my hands!” I feel the urge to talk things through, convinced that if I do, it’ll fix everything. But more often than not, Chaz suggests we talk in the morning. While that sounds peaceful, I end up spending the whole night spiraling.

One night, I insisted we talk then and there. The conversation didn’t go well, of course, because nothing gets resolved late at night. I often try to invite others into my thought process, believing it will help, but it doesn’t. What I really want is to feel safe, but instead of saying, “I’m scared” or “I don’t feel safe,” I keep talking, hoping that eventually, I’ll get the answers I’m looking for. But that just prolongs the spiral and frustrates those I’m talking to, while exhausting me.

In the end, I always come to the same conclusion: I cannot control what’s beyond my ability to influence.

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