Why Reflecting on the Past Can Be Dangerous | Therapy & Theology

When the Past Becomes a Trap: Finding Healing Through Honest Acceptance

One of the most challenging parts of acceptance is not only acknowledging what happened, but refusing to slip back into a romanticized version of the past. During my own journey toward healing after divorce, I had to confront the temptation to mentally rewrite history—turning painful years into something softer, safer, and unreal. But doing so only deepened my grief.

This struggle is as old as Scripture. Israel longed to go back to Egypt, forgetting the brutal reality of slavery and remembering only scraps of comfort. We do the same when we magnify a few pleasant memories and minimize the heartbreak that existed underneath. Those tiny fragments of love can’t carry the weight of our whole hope, and eventually they collapse—just like my son trying to hang heavy lacrosse gear on hooks meant only for light hats.

I recently spoke with a friend navigating an unwanted divorce. She was triggered by something as simple as opening her cabinet and seeing towels her husband used to fold. Those towels felt like the last pieces of a life slipping away. I understood her pain completely. But I gently invited her into a dose of reality—a truth therapy taught me. Those towels were folded during a season of betrayal. It’s tempting to see them as evidence of love, yet the fuller truth keeps her grounded.

Then I reminded her of something empowering: when those towels are gone, she gets to decide how the new ones will be folded. Rolled, squared, stacked, or not folded at all. It was a simple image, but it restored a sense of agency—something grief often steals from us. She stopped crying and said, “I needed this today.”

After that conversation, a man at the airport told me he’d overheard part of what I said—and that it impacted him in the best way. It reminded me how often healing spreads quietly, through ordinary people offering honesty and compassion.

Real acceptance requires a commitment to truth—not exaggerating the good, not erasing the painful, and not resisting reality. Time may soften the intensity of grief, but only acceptance brings closure. Resisting the truth will only twist your heart into deeper hopelessness.

I’ve walked through these stages myself. I’ve been triggered. I’ve grieved. And I’ve also moved forward. After years of believing I’d never love again, God brought Chaz into my life—a man who helped me see what a healthy marriage can look like. But even so, I don’t place my hope in him. My hope rests in Christ alone—the only One who already stands in our future.

Wherever you are in your healing journey, thank you for joining this season of Therapy & Theology. My prayer is that these words help you hold space for truth, embrace acceptance, and step with courage into the life that’s still ahead of you.