How To Respond to Someone’s Anger | Therapy & Theology | Lysa TerKeurst

Join Lysa TerKeurst; her licensed professional counselor, Jim Cress; and Proverbs 31 Ministries’ Director of Theological Research, Dr. Joel Muddamalle, for a conversation about therapy and theology.

This video is taken from the Therapy & Theology series Let’s Stop Avoiding This Conversation: 6 Topics Women Have Big Questions About.

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Want more wisdom as you navigate hard relationship dynamics? Find practical next steps, powerful scriptures and timely guidance on how to set realistic, healthy boundaries in Lysa TerKeurst’s new book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” In the pages of this book, Lysa’s personal counselor, Jim Cress, also provides therapeutic insight surrounding the topic of boundaries, helping you confidently apply what you read

This the verbal onslaught of maybe someone’s angry, and they just come out exploding with words that are just incredibly hurtful, or they have this passive aggressive nature where
That’s the one that scares me.
Okay. So common comment on that because that’s also a form of a Michelin.
Here’s what I say y’all is I’ve gotten as I’ve turned 60 and I’m older now, and older therapist.
Uh, I just do I make up stuff. And this is the one I made up. You know what, bro?
I’m not worried about your motive because I don’t know if I know are you trying to do all this, but your modus operandi, your method of operating.
Well, I got angry. The Bible says it’s a commanded imperative. This be angry, but don’t send.
I’m not gonna fight him on why I wasn’t trying I I get it.
And maybe what you don’t work out, you’ll act out.
We know the anger of man doesn’t bring about the righteousness of god.
So instead of wrestling with him around on it, is it his motive to be angry and say, will you read the room and know your audience?
Your wife feels scared and unsafe when you do this? I no longer care about your motive.
So with that, if a woman, again, in many cases, say, do you feel safe? Do you feel threatened?
No. I don’t feel safe. I do feel threatened when he just raises his voice.
And I’m a say one more other little caveat.
I work with people with some great compassion on my part meaning this.
I love it when I see people raise their voice, you yell, maybe cuss in a session, or something else, and and they’re getting big, as I call it.
And I look, and I go, I don’t think you’re aware how big you are.
That’s why I love having a therapist in the room to go, may I give you feedback of how, and I’m a dude?
Let me tell you how I’m experiencing you. And sometimes the woman has gotten really loud and big.
And I say, ma’am, are you would you let me tell you how I experience you?
And that’s data versus 2 people by themselves, but he may not think some people would, but he may not think he’s getting all big and angry.
He may not see it. Plus anger tends to blind the mind so much that that I’ll be more of that limbic brain that I cognitively don’t even think I’m right now, and I am.
And what about the passive aggressive stuff?
Well, I think the passive aggressive matter of fact, Joel, I’m just gonna say I’m confident I don’t think I think about it, is that is, uh, purely by design.
Uh, you wanna watch out. It’s the carbon monoxide ID relationship. It’s colorless odorless tasteless gas.
The Bible says there’s a man whose words are smooth as oil.
Oh, listen to that, but in those words are dagger And so that is more, I think, I believe, is intentional.
I’m aware I’m doing it. My job is to spray WD 40 in front of you on a top for and watch you slip.
I’m gonna dis regulate you.
I think he has mostly, he or she, largely, if not fully aware that I’m gonna do this to get you dysregulated.
And,
again, a possible sign of emotional abuse.
Absolutely. Check your body. Why do I feel like something’s going on here?
Why do I why I don’t even know what’s going on?
I call you when I call I call that relational vertigo.
You think of what vertigo got But there’s a relational where it go.
I feel lots of things are spinning. I would pay attention to the spinning, and then go talk to someone.