male announcer: In Touch, the teaching ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley. Next on “In Touch,” “Peace With One Another.” Dr. Charles Stanley: Would you consider the environment in which you live, in which you work a peaceful environment? Or would you have to say, “No, it is an environment of conflict, there’s contention.

There is a sense of resentment that I feel. There’s discord, there’s anger, and sometimes hostility.” Well, if that’s the kind of environment you live in then it’s not a happy environment. And if it’s not a happy environment, more than likely you’re feeling hurt. And it could be that you could feel harm, and certainly heartbreak.

And the question is, why do we have to live like that? Why can’t we have peace with each other? When I think about what the Bible teaches about our relationships with each other, scripture says that we are to build up one another, we’re to love one another, we’re to accept one another, we are to serve one another, and we’re to comfort one another.

We’re to help one another, we’re to pray for one another. So many times, God says, “This is the way you should treat one another.” And yet most of us would have to admit that a lot of people we know, most people we know don’t work in those kind of situations, don’t live in those kind of homes, don’t go to school in those kind of environments.

And we wonder what in the world is wrong. Why can’t we live with each other? Well, that’s what I want to talk about in this message and I want you to turn if you will to the book of Romans. Because the Apostle Paul gives us some very clear instruction here that I think would be good for all of us to consider at this time.

And now in this message I’m talking about personal relationships. I’m not talking about nations warring against each other. I’m talking about personal relationships. In this twelfth chapter of Romans, he is admonishing us, how we’re to treat one another. And I want us to come down to this seventeenth verse and listen to what he says when he says: “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.

Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY, says the Lord. BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.

‘ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Now it’s very interesting in the scriptures that God gives us very clear instructions how we’re to treat each other. Now you say, “You mean to tell me that even though you’re a Christian that you can’t always live peaceably with everyone?” Listen to what he said.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you.” You can’t control someone else’s life. “If possible, so far as it depends upon you,” we are to live, he says, “with peace with all men.” And so, the problem is we have this sinfulness within us; our capacity, our propensity toward sin; our humanness, our naturalness when the Spirit of God is not in control of our life.

What are we doing? We’re just acting out our normalness just like the unbeliever does. And so that’s the major root cause. And because that’s the root cause, that’s what we have to deal with. We can have differences of opinion, and we can have differences and ideas of behavior, and we have to decide, “Do we want peace or do we not?” And you see, the truth is that’s a choice we make.

It’s a choice you and I make, whether we want to live in peace or whether we do not want to live in peace. Now, with that in mind, let’s think about the course of action that you and I should take when we really and truly desire to live in peace with someone or some group of people, or whatever it might be.

Now, let’s look at this for a moment because I want you to see there are two qualifications here. He says, “If possible,” and “so far as it depends upon you.” So okay, let’s think about it in this light. Let’s decide first of all that we are going to live at, in peace with someone.

We really desire to do that and so we have an argument or a problem, a major problem that comes up. How do we deal with this? So, I want you to list these things because they’re very important, very simple but not always easy to do. Now if you’re going to live at peace with someone and there is a dispute, no matter what it is, it can be very, very difficult and complicated, or it could be something not so difficult and complicated.

The will of God is that you and I be at peace with that person. Here’s the first issue. You listening? Say, “Amen.” Here’s the first issue. The first issue I have to decide is this. Is this relationship valuable enough to me that I want to preserve this relationship by learning to live in peace with this person or with these people? Number one question: Do I value this relationship? Do I value it enough that I’m willing to learn how-to live in peace with this person? If you don’t place any value on it.

If you say, “Well, you know what? This friendship’s okay but it’s not worth it.” Then, my friend, what you’ve done is you have pulled down the shade, you’ve built up the wall, you’ve closed the curtains, and what you’re saying is, “I don’t want peace. I don’t want this kind of relationship.

” But let’s say, for example, you say “yes” to that question. Yes, this relationship is valuable enough for me to save it if I possibly can. It’s valuable enough for me to do whatever is necessary for me to do. So, that’s number one. So, you’ve settled that issue. Second step is this.

Start talking. You say, “Well, that’s the problem, there’s too much talk.” No, now watch this. When two people are talking and they’re willing to keep on talking, and number three they’re willing to keep on listening, it’s not enough to talk. I must be willing to learn how to listen.

If I value the relationship and I’m willing to talk about the disagreement, lay it on the table, put it out there. I’m willing to talk about it and I’m willing to listen to the other person. You see, when people stop talking it’s all over. When a person clams up, pulls down the shade– and you know, there’ve been a few times in my life that I’ve talked to people and wanted to settle an issue, and at a given moment I could tell you exactly what happened.

They pulled the shade down emotionally right in front of me and shut me out. Immediately they started building this wall of defense. You could see the drapes in their mind closing. “I do not want to hear any more of this. I do not want to hear your opinion. I’m not interested. Forget it!” When you do that, you have placed disaster over that relationship.

You’ve got to be willing to keep talking. You’ve got to be willing to keep listening. And you see next, you’ve got to be willing to be honest, open, and transparent. That is, “You know what? I do make mistakes. I could be wrong about this. I’m–I have a weakness at this point in my life.

I don’t–I know that sometimes I’m not right and maybe I think I’m right here but you know it’s possible that I, that I’m not right.” And so what you have to do is be open and transparent and honest and then here is the major issue. You have to get to the root cause. What is–that is, what is the real issue between us? Not some surface idea, what’s the real issue? What’s the bottom line? Why is it that we can’t have peace with each other? Is it something back in our past?

Is it something really, we’re doing now? Is it the way we think? Have we been so taught as kids growing up that this is what you should expect? In other words, what is the root cause? Now, you see, that’s the thing that often times is difficult to arrive at. What’s the root cause? And if a person says, “Well, the root cause is because you.

” Then more than likely shade comes down, wall goes up, curtains get drawn. That’s not the way to do it. We said being open, honest, and transparent. Being willing to admit you know that I could be wrong. But you see, if I’m willing, if I’m really, really and truly willing to search for the root cause, then what I’m saying is, “You know, maybe I don’t know why we’re not getting along.

Maybe, maybe I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.” And so you work at finding the root cause. If you can’t find it, then you find someone who is a godly counselor, and I want to underline, circle, and put parentheses and quotation marks on the “godly.” Because wrong counsel can destroy any relationship.

And so maybe you can’t find the root cause, so you find someone who will help you discover what it is. And often times it is, it is a way of thinking that was developed way back yonder somewhere. Sometimes it’s because of the way you were treated. Sometimes it’s because of the kind of environment you grew up in, and so that’s all you know.

That’s what you expect. It never dawned on you that somebody else could think differently. “This is where I came from, this is what I was taught. And now you’re expecting me to be different.” But it could be that you need to be different. It could be that you need to ask yourself the question, “Am I responding the way I saw my parents respond?” Am I saying things that I heard my father say? Am I acting in a way that my mother acted? Am I being domineering because that’s what

my mother was? Am I being sorta lackadaisical because that’s the way my father was?” In other words, what’s the real root cause? And I do believe with all of my heart that if people are willing to talk and to listen to each other and don’t clam up and don’t shut ’em out and don’t reject them and don’t accuse and don’t blame, just listen.

Just talk. Find the root cause. Because there is one. There may be more than one thing, but find it. And you see, you will search for it on the basis of the value you place on that relationship. And if you, if you love that person. Listen, don’t tell me you love somebody, but you’re not willing to find the root cause.

Don’t tell me you love somebody, but you’re not willing to talk. Don’t say, “Yes, I love that person, but.” If you have to put a “but” behind your love, more than likely you just cancel what you said. It’s not, “I love you, but.” And it’s not, “I love you, if.

” That puts it all conditional. But you’re willing to find out what the root cause is. Now, once you find out what it is, you are willing–listen, you say, “I’m willing to work at this. I see my part of this.” It may be from your perspective that most of it’s the other person’s fault, but don’t tell ’em that.

You say, “You know what? I’m gonna work at this. Let’s work at this together.” And then sit down and evaluate as things come up. Does that mean just because you discover the root cause that’s the end of it? No, then you have to deal with it. And sometimes that’s dealing with habits.

Sometimes it’s dealing with thought patterns that have been in your life since you were a kid. Maybe you grew up in a situation that you had the survival, listen, you had the survival mode. Man, it’s survive in this life. So, what happens? You may be a little hard. You may be a little difficult to get along with until you find– listen, you don’t have to survive.

Just let somebody love you. You know, when someone doesn’t know how to be loved. Maybe they’ve never loved, they’ve never felt it, they don’t know how to be loved, they don’t know how to express love. It’s very difficult to live with someone who does not know how to love, does not know how to accept it.

And so often times your attempt to love them, they totally misunderstand. But you’re willing to evaluate it. And if necessary, you’re willing to find some godly counsel. And you’re willing–listen, you’re willing to keep on working at it because you value that relationship. Now. Notice what he says here.

Two things. “If possible,” sometimes it’s not possible. But now watch this. “So far as it depends on you.” That is, we have a responsibility. So, here’s the question. Now watch this. You listening? Say, “Amen.” How far? “So far as it depends on you.” Say, “Okay, well now how far am I to go?” You say, “Well, the Bible doesn’t tell me how far I am to go.

” Yes, it does. Here’s how far you and I are to go. We’re to go as far as possible, within the strength and the grace and the goodness and the love that God gives us, to the point of the violation of a spiritual, scriptural principle. When it requires me to violate a principle of scripture, forget the peace.

God does not require us to violate a principle of scripture because every single one of them is holy. He does not require of us to violate a principle of scripture in order to have peace with someone. So, when He says, “If possible,” most of the time it oughta be possible, sometime it’s not.

“So far as it depends on you.” How far am I to go? I’m to go the second, third, fourth, tenth, hundredth mile up to the point where it means I have to violate the Word of God. I am not required to violate the Word of God in order to create peace. So, let’s say that you come to one of those situations and it looks like it’s impossible.

You’ve done your best, you’ve done your all and you say, “God, I don’t know what to do.” Then here’s what you do. Listen carefully. You ask God to show you what to do. Now listen carefully. Don’t go running off to your friends to ask them, “Now let me tell you what’s going, what do you think I oughta do.

” Well, your friends are gonna say, “Well, here’s what I think you oughta do.” They’ve only heard your side of the story. Number one. And secondly, they may be so carnally minded themselves. They may have been in the same situation, and they may have made the wrong choices. You know what? They feel better you making the same choice they made.

Don’t go to your friends. Go to a wise godly counselor. If you’re going to someone, you ask the Lord first to show you what to do and then He’ll show you exactly what to do. At least, most of the times I think it’ll be clear. But if you want a confirmation, you find a godly counselor and you be sure–listen, you make sure that what they tell you is consistent with the living Word of God.

Then your conscience can be clear. Then you can move on in life and do whatever God’s called you to do in life. But your conscience has gotta be clear. You’ve done your best, you’ve done your all. You’re seeking godly guidance. And, you have the right attitude. Now what’s the right attitude? Four things I want you to jot down.

I will only do that in the right Spirit if I have the proper attitude. And what is a proper attitude? A pure heart. Now while you’re writing that down, I want to go back to Mark chapter nine for a moment A pure heart. Mark chapter nine, verse fifty says, “Salt is good, but if the salt becomes unsalty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves,” He says, “and be at peace with one another.

” Now the ancients in those days believed that salt was the purest thing they had. And it came from the purest thing they knew, and that is the sun and the sea, they believed were the purest things that it existed, and that salt was a result of that. So what is Jesus saying here? He’s saying, “Have salt.

” That is, have a purifying influence within you, that is the Spirit of Christ. What is the Spirit of Christ? Forgiveness, love, understanding. So, first of all our spirit must be the spirit of purity. I want the life of Christ to dictate what I feel. Secondly is love. What did He say? John 13:34-35. He says, “I’ve given you the– I’ve given you the gift of love, the spirit of love.

” The spirit of love is to control your life. This is how the world will know that we’re His disciples. So, I have to love that person. Now watch this. You’re saying, “Let me tell you something, buddy. You don’t know how I’ve been treated, and you don’t know how people. You mean to tell me I’m to love the other person?” Yes.

Can you do it without being a Christian? I doubt it. “Well, how can I love somebody who’s mistreated me so long?” By the grace of God. By the power of the Holy Spirit. Because here’s what He does. The Holy Spirit enables you to look beyond the person’s actions, beyond their behavior, and see them as a person.

And sometimes you’ll begin to realize what motivated them. Why did they act this way? Why did they treat you this way? And you begin to realize that something back yonder in their life was so messed up and so twisted and so bent that they’re just acting out that kind of conduct. So, first of all, there must be a pure heart.

Love, and thirdly, patience. And I want you to look in Colossians chapter three for a moment because I’m only mentioning patience, but patience happens to be in this passage, a part of the Christian graces. And notice if you will what else is mentioned here right around how it’s surrounded with these other ideas and thoughts.

Listen, if you will in the twelfth verse of Colossians chapter three: “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another.” That is, you’re willing to acknowledge, here’s what’s going on.

” Now listen to this. We may be mistreated, and somebody may not want to have peace and live with us, whatever it might be. But you and I can never, never justify an unforgiving spirit. I may not like, I may not be able to live with a person or have business relations with that person, may not be able to be a friend to that person because they have chosen otherwise.

But if my heart is right and I can love that person beyond what they do. And I can be patient with them. And I can be forgiving because when I look at my life and you look at your life, look what Jesus has forgiven you for. When He went to the cross, He made it possible for us to be forgiven of anything and everything.

How can I hold an unforgiving spirit toward someone when Jesus doesn’t hold that against me when my life has been often times an act of disobedience toward God? I may not like the person. I may not ever associate with them again. I may have no business dealings with them. May not ever be able to be their friend because of their actions toward me, but you know what? Watch this.

If I want peace within myself, I have to be sure I have peace with that person. They don’t have to have peace toward me. You see, I must be forgiving, patient, and loving with a pure heart. And then if the person walks away, I’m not responsible. To choose not to be my friend, not responsible. Choose not to work with me, I’m not responsible.

What did I do? I went so far that I did everything in my human godly power and ability and gifts and knowledge and understanding, to the point of violating the scripture and that’s as far as I could go. Some of you are living in that kind of a situation, circumstance. Some of you are working with people who don’t like you.

And they’re sorta after you and you’re trying to figure out how am I to live in this situation? How am I to work in this office with this kind of a circumstance? If you will practice not in your own strength, it’s not gonna work, by the power of the Holy Spirit who lives within You, these simple principles, God will make you the victor.

He will give you power to overcome in the process of the pain, He will grow you and mature you and bless you in ways you never dreamed of. ♪♪♪