When We Are Abused – Dr. Charles Stanley

There is no easy road to recovering from abuse, but spiritual healing awaits—beginning with a relationship with Jesus Christ. Dr. Stanley explains how only God can restore the health of those who have been abused and that He will make them whole again as they grow in His love.

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In touch, the teaching ministry of Doctor Charles Stanley, reaching the world with the gospel of Jesus Christ, Next on in touch when we are abused.
3 times The night before the lord Jesus Christ was crucified, he said this to his disciples.
He said, love one another. Love one another. Love one another.
And then throughout the epistles, we find the writers of the epistles saying things like this.
Accept one another, care for one another, comfort one another, be devoted to one another, build up one another, encourage one another, forgive one another, be patient with one another, be hospitable toward one another, be subject to one another, stimulate one another, serve one another.
All through the scriptures, god is giving us instructions about our relationship to each other.
And when you think about all that is said in just those phrases that I’ve given you, love one another, serving one another, encouraging each other, stimulating one another, All of this makes something very, very clear.
It is never under any circumstance, justifiable to abuse someone else.
Abuse doesn’t fit who we are as believers.
It is never the will of god for his children to be abused.
And that word today has become a very popular word.
We hear about children being abused, parents being abused, husbands and wives abusing each other, governments abusing people.
And the word simply means to harm someone to injure them in some fashion, whether it is a physical abuse, sexual abuse, whether it is verbal abuse or emotional abuse, it doesn’t make any difference.
What it is, none of that fits into what Jesus said when he said, love one another.
Be hospitable toward one another. Encourage each other. Care for one another. Comfort one another.
And so what I would like to do in this message is simply to share with you some things that are helpful I hope to people who are being abused.
In every church, all over this land and in every nation on the face of this earth, There are people by the millions and millions and millions who have been abused, who are being abused, who have no earthly idea, what to do and how to deal with that situation.
So in the 13th, 14, 15, 16th, chapters of John, This is where Jesus said to his disciples, love one another.
And so instead of taking a passage of scripture in this message, and expounding it.
I want to give you some suggestions about how to deal with this whole problem of abuse, but I wanna begin by distinguishing between abuse and discipline.
Now let me say this, that there are a lot of people who have been abused And some people would term abuse different things.
For example, if someone is just criticized, they say, well, you have abused me.
I’m not talking about simple criticism, but I’m talking about that verbal or emotional abuse that is really damaging in a person’s life.
Now when we think about abuse and we think about, uh, how people respond to it, people respond to it in all different ways.
And some people will live all of their lives and never even questioned whether they have been abused or not.
They will somehow wonder what’s going on inside of them and never be able to identify what the root cause is.
Some people know that they have been abused, but never have the courage to face up to it.
People, especially who have sexually abused early in life. They cover it up.
They keep it covered because they’re embarrassed.
Not realizing that when this happens, they, it will come out some way or the other, and it will spew out on people around them.
You cannot cover those kinds of abuses.
And so when we think about the distinction between abuse and discipline, let me just say that discipline is always directed toward a person because of their behavior, always directed toward a specific behavior.
Whereas abuse has nothing to do with a person’s behavior.
It has to do with something on the inside of the abuser, like a volcano that comes spewing out.
It is anger, hostility, fear, bitterness, resentment, whatever it might be, but it’s coming out.
And what it does, it attaches itself or respond act reacts to the person that has nothing to do with that person’s behavior.
It’s something on the inside of them.
It is a predisposition that is there and just looking for an excuse to express itself on someone else.
Behavior or rather discipline always has the best behavior of the other person in mind.
It has, as its purpose to correct something that the parent may know is not wise in the life of that child.
Whereas abuse is not concerned about someone’s behavior or someone’s best interest.
It is getting something out that is on the inside.
Discipline is rooted in law, law for a person that desires the best for them, and therefore, that discipline is exercised.
And so there’s a great distinction between being abused and being disciplined.
So Let me just begin by saying 2 things.
Number 1, I’m sure that I don’t have any earthly idea what abuse is like compared to most people.
So I would not tell you anything about myself to say, look how awful my background was, but simply to say this, I share it because I wanna say to you that if I’m willing to share it, you ought to be able and be willing to share maybe things that have hurt you in your past, that you need to deal with, and you just don’t think you can tell anybody, yes, you can, because sharing it is part of the healing process.
When I was about nine years of age, my mother married, uh, the second time my father passed away when I was nine months of age.
And so, uh, she married a man that she thought would make me a good father.
And about 2 weeks into that marriage, she realized that something was really wrong.
And the tragedy is of my mother’s marriage the second time was that all of my stepfather’s brothers and sisters told her what a wonderful man he was And what a wonderful husband he would make only for my mother to go back a few months later and question them, and this was their response.
Well, yeah, we knew he was like that.
But we thought if he got married, he would change what a devastating lie to tell my mother.
But it was devastating, and it was a lie, and they knew better, but they told her, don’t ever make up something because you think things may get better if somebody does so and so because usually they don’t.
And so it was the beginning of a horrible marriage.
And times when I was challenged in ways that I never thought I’d be challenged, Um, always criticized, always felt I was the 3rd party.
And oftentimes got in fights, My mother always defended me.
And I’m sure that I was not physically abused because my mother would have laid down her life quickly.
Before she would have allowed that to happen, though we did get in some bras.
And so by the time I was a teenager and I had seen some things go on, like my mother being choked and knowing that if I had had the privilege at the moment, no telling what I would have done, to my stepfather, if I could have at that moment, loading my gun at night and placing in the kind of the bedroom where I slept by the bed and locked in the door, because I didn’t always know what was going to happen.
And I know that may sound like, well, that doesn’t sound very Christ like right. You’re right.
But I was saved when I was twelve years of age, but I was scared.
And I didn’t know how to respond. I never read any books.
I’ve read any of this because to my knowledge, they weren’t any written.
There were no seminars, nobody to tell me, how do you grow up in this kind of a situation circumstance?
And I was not the only member of that family, uh, who was treated in that way.
The worst thing about leaving home to go to college was leaving my mother in a bad situation.
And I will not even describe all the things that went on, except to say this.
If you think that growing up in difficult circumstances does not does not have any effect on you, you better think twice because you see all of us have a tape in our mind.
And that tape has on it.
All the things that you and I began with from the time of our birth, maybe even before our birth.
And either we recognize that, identify what’s on the tape and deal with it, or we suffer from it all the days of our life.
And thank god. Thank god for people in my life who have given me direction in years past to uh, check out my own life and to be sure that I don’t have any of that hostility anger and bitterness resentment left over from things that happened to me because I have dealt with them.
But I say all that to say, I know nothing about abuse compared to what so many people suffer here, and not only in this country, but I think about people who suffer such horrible, horrible abuse in other nations of the world, the way that governments have treated them.
And the way people have have hurt, physically, sexually, spiritually, mentally, emotionally in ways that most of us will never begin to understand.
So how do you respond to all of these things?
Well, let me say, and I wanna give you a number of things, and you may just jot them down, and you may not need them at all.
Wonderful. I hope you don’t. But I’ll tell you one thing.
You either live with someone who does, or you work around someone who does, or you have a friend who does.
I guarantee you you don’t have to reach much further than arm’s length to find somebody around you who is suffering from abuse and does not know that that’s the problem, who will go through life, unable to relate, can never be satisfied, walking out of situations, things don’t get right.
They they run away, whatever it might be, not realizing that all of that stuff and junk was there, was given to them many years ago, maybe not so many years ago, and now they’re having to deal with it.
So the first thing I wanna suggest is simply this.
And that is, as you think in terms of dealing with these things and how to deal with them, number 1, to seek god’s guidance.
Lord, what would you have me to do?
Now listen, there is no pat answer as to what to do in an abusive situation.
Because all abuse is not the same, all of it is not motivated the same way.
And so to say that somebody will just get out, that is not always the answer.
And some people will use that word abuse today as an excuse to run or to escape.
We’re talking about the kind of abuse that brings great injury and great hurt.
And so here is a person, for example, who is physically being abused and physically being inflicted and injured.
Then to say to that person to stay within that situation, no.
Or someone, for example, who is being emotional abused?
Uh, you may say, well, they should just just just leave, not not you can’t say that to everybody.
For the simple reason, that’s why we say you ask god what you ought to do.
And remember this, listen carefully. God will never tell you to do anything that violates the living word of god.
Secondly, pray for the abuser.
Pray for the abuser. You say, well, I pray and pray and pray, nothing has happened.
Well, let me give you something specific to pray for.
If I had known this, when I was a kid growing up, I would have known how to better to respond to my stepfather, but I didn’t know this.
And that is pray, but god to show you what motivates that person to act the way they act.
Why does that person abuse someone else? Why do they treat someone else and try to injure them?
Well, a lot of years went by, and so I went to see my stepfather, and when my they lived my mom was still there then, and they lived together, always did till he died.
And so I went to see him to ask him to forgive me for my wrong responses to him because I’m sure I responded wrongly.
And on several, several occasions, it could have been a disaster.
And so I went to ask him to forgive me.
And I sat on across the table at lunch, and I said, uh, call him by name.
And I said, I just need to ask you to forgive me some for some things.
And I met Lehi, he said, oh, you shouldn’t. I said, no. Just let me finish.
I never accused him of anything.
I just said, I need to ask you to forgive me, uh, for some things.
And then as we began to talk, my stepfather told me about this, I wish I’d known this years ago.
He said, I it it just came out. It’s not something he intended to tell me.
He said, you know, When I was a boy, he said, I wanted to be a doctor.
And I told my father I wanted to go to college and be a doctor.
And he says, he wouldn’t let me go to college.
He made me stay on the farm and work, and he said I had to work on the farm.
He wouldn’t let me get off. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere. He just made me work every day.
He said to finally, I just left. I just picked up my little stuff, and I left. He left.
He got him a job and, uh, cooking in some little, Potoncrestaurant somewhere. He always had menial jobs.
He never did anything much to make any money. But here’s what happened to him. And here’s the reason.
I want you to listen carefully.
Because his father wouldn’t let him become a doctor and let him go to college, He developed the root of bitterness, resentment, anger, and hostility.
You can never keep these poisons to yourself. They will always erupt.
There are it’s like a volcano, ultimate’s coming out. And so what happened?
He just spewed it on everybody around him. What he was feeling toward his father.
He spute on me, my mother, his brothers, his sisters, and everybody else.
Our friends, people he worked with, he spewed all of that on them.
Now That’s what happens when the poison of bitterness, resentment, hostility, and anger is on the inside of you.
And let me say this. If you refuse to look back, If you refuse to deal with it, you are going to hurt and destroy the people you love most while you cover up what has happened in your past, you are destroying the people who are living in your present.
It happens every day, and it brings great hurt and turmoil And that’s why just to hold it down, push it down, deny it, refuse that it’s ever happened, or it’s ever been there, is stating to people who love you with all of their heart.
The third thing I would suggest is this, and that is do not to blame god.
Do not blame god. The one thing Satan will love you to do is say, well, god did this.
Here’s what god did. God wanted to correct my life, and god wanted to get rid of sin in my life.
And so he caused the my parent or my son and my daughter to abuse me. Listen to me carefully.
God never under any circumstance fans ever instigates, institutes, initiates in any fashion, any kind of abuse.
That is not of god. That is totally opposite of everything god says.
He says, love 1 another, and serve 1 another, encourage each other, and bill up 1 another, and care for 1 another, and comfort 1 another.
And be patient with one another and submit to one another. That has nothing to do.
That’s totally opposite from abusing each other.
And so Satan would love for the person who is being abused to think god is doing this to me for a specific reason.
There must be something in my life that god wants to correct. No.
God will take advantage, and he will use that if we allow him to advantage in our life to grow us up maturas, but he is never the cause.
He is never the instigator of any kind of abuse whatsoever.
That is not the purpose to plan the will, the desire, or the method of god.
The 4th thing I would say is to forgive the abuser.
Now, forgiving the abuser isn’t something that you say, well, I I I just can’t do that because you don’t have been treated.
Now listen to me carefully. And I know this is hard, and I know that some of you would say, well, yes, but you haven’t been treated the way I have.
That’s absolutely true. I’m sure that’s true.
You don’t know you don’t know the kind of emotional, physical, or sexual damage, it’s done in my life.
I’m sure I don’t understand that.
But this much I do know that harboring anger, resentment, hostility, and bitterness, listen, an unforgiving spirit is worse than a cancer on the inside.
An unforgiving spirit is like a well, like a spring of poison.
And what it does it penetrates every single facet of a person’s life. An unforgiving spirit is absolutely listen.
Absolutely unjustifiable. You cannot justify an unforgiving spirit.
And then number 5, I want to say it’s equally important.
That is to forgive the one who allowed the abuse.
Now there are young people who grow up and there are adults today who say.
My mother stood by, and she knew what was going on, and she let it happen in a way.
And so the unforgiving spirit oftentimes is just as much toward the person who stood by and allowed it to happen as the person who did the abusing.
And so it’s easy to blame someone else.
Now what we have to ask is this, Why did that person stand by?
And it may be that you’d love to go back to one of your parents and say, you know, I held it against you all these years for you allowing this to happen to me.
Would you just sort of tell me why we just put up with that?
And somehow, more than likely, you’re gonna find out that that was in their mind a legitimate reason, or in their thinking, they felt so inadequate and so scared that they didn’t even know how to handle admitting that a husband or a wife was abusing a child.
I’m simply saying these are some things that you need to consider when it comes to dealing with abuse.
The next thing I would say, which would be number 6 is to choose the truth about yourself.
And the best way to find out who the truth is, is to get in the word of god and find out what he says about you.
You know what? When somebody says you’re no good, you don’t count, you’re not worth anything, you just let that go in one in and out the other, because that didn’t come from heaven.
It came from the pit. And but you see it’s damaging because everybody needs to feel a sense that they belong, a sense of value that they’re worth something, and to feel competent.
Those 3 attitudes are essential to every every person’s emotional health, uh, feeling of belonging, a feeling of worth and a feeling of confidence in a family.
Yeah. One one of the greatest advantages of the family is that you belong And somebody thinks you’re worth something that that they would marry you and live with you and that you’re confident that you can take care of and you can provide.
And in the church, we we all belong to this family.
And, uh, uh, we we all value it one another. We all have different gifts.
We’re different, but we value each other. Her. And we believe that each other’s competent.
That’s why you have a place of service and and, uh, that you’re capable.
And when you eliminate a sense of belonging, that means I’m I I don’t belong in some rejected.
A sense of worth, I have no value. I’m worthless. And I’m not confident.
And, my friend, you have a person who is emotionally, emotionally damaged, deeply, deeply damaged, And so when you and I begin to believe the truth about ourselves, what happens, we begin to step out of the horrible results and effects of this kind of abuse.
Then I would say number 7, and that is to open yourself up to godly a healing.
Now I want you to listen very carefully to what I’m gonna say, and I speak out of experience, and I speak for the benefit of multitudes of people, I hope.
When I say, open yourself up to healing, what has to be healed?
Well, if you were physically abused back down to somewhere, than likely if somebody had broken arm or or cut you or something, you that’s that’s been healed, and you’ve gotten over that and you think, well, hey.
You know, I I’m over that abuse. No. You’re not. That’s just the outward sign.
Because if someone in motion abused you, you you never did see that, but you felt it.
You see? The healing process has to take place in our memories.
What do I remember? What did I feel? What was I feeling?
When this was going on.
You may have felt dirty if you were sexually abused, or you may have just put your mind in neutral and tried to just be in some kind of ethereal something somewhere while it was happening.
Or you may have felt I must deserve this.
Or you may have felt hatred bitterness and hostility toward the person who was doing it.
Those memories have to be healed, although memories are like poison.
And so god is willing to heal.
Now Jesus Christ, who is the source of our strength for every need that we have, He is willing to heal that.
But now, listen, it may be that you may need to talk to somebody else about it and get it out.
Maybe something that you’ve never shared with anyone.
Maybe you never even thought about the fact that that’s part of something going on inside of you.
And let me say this, and I want you to listen very carefully.
Sometimes you may need to go to some godly counselor. And listen carefully.
You be sure the person who is your counselor is a godly counselor and not someone who simply says I’m a Christian or who hangs out a shingle that they’re a Christian counselor because let me tell you something.
If a person is not a true godly counselor, here’s what they’ll do.
They’ll say I’m a Christian, You won’t hear much about the word of god in that counseling.
You won’t hear much of or anything about Jesus, about the word of god, but what you’ll have is you’ll have ungodly, worldly, psychology, and counseling that has nothing to do with the principles of scripture.
And when you allow those things to to perpetuate your mind and your emotions and your will, you will end up in worse shape than you were before you ever went to that council because it will cause confusion, and it will be trying to put together the principles of scripture with ungodly counsel, and all it does is lengthens the time, multiplies, and deepens the hurt of those around you.
The next thing I would simply say is this, choose to just move forward in your life.
If you’re a person who’s been abused and you say, well, here’s what happened to me. Therefore, I can’t.
Don’t say that. You can do anything god wants you to do.
And this is why Jesus Christ and your life is so absolutely essential.
He within you will enable you, listen to be healed of your abuse, He will enable you to pick up those broken pieces, those shattered parts of your life, and he will put them back together in the most beautiful way.
And he can make you as Listen. He can make you as if you never suffered any abuse whatsoever.
He can heal you of bad memories He can put the broken pieces back together.
You can move on in life and do what?
God can accomplish in your life everything that he chooses to accomplish And no matter what has happened to you, here’s what you can do.
You can know that Romans 8 28 is right and true, that no matter what’s happened in the past, that you can pick up the pieces and move on and that god will do this.
He’ll take all the hurts, all the injury, all the pain, all the suffering, and all the heartache.
You know, what he’ll do? He’ll work that in your life in some fashion, to make you a blessing to someone else, because we’re all servants.
So don’t just look back and say, well, this is where I was treated.
Therefore, therefore, nothing Listen, this is where I was treated.
That may be what happened to me in the past, but this is who I am now.
And god is my savior, my lord, my master, And he says in Christ Jesus, that he will enable me to do and to accomplish and to achieve everything that he calls me to do.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Listen, no matter what’s happened in the past.
The past, listen, the past cannot hold you back from doing what god wants you to do.
Unless you allow it to happen. You can be healed of the effects of that abuse.
He will free you and liberate you from what’s going on in your life right now.
If you’re willing to trust him, surrender your life to him, and listen, the omnipotent Christ who lives within you will keep you, provide for you, and heal you and make you someone whom he can use to bring glory to his